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Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

(11/02/21 3:45pm)

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you. President Gutmann has taken extreme measures to secure her youth and longevity, practices made infamous by none other than Lord Voldemort. Yes, that’s right, Amy Gutmann has 7 magical horcruxes splitting her soul and protecting her from death. Here is what I think they are:


Gutmann Shopping for Oktoberfest Outfit: 'Which Sexy Lederhosen Is Most Professional?'

(10/26/21 4:10pm)

It was a sight to see Monday afternoon after Amy Gutmann was spotted entering Spirit Halloween in Center City. Sources say she was shopping for an outfit for the popular German beer festival, "Oktoberfest." Gutmann, the University's current president, was recently appointed as the next United States ambassador to Germany, an honorable and esteemed position. In an effort to participate in German cultural practices, she will be attending Oktoberfest in Munich this coming fall. The festival is infamous for its long-standing tradition of partying and beer drinking, and this will actually be Gutmann’s 12th time in attendance. She is a self-proclaimed “beer aficionado” and has recently created a craft brew fittingly called "Beerjamin Franklin." These beers were sent in the Class of 2025 welcome packages and students were overwhelmed with appreciation.



Emotional! White Frat Boy From Connecticut Admits That He Resonates Deeply With Kendrick Lamar’s Hit Song “M.A.A.D. City”

(09/30/21 4:26pm)

It was a deeply emotional Monday morning class for students in WRIT-001 when a fellow Penn student shared a haunting memoir about his deep connections to rapper Kendrick Lamar’s hit song, M.A.A.D. City. M.A.A.D. City  is a commentary on Lamar’s life and the trauma he experienced growing up in Compton, California as a child. The Penn student, who wishes to remain anonymous, compared his own experience growing up in Greenwich, Connecticut to Lamar’s life story.





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