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In an exciting turn of events, hundreds of Penn students have received coveted summer internship offers from Mom. Things seemed dire for those who had spent months lining up their summer internships on Wall Street or Silicon Valley only to have plans canceled due to Coronavirus concerns. Thankfully, they were saved by the kindness and generosity of Mom, who reached out to provide very late offers to select students. While there will be no set salary or stipend of any sort, this internship will not only pay for living expenses but will also cover most meals and laundry costs as well. Locations vary but will be spread out across the country and reportedly, students may be able to work in their own hometown.
Jared Casey has finally struck gold with his essay topic for grad school. He had been struggling for months on possible essay topics. Everyone loves a good story about overcoming hardship and battling against the odds, and while Jared has faced all the incredible trials and tribulations that come with being a white male who grew up with two loving parents who pay full price for his education, he still felt like his perspective just wasn’t unique enough yet. He’d finally found a way to pull together a moving piece about the one time he had to sell his concert tickets for some booze money, but it was just missing that little extra “zing” that he was looking for. And suddenly, the whole universe seemed to turn around and drop him the perfect story right into his lap.
Last Monday during their first online class, students in a freshman writing seminar called the “Art of Persuasion,” couldn’t help but notice that something seemed a little off about Sophie. No, it wasn’t like she was acting super awkward when everyone was video calling. It was actually quite the opposite. She was waaay too comfortable being on video in front of the entire class.
No parties. No events.
It has just been discovered that the frequently used, dirty, dilapidated, unreliable and possibly dangerous public transportation system known as SEPTA is actually “not that bad.” This information has come from numerous reports done on the strong opinion of local Penn student Mark Schurr (W ‘23). According to the reports, the subway system is actually “quite comfortable when you make sure to avoid the vomit piles and hold on for dear life to the closest railing.”
I honestly don’t know how it got to this point. I started to say “bruh” ironically, you know, just to make fun of the people who say it. But soon it forced its way into my daily life. It invaded my vernacular until there was little I could do without saying it. Now, I can’t properly react to anything anyone ever tells me. The best I can offer is “bruh."
In response to the increasing dissatisfaction with the dining options on campus and the declining number of students on dining plans, the University of Pennsylvania has just announced that beginning next semester, all dining halls will now accept Drexel Dining Dollars. Penn students will still be able to pay using meal swipes and dining dollars, but each transaction will incur an additional 10% surcharge.
In a surprise announcement, researchers at the Wharton Behavioral Lab have revealed that the experiments conducted over the years involving student volunteers have all been part of one massive investigation to understand the limits of what students will do for money. Perhaps less shocking were the findings: there’s no limit to what Penn students will do for a few quick bucks.
Heyyy, so sorry to bother everyone. Omg I’m so embarrassed I have to do this for like the fifth time but if anyone was at Delta Lota Kappa on Friday and picked up a black Canada Goose, I think it might be mine. It’s puffy, black, and really warm. It’s got my phone, wallet, and sense of self-worth attached to it so it’s, like, really important that I get it back.
Students arrived to class on Monday morning shocked to find the door to their lecture locked, and a Pearson Education ticketing machine located next to it. An $80 ticket would allow access into the classroom, while a lecture seat could be purchased separately for another $120. The all-inclusive VIP package, including door access, a lecture seat, office hours and the ability to ask questions, could be purchased for $180. For another $20, you might even get a little bit of “extra credit.”
Friday night was host to the most spectacular philanthropic event hosted by a Penn fraternity. Located in a sketchy club downtown, the “Pandemic Pandemonium” masked party welcomed in hundreds of Penn students who were generous enough to donate their limited time and money to support those affected by the recent outbreak of Coronavirus around the world. Surgical masks were donned and chilled bottles of Corona were shared as everyone moshed to “Sicko Mode” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive”.