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Letter from the Editor: We’re Still Here, Fuckers

(03/13/20 6:00pm)

Oh, you little piss babies thought we were done? Thought a wittle itty bitty teeny tiny virus would put us out of business? Fat chance, fuckers — our doors are staying wide the fuck open. A global pandemic might take down the University of Pennsylvania, but it will not take down its favorite humor publication (and really, just favorite publication in general — sorry not sorry The Daily Pennsylvanian). 

Elon Musk Fails Design 101 Final

(12/05/19 6:27pm)

Elon Musk, eminent Penn alumnus and Wharton graduate, had re-enrolled at this University a year and a half ago to get a degree in design. Although Musk was an excellent student and had been submitting his assignments only five weeks after the due date and had only “sometimes” smoked in the middle of class, the Tesla CEO was recently crushed to find out that he had failed his design final.

Penn-Princeton Game to See Massive Turnout, Might Fill One Row of Student Section

(11/22/19 2:04pm)

It’s the competition that every student at Penn has been aching to see this entire semester: this Saturday, the Quakers will go head to head with the Princeton Tigers. Although the Quakers have struggled to overcome their acute attraction to their supremely sexy mascot, they have managed to recover some dignity these past three weekends by not losing to Cornell. 

Bobby's Burger Palace Closes After It Loses One of Its Three Customers

(11/06/19 3:40am)

This past week, Penn’s only burger shop announced that it would be closing its doors for good after losing one of its three customers. “I don’t know how it happened,” said Manager Tony Blake, shaking his head. “Business was booming two months ago — we easily had three, four, hell sometimes even FIVE customers walk through our doors on any given day. We had big plans for the future, but ever since Jeff stopped coming by, well, we just don’t have the money to support the shop anymore.” 

How to Recover After You're Forced to Be the Slutty Pony for the Group Halloween Costume

(10/31/19 2:00pm)

Sophia Wulsh (C ‘22) used to love Halloween. But after this year’s festivities, she is decidedly less enchanted: her friends made her be a slutty pony for the holiday. With cute little horse ears on her head, her hair tucked back into a ponytail, and adorable little hoofs on her hands, Wulsh was the spitting image of a pony. An exposed midriff added a touch of spice to the look. “I don’t have anything against dressing slutty,” Wulsh explained, “but dressing like a pony? That’s where I would draw the line.” 

The Penn Band Presents New Field Show: You Can Run but You Can't Hide

(11/01/19 2:00pm)

The University of Pennsylvania Band, the omnipresent, terrifying force that haunts Penn’s campus and athletic events, has unveiled the title of its field show for the upcoming Homecoming game: “You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide.” Members of the band hope that the title communicates their relentless pursuit to convince their peers to join their cult. 

Knock Knock! I’m Lucy, a Sophomore. Can I Have Your Lease?

(10/27/19 6:12pm)

Knock knock! Hi! My name’s Lucy. I’m a sophomore, haha. I was just looking by and couldn’t help but notice what a nice, cozy little townhouse you have here! It looks so nice. Pretty spacious, too. 615 Harnwell has nothing on a house as nice as this. That’s where I live with some of my girlfriends, aha. We got into the apartment hunting game pretty late last year, so we sorta got stuck living on campus again. Haha, we kinda hate it. Speaking of, can I have your lease? 

Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker

(10/24/19 6:00pm)

In what has been described as one of the most embarrassing losses for Penn football in the past 75 years,  the Quakers endured a shut-out at the hands of their arch-nemesis, the Princeton Tigers this past Saturday. Although analysts have pointed to everything from poor coaching on the part of Coach Ray Priore to the Quakers' toothless offense, experts concur that the real reason for the poor showing was none other than the Penn Quaker himself. 

'They're Such Wonderful Boys!' Says Mom on Greekrank

(10/19/19 5:02pm)

Hi!! I just wanted to jump into these rankings and give a big shout out to Josh — my baby boy!! I was so excited when he first got accepted to Penn, but being the Nervous Nelly that I am I just couldn’t help but worry about my sweetheart finding friends at school. I’m so glad Josh found a home at Theta Pi and wanted to make sure that these boys got the attention they deserve. 

Compensating for Something? Micro Market to Exclusively Stock Magnum XL’s

(09/19/19 5:39pm)

Micro Market, the automated food store that has just recently replaced Tortas Frontera, has big shoes to fill. Rick Bayless’ signature Mexican cuisine is a tough act to follow, but Rich Hendick, the mastermind behind this latest university initiative, is determined to assert Micro Market’s superiority. “I’ll have you know that my dreams are much larger than Mr. Bayless could ever imagine,” declared Mr. Hendick in our interview. “Despite our diminiutive name, we are certain to dominate this contest. After all,” said Mr. Hendick with a wink, “I have shaken Mr. Bayless’ hand, and I can assure you that my hand was easily five times as large as his.”