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The rest of you may have headed to Puerto Vallarta, a cruise on the Caribbean, or another exotic locale, but I’m not jealous. I was at home, getting wasted with my mom on a Tuesday night.
You’ve been there. You’ve seen the idiots that stand in one huddled mass instead of splitting into the five separate checkout lines that the cashiers insist there are. The crowd mobbing the counter where the drinks are set down, but only for a moment, before a vicious claw reaches for her iced soy milk macchiato.
“Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate”
My roommate is the absolute best. Some roomies bake each other cookies, have spa nights, or watch movies together, but my roommate is much more considerate: she leaves her pubic hair all over the bathroom, so that if she commits a crime, I have DNA samples that can ensure a speedy trial and a swift conviction. She’s the best!
A Sunday brunch set aside to celebrate womanhood, friendship, and independence quickly turned into a disaster for the restaurant, onlookers, and the girl gang who occupied a corner table by the window.
We all already know that Valentine’s Day is a sexist holiday created by corporations to sell you things you don’t need to prove you love the people closest to you. Obviously, as a woke, intersectional, patriarchy-fighting, planned parenthood-donating feminist, you want no part in this holiday. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve chocolate. Here are three outfits to wear this Valentine’s Day to let everyone around you know that you don’t believe in being a cog in the fascist, heteronormative, oppressive, capitalist regime, but still want chocolates on February 14th.