OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care
(02/23/22 5:33pm)
There, reader. I have run out of the last of my fucks to give. I can now declare with conviction one last time: I don’t give a shit.
Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
There, reader. I have run out of the last of my fucks to give. I can now declare with conviction one last time: I don’t give a shit.
In a shocking turn of events, Jack Kereckes (C’23) went into this evening with the intention of completing his biology coursework yet came out completely catatonic with an alarming amount of cannabis in his system.
Huge! You listlessly opened Facebook in your browser during class and voila, you have been invited to an event. A guy you psychosexually entangled with two semesters ago has invited you to his frat’s downtown. This is ginormous for you. You feel coveted. You are relevant. Your presence is requested. You shall be seen.
As of a moment during the day, girl, who is enrolled as a full-time undergraduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, is feeling an emotion at a particular juncture between 33rd and 40th streets and within Market and Baltimore streets.
According to recent research published by Wolf Humanities Center at the University of Pennsylvania, professor is cool because he says the word “fuck” at a high frequency in class.
Needy alert! Jessica Grant (C’24) was just spotted walking on Locust Walk this afternoon in an act of true desperation.
Seriously. Not a satire piece, an honest question. How do I stop receiving emails coming from the “First Censor” of the Philomathean Society?
You’ve been there. I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. You were just doing your usual 2 A.M. round on your crush’s Instagram page and going through the same three photo dumps from this summer when suddenly, you caught a comment from an unfamiliar account that you somehow missed during your daily check-ups on his page.
In a gorgeous act of true independence and autonomy, this college senior has just acquired a boyfriend for the sole purpose of receiving assistance in connecting her laptop to AirPennNet.
Nawr! During Macroeconomic lecture this morning, you noticed a truly unfortunate event!
Delilah Khrushchev (C’21) was my pledgemaster when I pledged my sorority last spring. She pledged me and mastered me during our new member education. Needless to say, I was proper pledged and mastered. I participated in events and activities with my pledge class in which we learned the history and traditions of our sorority and got to know the sisters. During the 12-week intensive process, we did activities such as coloring picture books in candlelight, camping retreat, and even brunches. I felt a sisterly bond I’ve never felt before anywhere else. By the time I was initiated (the initiation was just a lovely, lovely time), I felt so welcomed into the sorority – it felt as if I have always been part of this. I have no one to thank but Delilah. As our pledgemaster, she put together all the events and managed all of us in such a beautiful way. This is why I am going to endorse her for management in LinkedIn. Delilah, you deserve it!
In a devastating turn of events coming out of the second floor of Fisher-Bennett Hall as of 10:20 this morning, James Katz (C ’24) has indeed indicated that he would like to turn the group’s attention to page 51 of the book.
Hey! Yeah, so nice to meet you as well, haha, I love your outfit!
I subscribe to the mailing list of the department of Russian and East European Studies at the University of Pennsylvania. Every week I receive emails in my inbox with subject lines like “Fwd: Albanian Society Event This Week” or “The Slavic, East European, and Eurasian Folklore Studies Association Call for Papers” or even “Russian Tea Tomorrow.” Each time, I click “delete” immediately upon sighting one such email. Needless to say, I do not read these emails.
Hey girl! How’s it going? Oh my god I know right, the other night was crazy.
Happy Pride Month to all the girls (and gays)!
This average white man just explained to you how he cannot date you because he’s “not in the headspace right now.” How astounding!
Slack is a business communication platform abused by various self-important student organizations at the University of Pennsylvania. You've been "added to Slack." You've been told, "just Slack me when you're done."
In a never-before-seen move, Nicole Ryan (C ’24) snapped a selfie of herself sobbing while deep in her feels.
Wow! This white guy from Princeton, NJ, doesn't date any women that are white or don't attend an Ivy League University! Isn't that so great!