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OP-ED: They Should Replace Green Passes With the Gold Star Sticker System From Preschool

(12/07/21 10:41pm)

The reason I am the strong, independent, beautiful, smart, humble woman I am today is for one reason, and one reason only - the validation I received due to the gold star sticker system of my preschool. Everyday, I would patiently wait for the teachers to announce who would receive stars that day. Could it be me? Did I, Margarita Matta, act respectfully and with grace during nap time? Did I clean up my space after going to absolute pound town on the cafeteria mac and cheese? Did I correctly count how many purple sheep were on the strangely psychedelic worksheet our teachers asked us to reference? The answer to all of these questions is yes.

OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything

(11/22/21 4:55pm)

Life as a white, straight, cisgender woman at an elite private university is hard. My fragile female mind can’t handle the stress of learning concepts in this progressive world that are so obviously meant for a man. No, I don’t understand why we can’t just print more money to solve the national debt. No, I don’t know how to change a car tire. No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 

BREAKING! Girl Lies About Age on Fake ID

(11/11/21 4:36pm)

According to an anonymous source, over the weekend Penn Freshman Ella Williams was caught lying about her age on a fake driver’s license. Williams, a New Jersey native, claims that she “didn't do anything wrong and this is stupid that I have to sit down and interview with you guys you aren't even a real publication," in an exclusive interview with Under the Button.

OP-ED: Gender Studies Should Be a Wharton Major

(11/10/21 3:03pm)

Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies, perhaps the most highly competitive and coveted major in the College of Arts and Sciences, has become infamous for its rigor, mathematical difficulty, and heavy time-commitment. On average, only about 20 students in each grade can handle the academic rigor and long hours of studying to successfully graduate with this major. The small percentage of the student body graduating with a Gender Studies major is no doubt due to it’s difficulty and not for any other reason at all...yeah...definitely not for any other reason...

Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

(11/02/21 3:45pm)

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you. President Gutmann has taken extreme measures to secure her youth and longevity, practices made infamous by none other than Lord Voldemort. Yes, that’s right, Amy Gutmann has 7 magical horcruxes splitting her soul and protecting her from death. Here is what I think they are:

Gutmann Shopping for Oktoberfest Outfit: 'Which Sexy Lederhosen Is Most Professional?'

(10/26/21 4:10pm)

It was a sight to see Monday afternoon after Amy Gutmann was spotted entering Spirit Halloween in Center City. Sources say she was shopping for an outfit for the popular German beer festival, "Oktoberfest." Gutmann, the University's current president, was recently appointed as the next United States ambassador to Germany, an honorable and esteemed position. In an effort to participate in German cultural practices, she will be attending Oktoberfest in Munich this coming fall. The festival is infamous for its long-standing tradition of partying and beer drinking, and this will actually be Gutmann’s 12th time in attendance. She is a self-proclaimed “beer aficionado” and has recently created a craft brew fittingly called "Beerjamin Franklin." These beers were sent in the Class of 2025 welcome packages and students were overwhelmed with appreciation.

Emotional! White Frat Boy From Connecticut Admits That He Resonates Deeply With Kendrick Lamar’s Hit Song “M.A.A.D. City”

(09/30/21 4:26pm)

It was a deeply emotional Monday morning class for students in WRIT-001 when a fellow Penn student shared a haunting memoir about his deep connections to rapper Kendrick Lamar’s hit song, M.A.A.D. City. M.A.A.D. City  is a commentary on Lamar’s life and the trauma he experienced growing up in Compton, California as a child. The Penn student, who wishes to remain anonymous, compared his own experience growing up in Greenwich, Connecticut to Lamar’s life story.