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Amy Gutmann Vows to Achieve Net-Zero Salary Increase by 2050

(04/22/21 3:01pm)

In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus. The stress of handling and transferring such massive amounts of money into her bank accounts have begun to take a toll on her mental health and her ability to act as a campus leader when the students need her. As a result, she will be seeking to find other ways to spread this saved money to other programs on campus that need it. One such long-term project will be the construction of a campus monument built to resemble our current president and offer comfort to students who find themselves wondering where their family’s hard-earned money is going.

Students Kicked from Campus as Penn’s Acceptance Rate Drops into the Negatives

(04/20/21 2:26am)

 Every year, the acceptance rates of elite colleges seem to drop to another unbelievably low level. In an effort to stay ahead of the curve and finally prove themselves as the most elite, Penn’s admissions committee has announced that for the 2020-2021 application season, the acceptance rate for the incoming class has dropped below zero to -5.3%. “This is an unprecedented level of eliteness that other schools wish they could achieve”, declared Amy Guttman in the rejection letter sent to every single high school senior that applied this admissions cycle. “It is also important to note that we are not ready to be complacent with our current student population.” 

Penn InTouch Found Among Ancient Artifacts During Mayan Excavation

(01/28/21 5:00am)

Penn’s Anthropology Department announced a major discovery over the weekend that could shed light on a beloved aspect of every student’s Penn experience. At a Mayan ruins site in Central America, archaeologists uncovered what appears to be one of the first renderings of the Penn InTouch website. Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 

Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back

(10/29/20 4:11pm)

College sophomore, Michael Previtt, was sent to the emergency room last Thursday after suffering severe spinal injuries. This trauma occurred during his recent ECON recitation after students were placed into small breakout rooms to work on the assigned worksheet. According to one student witness present in the same breakout room as Previtt, things started out relatively normal. “Everyone had their cameras off, and all of the mics were muted. It was your typical breakout room situation. Nothing out of the usual.” After a peaceful two minutes of silence, suddenly everyone was jarred awake by a mic being unmuted. As Previtt bravely turned on his camera and began to ask if anyone had started on question one, the rest of the room watched their screens in shock. Their surprise was so profound that no one responded for another thirty seconds. Slowly a few muttered responses made their way out of the other participants. 

Wharton Resume Padding Club Adds 3000 New Members

(10/19/20 6:15am)

As the leaves begin to change color on Locust Walk, for many students, it really only signals one thing: another season of club rejection after rejection. Luckily for every Penn freshman struggling to fill out their LinkedIn profiles, there’s one club that never fails to let its applicants down. The Wharton Resume Padding Club was started in recent years by students who were tired of being rejected from every single club they applied to and wanted to create an inclusive club that still had the Wharton brand in its name. The qualifications necessary to join are minimal. Do you need to fill in a space on your resume after McDonald’s Frozen Dairy Consumer Product Designer? Do you get joy out of pretending to be successful? Are you willing to put zero effort into attending club events? These questions screen for only the best applicants that align themselves with club interests and goals.

Penn Officials Enforce Weekly Covid Testing By Breaking into Off-Campus Housing

(10/16/20 4:34pm)

After weeks of administering Covid tests in Houston Hall to only a small fraction of the undergraduate population living off-campus, Penn health officials have come to the conclusion that they have not made their resources accessible enough for Penn students. For many, the trek to Houston Hall is a journey too difficult to make after months of being trapped in their homes. The tiny amount of strength gathered by frat brothers throughout the week is completely spent after a few nights of socializing on the weekends. “How can the university expect students to find the time out of their busy schedules to have their nostrils violated time and time again?”, laments Wharton junior, Mike Walters, who only has class three days a week. 

COVID-19 Can't Enter This Party Because It Doesn’t Know a Brother

(09/15/20 3:31pm)

Concerns were raised by members of the Penn community living off-campus when fraternity members of Sigma Iota Kappa were spotted holding a party in their shared house last weekend. In a publicly released statement by the fraternity, the members stated that strict measures were put in place to ensure that all those in attendance were not carrying the virus with them indoors.

On-Campus Housing Students Assigned Prison Wardens for the Fall

(09/14/20 4:00am)

For many Penn students who were granted housing exception status on campus this semester, they had expected many restrictions to be put in place to ensure their safety. But no one was prepared for the measures the administration had ready for them on move-in day. Upon entering the building, all students were forced to hand over their clothes and shower immediately. They were then given two pairs of red and blue jumpsuits with the Penn crest proudly displayed on the chest. Never before have Penn students been so lucky as to receive university merch for less than $50. On the downside, their belongings were sent to a decontamination room to be kept for at least a week and most students just never saw their items again. 

Penn Frosh Excited to Thrive at Penn in Pain at Home

(09/04/20 3:15pm)

Incoming frosh have been gearing up for the semester at home this past week. They’ve involved themselves with a plethora of online NSO events and only slightly awkward Zoom meetings with other freshmen desperate for a social life. Despite the semester being held entirely online, the main goal of the Penn Administration for these new students remains the same: Thrive At Penn. The critically acclaimed Canvas module and freshman year mantra are still ever present, even for this unusual fall semester. 

BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Not Returning to Campus for Fall Semester

(07/29/20 12:09pm)

The President of Penn has just announced that she will not be returning to campus in an official email to the student body. Many students were hoping to catch another glimpse of this rare mythical creature in September but now must wait, as Gutmann will be taking a gap semester. Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida. 

Party Girl Jessica Has "Officially Retired" From Drinking for the Fifth Time This Year

(07/25/20 12:32pm)

Friends of College junior, Jessica Slater were shocked Monday morning after finding an alarming post on her Facebook. In her post, Jessica detailed her decision to give up drinking and retire from the party scene indefinitely. This was coming from THE Jessica Slater, the one every party-goer looked up to as she drunkenly stumbled around on top of a frat beer pong table five nights a week. UTB was able to include a small portion of her legendary retirement post to allow all readers to mourn this loss:

Penn Sells Student Belongings to Pay Off Budget Deficit

(07/19/20 3:08pm)

 After being given ample time to leave campus last semester following Penn’s decision to go online, many students still decided to leave their things behind in their rooms. Luckily, the University generously chose to hold on to each students’ belongings until they returned in the fall. At least, this was going to be the plan until the trustees took one look at the budget deficit the University would be facing. 

GENEROUS! Penn Gives Students Half-Filled Fro-Yo Punch Cards as Financial Aid

(07/13/20 4:56am)

It’s been a tough year financially for universities across the country, as many colleges struggle to keep their doors open without the sweet cash flow from their students. Luckily for students at Penn, the University has decided it’s willing to make some sacrifices in order to ensure all students are able to afford the Ivy League education. 

Student Blows Up Kitchen Performing Virtual Chemistry Lab

(07/07/20 3:16pm)

 With online classes in full swing for many Penn students with nothing better to do this summer, some have decided to take their online learning experience to the next level. The Chemistry Department has already announced that all fall labs will be online, regardless of class size. While even under normal circumstances, many students will tell you that chem labs suck, students still have concerns that they are missing out on a full education. 

Wharton Students Assigned Personal GSRs to Encourage Social Distancing This Fall

(06/23/20 4:00am)

As Penn looks to try to bring as many students back on campus as possible in the fall, the Wharton School has announced a new renovation project in Huntsman Hall that will establish numerous new group study rooms. Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. 

Where’s Kendall Jenner's Pepsi When We Need It?

(06/11/20 5:17pm)

I can’t believe it’s already been three years since Kendall Jenner bridged the divide between police and protesters, bringing peace to our lands. That Pepsi ad single-handedly took down racism and healed the wounds of our nation. Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness? 

After Grueling Day of Watching Netflix, Student Is Ready to Finally Unwind

(05/29/20 4:39am)

 It’s been over two weeks since finals ended for Penn students and while many have taken this time to catch up on some sleep undisturbed by econ exam nightmares, others, such as Wharton sophomore Kayla Mitchell, have decided not to waste any of their new free time. Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. 

Professor Taking Her Class P/F Only Grades 60% of Student Finals

(05/20/20 4:00am)

On Friday, some students in STAT-101 were distraught to find out that their grades had not yet been submitted, despite having taken the final exam over a week earlier. While a majority of the students had opted to take the class pass/fail after returning home, there were still serious concerns over their final grades. Many students finished the online final exam feeling absolutely devastated by the sheer number of questions that could not be found on Chegg or in their numerous slides of lecture powerpoints. There was just no way to know what grade they would end up receiving at the end of all of this. Classmates took to Piazza to demand a quick turnaround on grades. To their surprise, the post was answered within five minutes by the professor herself who stated the following: 

Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

(04/21/20 6:25pm)

Over one hundred students were treated to a cacophony of ASMR during last Tuesday’s CIS 120 lecture, as one student forgot to turn off her microphone as she chowed down on what sounded like a fantastically sloppy meal. As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to draw her attention in the chat to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. It has been conjectured that this must have been the largest plate of pasta imaginable, as the wet mouth sounds did not cease for the entire 50 minutes of class time, outside the occasional loud gulping of water, followed by an exhale of pleasure.

OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

(04/15/20 8:04pm)

I know I know. This whole debate over opt-in pass/fail, mandatory pass/fail, A/A- nonsense has been heard a million times at this point. Some people want the chance to bring their GPA up. Other people want to protect their grades from a beating during these tough times. Other people just want to know what it feels like to go to Harvard. Well, after weeks of weighing all the pros and cons of each side and spending hours perusing change.org petitions, I think I have finally come up with the perfect solution for everyone.