Quiz: Which One of You Thinks Your Time Is Worth so Much That You Can Leave Your Tupperware in the Sink?
(09/26/18 4:14pm)
1. Whose dirty Tupperware is in the sink?
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1. Whose dirty Tupperware is in the sink?
It started out just like how every group photo does: two ladies taking a photo. Then a third woman inserts herself into the shot. A few more weasel themselves into the growing crowd. Then naturally Brooke thinks to herself, “hey, if Melissa’s in this picture, then why the hell am I standing on the sideline?”
Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.
As NSO rolls around, so do all those Facebook darty invites. Of course, Carolina Cortes (C ’21), because she isn’t rude, replied ‘going’ to all of them: to panthers, to gorillas, and, yes, even to scorpions. However, Cortes isn’t necessarily excited to hit any of the parties. “I’m not really the going out type,” she explains, “but I feel like I need to show face, you know?”
Before arriving at Penn, Seiji Sample (C ’21) had no idea he would need a fake ID, but within the first week he already saw fellow freshmen going in on orders together. Sample, a sensitive soul, had a little trouble finding friends during NSO. As a result, he missed out these orders.
Mom, you promised that if I ever felt uncomfortable at a party that you would pick me up. I know you’re in Michigan at the moment, but I need to be out of here in 15 minutes. The kids are all drinking and grinding on each other, and I’m pretty sure that there are swear words in the music. You were right, Cindy’s mom Susan was smart to only let us play the clean version of songs at our lights-on parties: this environment is vulgar.
Julie Robison (C '19) knows quite a bit about avocado. She knows that they charge extra at Chipotle for guac on her bowl. She knows that its increased consumption causes even more deforestation in Mexico and South America. And she knows it’s a premium topping at Sweetgreen, even if she only gets four goddamn toppings in the first place.
Who would walk down Locust in a grey, Gildan-brand Penn dad shirt besides an actual student’s father? Me. I would.
Last week United by Blue (UBB) management announced that the store expansion just wasn’t enough. UBB needed better branding as well. The coffee shop is already a hipster joint that sells locally made pastries, has its employees wear flannels, and, let’s face it, just isn't Starbucks.
Wow. How dare you not let me into this concert with my water bottle. I don’t care if the contents are bright red. Do you not see that the cap is completely sealed? Try opening it. You will hear the crisp snap of a fresh bottle. If that isn’t the sign of pure water, I don’t know what is.
Wharton sophomore Kyle Brooks finally declared his concentration. In fact, he declared two: pussy and weed.
The results are in. I’m not pregnant. So now what I want to know is: who wrecked the fucking curve?
I know this sounds crazy. Why would an international pop star be a member of one of Penn’s fraternities? But hear me out. I’ve been mulling over the possibility that this man in Castle was Niall Horan for a while now, and last Friday’s late-night just confirmed why 1D’s (RIP) blond-haired Irishman must be a part of that organization.
Many young women at Penn have come to learn that they will sometimes get unsolicited advances at frat parties. No matter how many workshops are held for members of Greek life to learn about consent and sexual harassment, these incidents keep happening. As a result, sophomore Katie Johnson has decided to take a stand all on her own.
According to her twitter, Amy Gutmann is “excited to finally see what the city of Philadelphia has to offer.”
This just in: Jenna Wilber (C '19) is a financial genius. For those of us who like drinking one GT’s kombucha a day, minimum, but don’t like the monthly cost of about $120, Wilber has cracked the code.
Let’s face it. Freshman boys do not yet have the charm nor the skill to execute a decent strip tease. That’s why, to spice up big-little week, Pottruck will be offering classes to show these pledges how to shed that awkwardness and hopefully make an impression on the ladies.
A lot of Penn students were horse girls at some point in their lives, but very few are horse women. Junior Hannah Engelwood is one of those few, and she has brought her love for horses to the school’s social scene.
Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.
Ah, to wake up on a Saturday morning to a $162 Venmo request from your friend whose Uber rating you just destroyed! That's when a person’s heart would normally drop. You see, I would normally be upset to have to pay the cost of Holiday Inn room for throwing up all over myself, but I’ve learned to put things in perspective.