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John Legend And Chrissy Teigen Welcome Perfect Bundle Of Joy

(04/18/16 3:45pm)

Last Thursday, while we were out pre-gaming the 4 days of fling debauchery, one of our most esteemed alums was out in the world being productive. That’s right, on April 14th, John Legend and wife Chrissy Teigen welcomed their first daughter, Luna Simone Stephens. No pictures of the Class of ’38 ED applicant have been released yet, but we do know that she weighs 6 lb 11 oz and that her name was approved by the only other guy cooler than Legend: President Barack Obama.

Pro/Con/Pro: Eating At Restaurants With Health Violations

(04/07/16 1:49pm)

Harvest recently joined Chipotle on the list of beloved yet germ-ridden eating establishments on campus, and we know how tough that's been for everyone. What is to be done? Do we just jump ship to Qdoba/City Tap? What of loyalty and second chances? It's a tough one, which is why we've laid out the most salient arguments here for you. Take heart and hang in there. 

ShutterButton: New Huntsman Geofilter Is Geofire

(03/22/16 9:25pm)

Continuing our reportage of Snapchat news on campus – there’s finally a Huntsman geofilter! At long last, finance bros and wannabes alike can humblebrag about their all-nighters without trying to work “GSR” into a witty caption. And boy, look at that geofilter. The regular person might say it looks ungainly, but if you even hang at Huntsman, you’ll know better. Look at the arch of that Word Art and how it aligns elegantly with the building – that’s good design.

New Vending Machine Has Everything You Need In The World

(03/16/16 3:05pm)

Phone at 1% and desperately need to snapchat the extra protein in your food? Penn’s gotchu. New all-purpose vending machines have been installed at Commons and McClelland for your convenience. You can buy phone cables, portable CHRGRs (no vowels so you know that ish is high tech), Advil and Free Range Turkey Jerky. It’s so sweet that the administration knows about our tech and turkey addictions. They even made it freshman-proof by using little severed hands to show them how a vending machine works. 

Rubio Says Whartonites Can't Speill

(02/29/16 9:56pm)

Bring on the San Pellegrino ice cubes because everyone’s favorite business school just got burned. In a campaign rally last Friday, Senator Marco Rubio called Donald Trump out for his poor orthography, reading out tweets where he wrote that it was a “great honer” to receive good polling on the Republican debates and that Rubio was a “leightweight chocker.” The Florida senator then took things further, saying, “Number one, that’s how they spell those words at the Wharton School of Business, where he went, or number two, just like Trump Tower, he must have hired a foreign worker to do his own tweets.”

ShutterButton: Assassination In Van Pelt

(02/16/16 7:00pm)

Van Pelt has always been depressing, but this dead mouse really brings it to a new low. If you’ve kept up with our regular tracking of the Mousies of UPENN (Ed. Note: This is a Facebook page waiting to happen...), you would know that our furry friends have been spotted frolicking in Steiny D, Joe’s Cafe, and various dining halls. This, however, is the first time we are reporting a casualty. Perhaps he was scurrying to USC for one of the swivel chairs with faux-ergonomic backrests? Or maybe he was headed to the toilet for a sniff of some mid-paper cocaine? In any case, this mouse was one of us. RIP little buddy.