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(03/27/15 8:02pm)
UA Elections are great because they're something that some people care about a lot, and most others care about very little — what an exciting dichotomy! Today is voting day, so regardless of whether or not you'll be taking to the polls, actively exercising your constitutional right to abstain, or writing in a name like some sort of asshole, it's important to remember that this whole process is largely without consequence (although we appreciate the yearly airport shuttles). Apart from the absurdities of last year's UA "trial," it seems that little has actually been done in the past twelve months, so here's a list of people and things that tend to accomplish more than our Undergraduate Assembly.
(03/20/15 10:54pm)
Sadly the caveat that "you can't always get what you want" still rings true. And in this case, what we wanted was the ability to get drunk while not spending more than $13 while also not being poisoned by dangerously high levels of arsenic. Unfortunately this idyllic reality was shattered earlier this week when a class-action lawsuit was filed against several California winemakers who seem to want to poison college kids everywhere.
(03/01/15 10:29pm)
On horrible snowy days like this when nothing else seems good, one thing that we can remember is that our moms really do love us! Although she was confused about the appropriate venue to voice her sentiments, one Penn mom luv-ingly commented on the official University of Pennsylvania Facebook to remind her offspring to stay safe and avoid walking alone at night – and to remind us that moms don't really get how to use Facebook.
(02/24/15 5:54pm)
In yet another iteration of the cast of Mario Bros. taking over Penn, Mario and Luigi were recently spotted scootering around in Huntsman and dining in CapoGiro. All signs point to this being a promotional stunt organized by Nintendo as a way to create buzz for the upcoming Penn-themed game "Super Mario OCRKartParty 3." Sources say this gaming experience will feature the plumber-twin heroes Mario and Luigi facing: inexplicably icy brick paths, Moncler-clad Koopa Troopas, battles royale with industry bosses at Capo coffee chats, Fro Gro shopping cart races down Locust, pesky frat-boy Goombas, short-lived feelings of golden invincibility, and the opportunity to experiment with mushrooms at Fling. The goal will still obviously be to rescue Peach, and by Peach we mean a job in New York with a firm your parents can be proud of. Leave it to Nintendo to pull off such an elaborate promotional effort just to brighten our days! Or, you know, this could just be pledging — it's hard to say for sure.
(02/17/15 4:15pm)
Yesterday in a forensic science class, an officer with the Pennsylvania State Police came to campus to present photos of a recent Philadelphia homicide. This was so that students could learn about the necessity of hard science to support litigative measures. A troop of young Girl Scouts also came, for obvious reasons. They can be such Tagalongs!
(02/13/15 9:43pm)
Sure, right now feels like a bad time of year. It's cold af, today is Friday the 13th, Spring Break and fake St. Patrick's are still a month away, and we have to deal with endless anti-Valentine's day sentiments. But hey, everything will be okay! Valentine's Day in reality is nothing but a social construct, and you don't need an external holiday (created in its modern form by greeting card companies) to make you feel good about yourself! If nothing else, UTB loves you, and wants you to remember that Valentine's Day doesn't have to be all bad. So chill out on the Cupid hating, and read on after the jump to find out why there are still reasons for you to be happy this weekend:
(02/11/15 8:36pm)
It looks as though Wharton Magazine might be looking to up its cred with "youths." The magazine just named Steven Markowitz (aka Hoodie Allen) as a member of its annual 40 Under 40 list. In this trying time of OCR, it's nice to be reminded that success is still possible, even if you choose not to enter the world of hedge funds — not that there's anything wrong with that.
(02/10/15 5:00pm)
It's the happiest time of year again! Pledging season is great for everybody except for the pledges. While they sleep in basements and get yelled at for nine weeks, the actives get burrito deliveries and WE get to observe their zany antics.
(02/09/15 3:00pm)
Good news guys -- this week we get to celebrate the most recent iteration of Friday the 13th AND Valentine's Day! It's a bit of a grim double-header, especially given the fact that it's fucking dark and cold outside all of the time. But perhaps this week's coterie of fun events will warm even the iciest of hearts:
(01/30/15 3:13pm)
Kenn Kweder is the best thing that 1970's Philadelphia ever
produced, so it's mostly just surprising that there haven't already been several feature-length films dedicated to his talent and enigma. Though we consider him to be
our very own, standing as the only reason to go to Smoke's on a Tuesday, we
have to remember that he's so, so much more than that.
(01/28/15 9:35pm)
We've done it again! Philadelphia was recently ranked by Kink University as the ninth kinkiest city in all of the United States! William Penn, as we all know, founded this fair city as a haven for those just too kinky for conventional 1682 society, so it's pretty exciting that we're continuing his legacy to this day. Placing in the top 10 of every kink category tested (total kink population, number of kink-aware professionals, and by the type of porn purchases), Philadelphia has truly impressed across the board in terms of kinkiness.
(01/27/15 4:01am)
Though the chances of our snow day actually happening tomorrow are sadly plummeting, the thought of a Tuesday designated for drinking and snuggling still lives on in our hearts like an eternal flame. We can't be sure about tomorrow, but the good news for now is that there's finally a designated (and copyrighted?) website to reflect our snow day predictions. Leave it to Penn kids to spend actual time designing this voting mechanism and tastefully plotted graph – complete with adorable snow imagery!
(01/14/15 3:23pm)
There's really no better indicator that Penn is nearly back in session than a Penn Communications department listserv snafu. It's a time-honored switcharoo, really, when a Penn administrator mistakes an individual named "Al" for the entire undergraduate comm listserv. Or perhaps he or she was trying to exclusively reach communications majors named Al? (Goodness knows we've all been there!)
(12/20/14 4:53pm)
It's a bit late now to be talking about study snacks (thank heavens), but in case any of you are still kickin' it at Penn, be sure to swing by FroGro for a delicious bass or two. Apparently our favorite grocery store wants to advertise the freshness and simplicity of its fish department, assuring us that they're all about that trouble-free bass.
(12/11/14 9:12pm)
It's a horrible snowy day during December reading days, so obviously the ideal time to visit Penn's campus! Jake Miller, a Floridian musician who's been compared in the past to our very own Hoodie Allen, was inexplicably spotted taking a quick selfie while walking down Locust this afternoon. He tweeted that he was "walkin around UPenn," which inspired Hoodie himself to tweet back, "u think ur hoodie af right now." Though it's sort of a bummer that a Penn grad can't use correct syntax, at least this time Hoodie isn't using Twitter to weirdly attack another rapper like he did this past summer. But back to business, @JakeMiller, care to pull a Huntsman and make an appearance at Smoke's later tonight?
(12/05/14 8:39pm)
When Penn Vet horse "My Special Girl" gave birth to a younger, smaller horse live, on-camera last winter, it seemed like the pinnacle of horse-related good times. But the excitement is mounting again with the announcement that the New Bolton Center in Kennett Square, PA is looking for a dedicated corps of horse-sitting volunteers! These lucky, equine-aficionados would be responsible for a variety of tasks, including holding foals upright, milking mares, monitoring equipment, changing bedding, and cleaning equipment. And it gets even better, because somehow you don't even need any prior experience with horses to qualify for this!
(12/04/14 9:30pm)
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our annual Joke Day series. As if we would ever use this font seriously.]
(12/02/14 11:18pm)
EEK! A mouse! Contrary to popular belief, even Penn professors are sometimes scared by tiny rodents. Panic set in yesterday when a mouse was spotted scurrying along the floor during a MKTG101 lecture. So spooked was Professor Niedermeier that he leapt up on a chair to avoid the attack of such a terrifying creature. We've really been having quite the Huntsman hijinks lately. No word yet on what exactly the mouse was doing in G06, but one thing's for sure: he was in the wrong product promotion price place.
(12/01/14 10:14pm)
So it looks like Penn kids are being graded to create social awareness again. Although apathy is too often the name of the game here at Penn, some intrepid young MGMT 104 students are seeking to end the egregious (read: just sort of annoying) practice of flyering on Locust. Sure, flyers are irritating, but where else would we draw our weekly haiku inspiration? How else would we practice aggressively ignoring other people? How would we know about the thousands of a cappella shows occuring every weekend? Would Penn even be Penn without flyering?!
(11/12/14 3:07pm)
Founded as a spooky alternative to the basic-ness of panhellenic sororities, Tabard has, for years, been perplexing freshman girls with its clandestine recruiting techniques. So haunted was one nursing freshman by the notion of "the anti-sorority sorority" that she was driven to posting in the Official Nursing Class of 2018 Facebook group asking if interested women might want to meet up and head over together. Ah, the innocence of youth.