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Penn Astronomers Discover Moon is Actually Extremely Close and Just Very Small

(01/15/18 4:39pm)

Researchers from Penn’s department of Physics and Astronomy made another groundbreaking scientific discovery last Tuesday when they concluded that, contrary to centuries of astronomical data, Earth’s moon is actually extremely close and just very small. This new theory flies in the face of long-standing beliefs regarding the size of and our proximity to the natural satellite.

OP-ED: I Refuse to Support This Destructive and Irresponsible Senate Tax Bill Until It Is Presented to Me in MLA Format

(12/04/17 8:19pm)

In a shocking display of cynicism and disregard for 99% of the American population, the United States Senate passed a tax reform bill before sunrise on Saturday morning which bestows extensive tax cuts upon the rich and massive benefits to corporations, leaving the rest of America in the dust, without even bothering to properly format the document.

Penn to Build New Dorm in Cayman Islands

(11/22/17 6:47am)

Just a few days after Penn was named in the Paradise Papers as an organization with accounts held at the virtually tax-free Cayman Islands, the University Board of Trustees has announced plans to construct a new college house in the Caribbean British territory. Construction will occur simultaneously with New College House West. The Board cited “space restrictions in the current system” as the reason for the project.

'Oh Yeah, I Love Weed,' Says Guy Smoking Wrong End of Joint

(11/11/17 6:58am)

Standing in a circle with people he just met that night, College freshman Gary Carr gripped a joint between his middle and ring fingers and pressed the lit end against his lips. “Ah, marijuana is great,” Carr professed. “Ouch! Better let this one cool down though!” he laughed, immediately reaching for some of the aloe he keeps in his back pocket.

Applicant Numbers Plummet After Woman Posts Negative Review on Penn Facebook Page

(11/01/17 1:08pm)

Looking to surpass last year's record high number of applicants, Penn Admissions pulled out all the stops in marketing Penn to wealthy accomplished students this year. But preliminary Early Decision numbers indicate that their efforts were thwarted by an unexpected opponent: Kathy Lee, 68, from Park Rock, Georgia, who left a negative Facebook review on the University’s page.

Wow, Celebrities Came to Penn! Here’s Where They Pooped

(10/25/17 7:40am)

It’s always a treat to have celebrities visit — or even better, attend — our very attractive and popular institution. Every time a Penn alum is in the news, it's cause to lose your fucking shit. And because we were so interested in where celebrities lived, here's the logical follow-up, spilling the beans on where these celebrities pooped on campus.

Intro Biology Class Plunges Into Chaos After Professor Drops Course

(10/10/17 3:41am)

The drop period ended at midnight on Monday, and one class member’s last-minute departure has hit an introductory biology lecture particularly hard. The course’s professor, Dr. David Abelson, decided to drop, explaining that the class “failed to match his interests” and “was stupid.” However, the sudden move left a power vacuum that has yet to be securely filled.

​Stressed Wharton Students Find Solace in Internship VR Experience

(10/05/17 4:10pm)

With OCR ongoing and many working to secure their internships for the Summer of 2018 2019 2020, some finance students are buckling under the overwhelming pressure to be better than all of their peers. While many destress by trading penny stocks or monitoring their families’ offshore accounts, some have turned to a new, alternative technology for decompression: a state-of-the-art internship virtual-reality simulation.

Frat House Crumbles After Partygoer Stealthily Nabs Crucial Structural Element

(10/23/17 6:06am)

For freshman and upperclassmen alike, open fraternity events provide a unique opportunity to steal valuable items, such as toothpaste, wall decorations, a handle of cheap vodka, or crackers from the kitchen cabinet. The experience leaves them with an adrenaline rush, an inexplicable sense of fulfillment, and zero guilt about stealing from people, somehow. This past weekend, however, someone took the activity to its extreme.