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(02/18/24 12:00am)
On Feb. 15, Penn released a notice alerting its student population participating in interracial relationships that they would be under University investigation within the coming days. This notice outlined that if these couples were found to be racially 50% Asian (East, South, etc.) and 50% White, they would be promptly put on academic probation, and those comprising the White demographic would be identified and questioned by Penn Police.
(10/09/23 6:31pm)
It’s that time of year! Companies are starting to welcome new hires for the coming summer, and young adults across the nation are foaming at the mouth at the chance to sell their fleeting youth to Big Internship. Internship hunting can be overwhelming, and it is often difficult to find the opportunities meant for you. Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages. Here are eight companies that are hiring interns, and accepting sexual favors, for summer 2024!
(10/09/23 6:22pm)
It is the night before my first midterm. The sun has set, the dining halls have closed, and chatter fills the air as many across campus gear up for a night of frivolity. It is finally time for me to rise from my 12 hour-long nap and cram the [first and] last few hours of studying.
(09/11/23 2:40pm)
Hey, what’s up you guys! I just got off my flight to Philadelphia International Airport from Heathrow, and I’m really excited to show everyone my upcoming Fall semester, going off the beaten path and (drumroll please) … studying abroad! I know, I know. I am a person simply consumed by wanderlust, and most people wouldn’t understand why I would want to abandon my campus and my friends for many months. I know, I’m different.
(09/14/23 4:30pm)
Rush season on college campuses across the United States is not a time of holiness. Sinning runs rampant; intoxication, fornication, and spiritual deprivation all accompany “Meeting the Bros” or “dirty rushing.” Any word preceded by “dirty” is not an activity that a good Christian soul should partake in. However, there is a way to do away with this filth and rush piously, how Jesus would. Here are seven tips to rush in the same vein as the Messiah:
(03/02/23 6:57pm)
Last week, the freshman class at Penn were given three days to select their residences for the 2023-24 school year. However, the medium for these selections, My Home At Penn, frequently stalled out and experienced other shortages during the time slots. It was previously thought that these technical difficulties came as a result of the thousands of students hoping to get “an 03 room on the Rodin top floors,” yet this was soon proven false. What was discovered in its place was a new culprit: a local militia trying to claim The Radian as their own.
(02/28/23 3:56am)
I need an escape from the grind, and spring break has arrived as my savior. It will be a week of drinking and partying, one would think. However, I’m different. I’m different from the normal Cancún and Miami excursions. I’m different from the American neoliberal agenda. I’m going to Cabo for spring break in a woke, leftist way, and I’m going to make Papa Marx proud.
(02/27/23 5:40pm)
Students asked, and Penn answered! “Natty Light” is now available at 1920 Commons, Hill, and the Houston Market Meal Exchange starting this coming Monday. Penn Dining has been consistently improving their plentiful options for the new semester. First came the additional smoothies at 1920 Commons and Hill breakfast to help more people start their day on the right note; however, many students felt that this left other parts of the typical school day neglected. Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn’s finest dining establishments. This new addition primarily helps students persevere later into their days and nights when pure coffee doesn’t suffice. Whether they’re doing tedious Writing Seminar work, sitting through hours of CIS office hour lines, or going to a GBM they’re definitely excited for, students have been making quick work of the added refreshments. We polled real Quakers on how they feel about this new component to their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. “Finally, I can sit through my 8:30 [AM] BEPP 1000 recitation!” stated one Wharton student approvingly. “I would prefer Pike’s mystery vodka, but this also gets the job done,” lamented one freshman. With students’ approval, hopefully Penn Dining continues catering towards the needs of its customer base. As they embark on this path, there’s no doubt that a more fulfilled student body is to come; data indicates that pisses taken on the Benjamin statue have already increased by 30%!