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Phew! Syllabus Made in ChatGPT Includes Clause Restricting Use of ChatGPT

(01/22/23 4:07pm)

“Ah, these sure are different times,” I sigh to myself, “I can’t compliment women anymore, but at least I have ChatGPT. This handy little gizmo just printed my syllabus faster than any little TA or flirty secretary could have.” Queue five page syllabus ejected from Canon Pixma MG3620. “Encanto! My students will never know their homely, old professor still has it in him. I, too, can take a selfie.” 

Hello, I Am Applying to Your DEI Committee as a White Person Who Calls My Asian Girlfriend Mi Amor

(11/08/22 3:47pm)

I like to incorporate culture in my life however possible. I have Black friends, I regularly eat at Bento, my favorite sauce is Sriracha, I took Spanish in high school, I traveled to Israel this past summer, and most importantly, my girlfriend Xiao Ming is Chinese. Xiao Ming has taught me a lot about Chinese culture. We enjoy fortune cookies, orange chicken, General Tso’s chicken, China Daily, and Kung Fu Panda together. I now know how to say, “Hi, my name is Michael” in Chinese. By the way the way you say this is, “你好,我叫笨蛋” Whenever I say this at parties, I get an array of laughs, I’m such a crowd pleaser. I even got it tattooed on my arm! Xiao Ming is so great, not only because she is Chinese, but also because we get to experience culture together. She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor. We decorated our 2-bedroom with a mandala and sphinx statues, and our cat’s name is Pepe. 

Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?

(11/02/22 11:26pm)

As we, the Penn community, overcome darty season and progress to an era marked by frackets, formals, and champagne and shackles events, I’d like to call our attention to an issue masked by these events: the disproportionately high prosecution and incarceration rates among Penn students. Champagne and shackles events celebrate handcuffs, a mechanism of oppression. Alcohol, a mechanism of roofying. People who attend champagne and shackles events flaunt their kinkless privilege on the marginalized furry community of Penn, as well as our brothers and sisters in bondage. This blinding privilege diverts our attention from individuals like me, still suffering under unjust laws. 

What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?

(10/28/22 5:45pm)

We the California girls make you folks on the East Coast look like potatoes, or so this is what you say about us California girls. As a California girl, I feel so far superior to all of you Wawa-lovers that I can't even look at you to ascertain whether you do in fact resemble a potato. The term "Wawa-lovers" hints at the fact that our superiority comes from our superior diet. My superior diet consists mainly of açaí bowls, which are unfortunately, scant in these parts. I have exhausted Playa Bowls (which I frequent after running 9 miles before my 10:15 AM in McNeil) and SoBol which I joke is just "so-so." I often ponder whether my superior education in the state of Pennsylvania is worth the slight demotion of my diet from abundant, local (the block I live on) juice cleanses to the monotony of only two (2) açaí spots with only forty (40) options per menu. Beyond pondering, I am always hunting (not to be confused with big-game hunting, I am a vegan who eats eggs and fish) for a new açaí spot to diversify my pallet. That's why I was thrilled to find what Penn students refer to as "SAE."

OP-ED: Twin-XL Beds Perpetuate Unhealthy Barbie-Like Beauty Standards

(09/13/22 4:18pm)

On the surface, Penn seems like a beacon of body positivity. The admissions committee does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, nationality, creed, religion, or BMI. In fact, they are proud to accept fat people! Sorority bids are entirely based on controllable traits, such as wealth, clothes, and acne. They are so egalitarian that sorority parties and rush events are all conducted blind folded and clothes-pin-nosed. No Dior perfume can sway the trustees of on-campus or off-campus sororities.

OP-ED: I’m Not Being Hazed I Just Have a Bad Sense of Style

(03/14/22 5:50pm)

Heyyy besties, can you stop asking me if I’m being hazed? Hehe thanks. I’m going to tell you my deepest, darkest secret that I don’t tell anyyyyybody. Pinky (pink is my favorite color hehe) promise not to tell anyone? I don’t want a repeat of the whole class knowing I have anxiety-related diarrhea haha. Everybody poops right? Ok haha sorry I’m soooo ADHD, haha even though I got tested back in West Chester and the shrink said I’m just privileged and sheltered, I knowwwww I for sureeeee have ADHD hehe <3. Ok, my secret!! Sorry!!

Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard

(02/24/22 9:00am)

Ugh! It's that time again—that bidaily time in which I make the tragic discovery that I still have a working bladder and kidneys. God damn it. It’s been 16 hours since my last panicked episode and I need to pee again—badly. Ah well! Time to look for my PennCard. Ugh! Not again! Where is my PennCard? My gateway to the throne! Alas, I misplace my royal scepter so often. In fact, every time I need to urinate, I seem to have nearly misplaced my shining piece of plastic. How inconvenient. Well, it must be somewhere in this room that I used my card to get into 16 hours ago and haven’t left since. Let’s see…

Feeling Generous This V-Day Season? Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sisters Go to Vegas

(02/15/22 10:23pm)

‘Tis the season for giving. In fact, this season is giving. It being mid-February, I know that you gold digger shawties and trust fund baddies are just itching to dribble a little money out of those Burberry pockets and help a good cause, like building schools for kids in Africa. It’s good to put your money where your heart is. Shop local and look no further than the Sorry Sluts of Locust. Better known as the 501 ©: Sorority Sisters.

Observant Instagram User Realizes Friend Group Has Hung Out After Seeing Twenty Reposts of Same Story

(02/08/22 9:00am)

Sometimes, discoveries and innovation seem like dumb luck. Why is Mondrian so famous for painting primary? Colored? Squares? Why is Newton such a genius for watching? An apple? Fall? Why did stupid Alex from Econ realize that if he got COVID during Rush week, he could stay in the Sheraton and skip class? People are given so much credit for the smallest of feats, simply because they did them before someone else could. I’m more impressed when achievements come at great costs: years of research, hours of suffering, etc. I love when new elements are discovered—scientists are just so smart.  

Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You

(01/25/22 2:21pm)

Walking across Locust, one would not be challenged to find a thousand shining smiles, confident bounces in steps, and overall, joy to be alive. I mean, we shouldn’t be surprised. After all, these Locust dawdlers have everything to be happy about. There are winners and losers in every society. As members of the Penn conglomerate, these are the winners and they have the laurels to show for it; from first place in student debt to first place in embezzlement one year out of college, these students are doing it all. However, it would be a mistake to assume that students are universally happy or that they have reason to be. Unfortunately, not all of us get to go to the Caribbean when things in Philly get tough. That’s why we need to be honest with ourselves and break the Penn face.  

How to Promote the Gay Agenda as Someone who Hates Coffee and Doesn’t have Money

(10/28/21 8:37pm)

For a community once known to deviate from the norm, the queers succumb to lots of stereotypes. Face it, we can all name a homosexual man (colloquially known as a twink) who is otherwise incomplete without light washed skinny jeans (cuffed, to ensure maximal ankle to air exposure), an equally tailored shirt, and of course, an iced coffee (never with animal milk).