OP-ED: I Ain’t Got Much, but I'll Always Have My Dunkin’ Boosted Status
(11/29/23 12:05am)
It's been a long journey, and one I won't ever be able to forget.
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It's been a long journey, and one I won't ever be able to forget.
It looks like Gravesend, today, as I glance left, right, and inwards from my front row seat of MGMT 3010 and I can't help but think about what I'm doing it all for. I choose to absorb, to consume knowledge, to let ideas permeate the membrane of my consciousness until I've postulated a higher thesis on the class content. Today I am self-actualizing: this class is showing me my value, our value; let us derive value together.
Beep boop beep boop.
In the bottom of a well-frequented building lives one man’s little kingdom. He possesses great riches, but whence they come few know. There, he treats his children well.
Well, hello there.
This Tuesday, I’m not voting on abortion, you stupid liberal, I’m voting for who’s going to make Pennsylvania feel like home. A real home. One with all the dainty little frills of suburban consumerism, and pithy rich blue-leaning men who smell and look like truckies.
Neil Armstrong. Buzz Aldrin. Alan Shepard.
From: Amy Gutmann <president@upenn.edu>
Wails were heard across campus today as Frau Gutmann announced what her final act as President would be. No, it’s not an Oktoberfest bender with each day themed to what she did with each million she’s earned - they did that last year - but finally we’re upgrading the Penn In-Touch system.
In what is now emerging as a shocking series of events, white people are getting confused.
The White House has been quick to shut down local ‘skinhead greenie’ Maxine Dickinson this week after her latest occurrence of what they call ‘contagious socialist homo-pedantic abortive radicalism’.
It’s been a tough few years to be a white male. Women’s voices were actually heard over theirs thanks to the #MeToo movement. Last year the quasi-liberals discovered that the BLM movement existed. And just when you thought those pesky greenies had shut up about climate change, no! - those damn club applications!
In case you missed those piddly little signs stuck in the grass around campus - it’s Climate Week! WOO-HOO. Now all the radicals who put this together can get this on their resume from their AC’ed rooms. Get your lighters out to survive the total sum of nothing organised!