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A few days after sorority recruits were celebrating their bids, fraternity members were heard mocking the Panhellenic process while simultaneously competing for the approval of their 18-year-old male rushes.
Researchers from Penn’s department of Physics and Astronomy made another groundbreaking scientific discovery last Tuesday when they concluded that, contrary to centuries of astronomical data, Earth’s moon is actually extremely close and just very small. This new theory flies in the face of long-standing beliefs regarding the size of and our proximity to the natural satellite.
In a move some described as “excessive,” College freshman and Political Science major Justin West permanently severed all contact with his friends and family in order to prepare for his first and only final of the year. After the final took place on Friday, West seemed to be happy with his decision.
In a shocking display of cynicism and disregard for 99% of the American population, the United States Senate passed a tax reform bill before sunrise on Saturday morning which bestows extensive tax cuts upon the rich and massive benefits to corporations, leaving the rest of America in the dust, without even bothering to properly format the document.
The holiday season is upon us, and Penn Information Systems and Computing is getting into the spirit, announcing an incredible Cyber Monday deal that will render course registration software PennInTouch usable. Today and today only, students will be able to use the website for its intended purpose. Sweet!
Just a few days after Penn was named in the Paradise Papers as an organization with accounts held at the virtually tax-free Cayman Islands, the University Board of Trustees has announced plans to construct a new college house in the Caribbean British territory. Construction will occur simultaneously with New College House West. The Board cited “space restrictions in the current system” as the reason for the project.
This guy lost his toothbrush, so now he puts toothpaste on everything. Here is his story.
It’s a hard day to be a Quaker. As a school that lives and breathes football, Penn was heartbroken this past weekend when a Yale victory kicked the Quakers out of the running for a cumulative 41/42 of the Ivy League trophy.
Standing in a circle with people he just met that night, College freshman Gary Carr gripped a joint between his middle and ring fingers and pressed the lit end against his lips. “Ah, marijuana is great,” Carr professed. “Ouch! Better let this one cool down though!” he laughed, immediately reaching for some of the aloe he keeps in his back pocket.
Looking to surpass last year's record high number of applicants, Penn Admissions pulled out all the stops in marketing Penn to wealthy accomplished students this year. But preliminary Early Decision numbers indicate that their efforts were thwarted by an unexpected opponent: Kathy Lee, 68, from Park Rock, Georgia, who left a negative Facebook review on the University’s page.
It’s always a treat to have celebrities visit — or even better, attend — our very attractive and popular institution. Every time a Penn alum is in the news, it's cause to lose your fucking shit. And because we were so interested in where celebrities lived, here's the logical follow-up, spilling the beans on where these celebrities pooped on campus.
Just when you thought it was safe to party again.
In a unanimous decision, an impartial committee has decided that, in light of all relevant evidence, the parents of Carlos Romero (C ’19) were almost certainly cooler than him when they were in college.
The drop period ended at midnight on Monday, and one class member’s last-minute departure has hit an introductory biology lecture particularly hard. The course’s professor, Dr. David Abelson, decided to drop, explaining that the class “failed to match his interests” and “was stupid.” However, the sudden move left a power vacuum that has yet to be securely filled.
Hi there. Remember me? I interviewed for that entry management position last week. If you don’t remember, I was the handsome one. Haha! Just kidding. But really, do you remember me?
With OCR ongoing and many working to secure their internships for the Summer of 2018 2019 2020, some finance students are buckling under the overwhelming pressure to be better than all of their peers. While many destress by trading penny stocks or monitoring their families’ offshore accounts, some have turned to a new, alternative technology for decompression: a state-of-the-art internship virtual-reality simulation.
Negotiating is an art form: you offer one thing, they offer another, you compromise, nobody’s happy. But Wharton Junior Michael Bell obviously missed some lectures of his Negotiations class, because he ended up with the worst room in his seven-person house.
For freshman and upperclassmen alike, open fraternity events provide a unique opportunity to steal valuable items, such as toothpaste, wall decorations, a handle of cheap vodka, or crackers from the kitchen cabinet. The experience leaves them with an adrenaline rush, an inexplicable sense of fulfillment, and zero guilt about stealing from people, somehow. This past weekend, however, someone took the activity to its extreme.
When Charlie Milligan was enlisted by VPUL to keep a careful eye on the nightlife at campus, he was ecstatic to finally put his refined judgement of event quality to use. Last night, that judgement fell without mercy on a unidentified party hosted off-campus. “It was…pitiful,” Milligan sighed.