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After years of terrorizing commuters, travelers, and students who flex by taking Amtrak instead of Megabus, the man releasing birds into 30th St. Station has finally been apprehended. Police say the suspect, 45-year-old Barry Weiner, was caught in a sting operation attempting to purchase 30 black market sparrows.
“No new friends.”
Joining an already-crowded pool of politicians vying for their party’s nomination, president of Penn Democrats Joshua Silverman (C '20) declared Monday his intentions to run for the most powerful office in world, citing the presence of “issues” and “problems” in the government, as well as “things that are not going well.”
After indicting former Penn basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.
After buying their plane tickets to Berlin and booking their Airbnb, Philip Bickman (C ’21) and his five friends sat back and relaxed. They agreed to meet up again at some point to sort out the activities and destinations for each day. But a month went by without a mention of the trip, and Jared had a midterm when they wanted to meet, so they decided to just “figure it out” when they get there.
A new paper published by the Biology department projects that Engineering junior Zach Fleischman is the only living creature aside from cockroaches that could survive a nuclear holocaust. The paper bases its conclusion upon the fact that Fleischman was seen donning a Penn Engineering T-shirt in 20-degree weather last week.
Senior year carries with it tropes of burning out and being washed up. Former type-A students start earning Ds, and ex-socialites can barely stay up past 11. However some, like Andie Adkins (C ’19), have courageously continued their quests of drinking multiple times a week despite the tremendous toll it takes on their physical health.
Greg Nelson (W ‘20) was ecstatic when his hard work and family connections paid off to secure him a Morgan Stanley internship for the Summer in New York. Nelson was even more ecstatic when he finally signed the lease for a highly sought after alleyway in Midtown.
After student objections to its chosen lineup for Spring Fling in 2018, Penn’s Social Planning and Events Committee (SPEC) has opted to think a little bigger this year, recruiting rapper and entrepreneur Ja Rule to put on an “experience of a lifetime” in the Bahamas. SPEC was reportedly sold on the idea after a two-minute, “life-changing” pitch.
A new report by the Pew Research Center forecasts that approximately 90% of the United States population will be employed as consultants by 2030. The prediction, based on nationwide surveys and current employment trends, considers the increasing rate at which college students are selling their souls for cash.
According to a statement released yesterday, Penn Administrators have almost finally completed going over course feedback from the 2005 Spring semester. Data for each course will be sent to the respective school, which will be expected to make changes per student recommendations.
Kaitlyn Hill (W ’19) had never felt better as she rolled into Smokes to celebrate her 21st birthday. No longer would she have to fret as the bouncers inspected her fake, which they would hold up to the light while they asked for the capital of Delaware.
Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.
Ninety percent of student activist output assumes the form of Facebook posts and comments, a team of Penn researchers found in a study published Monday. The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.
Energized by the 2018 Midterms and a B- on the most recent exam, Poli Sci 001 student Brandon Willis (C ’22) can hardly contain his excitement to yell basic political theory at his unsuspecting family during Thanksgiving dinner.
Voter turnout rates for Penn students took a dive this Election Day after the discontinuation of Postmates’ popular ballot delivery service, angering many who expected significant support from millennials during the midterms.
Realizing he could only name three of his five future roommates and could pick even fewer out of a crowd, College freshman Howard Rodriguez began to wonder if signing a year-long lease with essential strangers had been a bit hasty.
Local hero Dana Klein (C ’20) had both the environment and her roommate’s wellbeing in mind last Thursday when she left her dirty pan on the stove after cooking a somehow-burnt batch of scrambled eggs.
Hey, friend. I see you’ve finished the problem set due tomorrow. Me? No, I haven’t started—had to see some friends at Smokes last night. Yeah, the night before too. It’s just been busy.
A recent survey conducted by the Penn English Department found that over half of their undergraduate majors could not spell “Schuylkill,” a finding which calls into question the quality of education English majors receive at the school.