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One afternoon, on probably a Wednesday or something, I was minding my own business in Houston Hall, accompanied only by my friend who is shorter and less breathtaking than me. I was then approached by a man (Caucasian, forgettable, potentially brown hair. He could have been blond. I don't care).
Look over at your roommate right now. Are they sleeping? Do they look magically beautiful, like a freshly picked carnation? Maybe they are doing a dance next to you. I love to dance, personally. I could be a dancer if I wanted to, or maybe a life coach. I could also be a model. Truthfully, I could do every job in the world perfectly, except being a spy. My beautiful ass would not be able to go anywhere unnoticed!
In their most recent diversity stint, the University of Pennsylvania has decided to make alterations to beloved campus bar Smokey Joe’s. The bar has been a haven for college students for years, but it will now be transformed into an Indian restaurant serving the Penn community.
Travel Update! The sisters of renowned sorority Delta Delta Delta have canceled their Miami plans, opting to visit the town of Kharagpur, West Bengal this March. They hope to spread sisterhood, love, and their strong Christian morals upon their arrival.
A little drop of this, a splash of that: I’m just here to have fun, make potions, and watch RuPaul’s Drag Race when my TA isn’t looking. I love my chemistry lab. As a gay man in STEM, this is my calling.
My mother sends me a WhatsApp message regarding homemade remedies for my aggressive full-body rash, expecting a response (and honestly, I want that level of delusion for the rest of 2022).
After giving my Tinder date a handjob in the movie theater and realizing that he stole my Juul in the process, I decided to enter my new era of self-improvement. No more nicotine for me! Each morning, I would wake up and write “Vaping Kills” in my journal, over and over, until my hands bled. I would go online (to the Youtube) to watch videos of why vaping is bad for you. I even had plenty of at-home remedies for curbing my cravings: my most effective solution was to repeatedly bang my head against my kitchen counter until I would lose consciousness.