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You saunter over to Jeff, and as you walk over your heart starts hammering in your chest. What are you doing? How can you possibly expect to flirt with a human Adonis? You need more alcohol NOW dammit but it’s too late. You’ve made contact.
Apple Theta Pi always has the best parties, you swear. The liquor’s flowing, the music is popping, AND the boys are cute as hell (well, like, two of them). What more could you ask for?
Curled up in your favorite blanket with all the lights off and Netflix on at full blast, you are spared the pain of your existence for a fleeting moment. But then your stomach rumbles and ruins all of that. It's been two and a half hours — where the fuck is that GoPuff delivery you ordered?
Perhaps against your better judgment, you remain entirely sober for the entire pregame. While everyone around you gets blackout, you sit and stare at the floor as you endure the agony of your sad, lonely existence without the assistance of illicit substances.
Mmm, feel that vomit-inducing tonic of sugar, caffeine, and alcohol flood your bloodstream. It’s definitely the only way that you could have started your night. As you finish your last can you see that your acquaintances are staring at you because you just chugged six Four Lokos and they already thought that you had a bit of an alcohol problem. But hey, that’s show-biz baby.
You curl up with your favorite blanket, flick off all the lights, and get in your favorite sleep position.
You text some acquaintances (because, let’s get real, you have no friends) and you all decide to pop over Jessica’s room for a pregame. To your horror, you discover that she only has Four Loko — you hate Four Loko! But then again, you also kinda crave it, in a totally not problematic way. What do you do?
It’s Friday evening and you just got out of writing seminar, your loins aflame. For the past hour and half you have ogled the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure of ogling. His name is Jeff, and he is one hot tamale.
Allison Hendricks (C ‘22) was thrilled to finally get away from Penn’s toxic, pre-professional campus for a nice relaxing week home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Talking to UTB reporters, Hendricks remarked, “Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”
With Penn’s recent decision that all sophomores will be required to live on campus starting in 2021, the University will need to provide beds for approximately 950 additional students who would otherwise opt to live off campus.
The University of Pennsylvania’s Pottruck Health and Fitness has been named the best campus recreation center for aggressive male grunting.
For Engineering freshman Julia Hayes, life can get just a little bit lonely between her seven-hour Netflix binges and two-hour long sob sessions. After eating alone for the 214th consecutive time this semester, Hayes began to feel the cold caress of loneliness.
1. “That wasn’t so bad.”
Penn Debate Society held an event Wednesday in coordination with Gritty, the beloved Philadelphian mascot-turned Marxist hero, who has been hosting campus debates nationwide as part of his One Eye Open Initiative.
To the surprise of literally none of his hallmates, Brad Hawkins (E '22) was caught listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit 2012 single “Call Me Maybe.”
When Erin Zheng met Emily O’Byron for the first time on Quaker Days, it was love at first sight (but in, like, a completely platonic roommate sort of way). They got their first Philly Cheesesteaks together. They got wasted at their first frat party together. As soon as they got home, Erin and Emily texted each other incessantly, dishing the tea on the intimacies of their social lives. But now, mid-way through their first semester together, that roomie bond has been all but extinguished.
The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.
At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence. Explains Smithbank, “Look, a girl’s gotta play. With herself. And her nine inch dildo. And her roommate’s TV monitor.”
Sofia Walsh (C ‘22) is normally okay with an evening filled with cheap handcuffs, free booze, and questionable lifestyle choices. She’s a wild college gal and not afraid to fuck herself up before her Friday morning recitation gets the chance to do it for her.
This past Friday, freshman Michael Lucas was told to take a lap by brothers in front of a fraternity , who climaxed immediately after uttering the words.