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Help! Wendell Pritchett Just Broke Into My Apartment and Started Boxing Up My Stuff

(03/19/20 5:25pm)

Help! I just came back from an awesome Spring Break trip in Barcelona with the boys and was shocked to find Wendell Pritchett lumbering through my living room with 3 rolls of duct tape and countless UPS boxes. He refused to tell me how he even entered my apartment and just told me that I need to "get the fuck out of here right now."

Erika James, Newly-appointed Wharton Dean, Already Rejected From 6 Wharton Clubs

(02/26/20 8:43pm)

Despite not having moved to Philadelphia yet to begin her tenure at The Wharton School of Finance and Commerce, newly-appointed Wharton Dean Erika James has already begun to face the vigorous competition of the country’s top business school. UTB inside sources report that James has already been rejected by six Wharton clubs.

"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents

(02/25/20 5:00am)

So, need to explain your latest Greek-based debauchery to your parents? But you just realized your parents moved from another country and don't have the slightest clue what any of these Greek letters and houses mean? Look no further! Here at UTB, we've compiled a list of the best ways to explain your exploits to immigrant parents!

Amy Gutmann’s Husband Furious That She Keeps Gentrifying the Backyard

(02/17/20 5:00am)

A backyard once occupied by Philadelphia's lowest-income rabbits, mice, and birds have become virtually uninhabitable. With housing prices on the rise, local animal inhabitants being displaced and homelessness skyrocketing, the vicious cycle of gentrification continues. This time, it’s happening in Amy G’s very own backyard … literally.

Wow! Meet the Remarkable Math 114 TA Who Only Slept Through Three of His Recitations!

(10/18/18 6:28am)

"I hate DRL so much more than Huntsman," noted Ivan Vishnevsky at 8:15 a.m., groggily overcoming a hangover to arrive at the Math 114 recitation he has to reluctantly teach. "Sometimes I actually arrive on time. Other times, I wake up at like 11 a.m. and completely miss the recitation. Shit happens; I don't know what to tell you guys."