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Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Fuck Jeff From Writing Sem?

(12/04/18 5:00am)

Mmm, feel that vomit-inducing tonic of sugar, caffeine, and alcohol flood your bloodstream. It’s definitely the only way that you could have started your night. As you finish your last can you see that your acquaintances are staring at you because you just chugged six Four Lokos and they already thought that you had a bit of an alcohol problem. But hey, that’s show-biz baby.

BREAKING: Freshman Discovers Home Friends Really Just Home Acquaintances Now

(11/28/18 9:29am)

Allison Hendricks (C ‘22) was thrilled to finally get away from Penn’s toxic, pre-professional campus for a nice relaxing week home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Talking to UTB reporters, Hendricks remarked, “Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”

Girl Sells Roommate on Free or For Sale

(11/24/18 8:26am)

When Erin Zheng met Emily O’Byron for the first time on Quaker Days, it was love at first sight (but in, like, a completely platonic roommate sort of way). They got their first Philly Cheesesteaks together. They got wasted at their first frat party together. As soon as they got home, Erin and Emily texted each other incessantly, dishing the tea on the intimacies of their social lives. But now, mid-way through their first semester together, that roomie bond has been all but extinguished.