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(03/31/14 4:33pm)
Oh wait, this wasn't a performing arts group's spring performance of UA Elections: I Promise I Didn't Pay For Facebook Likes? With all that's going on this week, you could've had us fooled. For three-plus hours we were glued to our computer screens watching the hilarious circus that was the "trial" for Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar, who were accused of withholding monetary records related to their campaign. So, follow along as we recap the most memorable, Emmy-worthy quotes of the latest episode of House of Cards hearing.
"This is an orderly process governed by rules. Please respect that...This is not a spectacle for your entertainment." Oh yes, yes it is (and it was).
"I'm filing a complaint against Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar for...I think...violation." Our sentiments exactly.
"Many celebrities, entertainers, [and] people across the world buy fake Facebook likes. This helps them build credibility for their pages and also spark attention for their pages." Wait. Aren't those two very different things?
"You have people, some friends, some foes, that like this information...This is what most Facebook FACES do. They show the friends that you have in common before you scroll down and realize...it takes a lot of time." But let's just go through the process, minute and inconsequential detail by minute and inconsequential detail, anyway.
"There's followers, probably some of whom have followers...Lovely My, who is that? Bad SP, who's this? A dog?" If my grandma can make a Facebook, then surely her dog can, too.
[And with a raised voice, a plot twist takes the room by storm midway into the hearing.] "The Penn Politcal Review Facebook page also contains A GREAT NUMBER OF FAKE FACEBOOK LIKES!" GOOD. GOD.
"As you scroll down, the likes WILL get fake." We know we said it takes a lot of time to scroll through all the likes, and that we also didn't have concrete evidence that the likes are, in fact, fake, but trust us--they are.
"If I'm not a credible source, Under the Button put their story up the day those likes went up. There's numerous information that shows that." TRUEST STATEMENT OF THE PROCEEDINGS (and excuse us for being self-referential).
[On hypothetically creating 500 profiles just to like the page.] "That's very, very easy to do." But...but...didn't you just say that even scrolling through the profiles would take too much time? WE'RE JUST SO CONFUSED.
"Point of clarification. Is there a motion I can pass so that question can have a point of clarification to it?" "Yeah, sure." What an eloquent way to ask a question regarding if questions may be posed more eloquently.
"Is it possible to get Facebook likes that are entirely cost-free?" Yeah, it's called having friends.
[UTB post referenced for the second time.] "Two of them were my biological uncles." RAUCOUS APPLAUSE BREAKS OUT FROM THE CROWD as everyone realizes that Julie has some seriously cool uncles.
"I don't need random people to like my page. I have FRIENDS." Shots fired.
Next, it is revealed that the Facebook likes may have been procured (*gasp*) FOR FREE! If so, are they still shady? Are they less important? Where do they fall on the spectrum of "wonders of the world?"
[A metaphor, likes as chalk.] "If a free service hypothetically provided me with a piece of chalk for free, we would still have to mark that down at a market rate for the campaign." What a shitty free service.
"Their profile pictures were dogs. Some people were from random schools and I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck.com." No commentary needed...except for maybe that we-don't-give-a-fuck.com either.
"That domain name was given to me as a gift." Birthday ideas for the overzealous student politician in your life!
"It was a barren website." 'Barren' as in...plant-less and unable to reproduce?
"If you're going to be smart, all they can say is 'no, we didn't do it.'" Alas, if anyone was going to be smart, we wouldn't need a hearing.
[Slide shows Delaney-Bittar Facebook page, of which the cover photo is a house of cards.] "Hopefully this house of cards does fall." [Room fills with nervous laughter.] That is some gentle, gentle comedy.
"In terms of Penn Cash expenses, all of my expenses for printing were done via my Penn Cash account." Dude, you sound like an incorrect answer choice to an SAT writing question.
"Unfortunately, I don't remember every single print that I made for the last two weeks because I do go to class like everybody else." HOW CONVENIENT.
"Do you have any ACTUAL evidence, not just correlation or speculation?" Thank you for reminding us what the purpose of this hearing really is.
"Did you document these likes?" "'Document?' What do you mean 'document'?" We literally mean 'document'...
"Are you a Manchurian candidate?" "A what?" When we heard this, all we could think of were churros.
"Does this constitute forgery?" "I'm not a lawyer so I don't know." Finally, five minutes before this thing ends someone in the room admits that they are not a laywer and this is not, in fact, an actual trial.
"When you leave this room, please treat each other respectfully and kindly." Just...LOL. (We hope this post doesn't violate that suggestion.)
"No one speaks on my behalf, especially a STRANGER with a GRUDGE and MALICIOUS INTENTIONS. He is not a part of this campaign, he never has been, he never will be." This could be an actual "House of Cards" quote.
Best part of this whole snafu? Delaney and Bittar wouldn't have won whether or not they had been disqualified. Ah, Penn. Showing the White House how it's done.
(03/24/14 6:01pm)
Hello and thank you for continuing on this journey through peer-produced popularity contest propaganda. If you're just joining us, uh, why haven't you checked out Part I yet? Anyway, hopefully you've seen the posters which means you're ready to move onto the big boy stuff: videos and websites.
(03/24/14 6:00pm)
Hooooo boy, we at it again. If you're living under a rock and/or your newsfeed isn't overflowing with profile pic propaganda, first of all, you're lucky and can we be you? Second of all, just know that we've now entered
UA Election Week! (Cue this sound effect and an eyeroll.)
(03/19/14 7:45pm)
Gossip time: UA President & VP candidates Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar have enjoyed an exponential increase in Facebook likes today – and not from Penn students. Or anyone they know, for that matter. Hundreds of social media brownie points have been accrued from bizarre (fake?) accounts. Seems suspicious. Shonda's still around...do you think a political fixer is needed? Be sure to experience the drama live tonight at the presidential debate (7 p.m. in Steiny-D), moderated by the DP and featuring free Federal Donuts. Check out more screenshots after the jump and let us know your thoughts in the comments.
(03/07/14 3:30pm)
Today Penn students will begin leaving for warmer / colder / homier climes, and we can't help but wonder: what will go down while we're gone? Here's our best guess:
(03/05/14 3:18am)
After a two year hiatus, UTB After Dark is proud and scandalized to present the grand, salacious return of our notorious anonymous sex diary, Pennetration. Once an infamous weekly feature in 2010, the column made a comeback in 2012. Caught up, underclassmen? Tonight, the ninth edition makes its debut – this time courtesy of a man. Names are changed to protect identity, as they always will be...were you to spill your sauciest anecdotes to contact@underthebutton.com.
I met "Bernadette" at church, obviously. Cincinnati's finest indie rock band was playing a show at First Unitarian, and I had neglected to buy a ticket. The show was sold out, but I decided to flex my formidable scalping skills and go anyway.
While casing the line for potential losers whose friends had bailed and left them with extra tickets, I spotted an attractive girl looking lonely and half-heartedly calling out for unwanted tickets. Seizing on this obvious sexual opportunity, I swooped in. My game was in rare form that night—in just a few minutes, I learned that her prominent and illegible forearm tattoos were written in Icelandic, why she was looking for tickets and what her phone number was.
Turns out she and a friend had driven to Philly from “Central PA” to see this show. Why they did that without having secured tickets beforehand is one of the great mysteries of my life. Feeling inexplicably bold, I cavalierly pointed out two men in line that I thought looked like they would have tickets to spare. In a stroke of luck, those guys actually did have extras, both of which I gamely surrendered to my indie princess in despair.
I felt cool as fuck, and I think Bernie felt it, too. I ended up talking my way into the show.
Later that night, we met up after the concert, by which I mean she got plastered and drove her friend’s car from North Philly to my apartment. Her level of intoxication made me uncomfortable, as did her weird New Age fantasies of starting a pot farm and living off the land in Iceland. Nothing happened.
Then, out of the blue three weeks later, I started getting some straight-up raunchy SMS erotica from an unknown number. Apparently I hadn't saved her digits, but a quick Wikipedia search of the area code confirmed a “Central PA” provenance. Between wildly imaginative missives, Bernie invited me to “come see some more of what Pennsylvania had to offer.” Fall break was approaching, and I had nothing else planned, so I agreed.
The next weekend, I hopped the Megabus to State College.
As promised, Bernie picked me up and drove me a half hour out of town to her apartment, a shag-carpeted one-bedroom above a hardware store. Once there, we proceeded to do nothing but have sex. That night, we went three rounds. To be completely honest, that was enough for even my raging 19-year-old libido. The next morning, we went three more times, for a grand total of six (6) ejaculations in under 24 hours.
I was exhausted and sore, and I caught the bus home a day early.
The sixth round is the only one I can clearly resolve in my memory, for reasons that will soon become clear. In the light of the late morning, I saw that Bernie was far more heavily tattooed than I had initially thought. Flowers, skeletons and cryptic proverbs written in heavy metal fonts comprised the majority of her generally tasteful ink...
But while engaging in surprisingly un-awkward doggy-style, I made a discovery that haunts me to this day. There, emblazoned on her left shoulder blade in burnt orange ink, was the smirking face of none other than John C. Reilly, complete with his Adult Swim catchphrase “FOR YOUR HEALTH.” I stopped, horrified and confused.
As if expecting this, Bernie mumbled, “I'll tell you later,” and I closed my eyes and finished.
(03/01/14 11:38pm)
Look, we get it: everyone has got their "spot" on campus, and some are just better than others. And no, we're not talkin' steamiest locales to get it in; we want to know the best places to chow down. Alas, follow along with two of our writers, Charlotte Coran and Myles Wolfe, as we pro/con our first victim, Bridge Café, to determine whether it's in or out.
(02/28/14 6:22pm)
We've all heard about the OTHER UPenns. They show up in Google Searches, they muddle our drop-down menus, they cloud our social networks. Who are they (members of the Pennsylvania State System of Higher Ed!) and what makes them tick? We took a cursory glance at their websites for you.
(02/27/14 3:00pm)
Continuing in the spirit of this, here's a kvetchy, Buzzfeedy list of ALL THE THINGS WE HAVE TO DO TODAY (UGH). We probably won't even make it past the first one. Our life is so hard.
(02/22/14 6:54pm)
If you have recently a) seen girls carrying trash bags around campus b) heard shrieks coming from girls’ rooms in your hall or c) found glitter in your pockets without any idea where it came from...LOCK YOUR DOORS RIGHT NOW. But not really, just know that sorority big/little weeks are abuzz, and UTB is in on the fun.
(02/13/14 6:06pm)
Ay bb, since you don't wanna go out and get/make your own, we did you a solid and made some quick 'n' dirty, sick 'n' flirty, punny 'n' Penn-y Vday cards. Print 'em out, give 'em to that special Quaker in your life, email 'em to your professors, whatever. And since you're probably not even reading all these words and just scrolled down to the pictures, ah, why did I even include this independent clause. Enjoy!
(02/05/14 4:59pm)
This goes out to all the homies who said we should be more like BuzzFeed. Yeah, ONE HUNDRED.
The Gobbler, their Thanksgiving shuffle button of a sandwich.
The music played over the speakers, from Stevie Wonder to Hall & Oates, is always perfect.
Open 24/7.
Their two convenient locations (one near Huntsman, one near VP.)
Hazelnut Coffee.
French Vanilla Coffee.
Packages of single condoms.
Those cash registers where the coins pop out the side.
Onomatopoeic name emphasises the primal need for Wawa experienced by infants.
Mac N' Cheese.
Touch screen machines where you can order without talking to a human.
No-surcharge ATMs.
Straws wrapped in paper for cleanliness.
All you can eat ketchup/mustard/salt/pepper.
The month of $1 coffee (January, but currently extended until 2/8!)
The Wawa Facebook page, where the comments are all gold.
The oatmeal.
Kona Blend coffee.
Individually wrapped pickles.
The adorable small old man Italian cashier.
That jazzy soda dispenser.
Festive holiday doughnuts.
"Frealz," the milkshake machine.
2 for $2.50 diet coke.
Chicken tender hoagies.
The public toilets in the renovated Wawa.
Two-packs of boiled eggs.
The iced coffee/high fructose corn syrup blend
The surprising amount of healthy options – carrots and celery, ya dig?
The caprese sandwich.
The tiny little cannolis with pre-packaged cannoli cream.
Mayonnaise.
Those pretzels at the cash register that cost 80 cents.
Blunt wrappers.
Waiting for food next to people you hooked up with the night before.
The section where they sell single slices of candy-themed ice cream pie.
The assortment of people you'll run into there on any given day, but especially on the weekends.
The feeling of accomplishment you feel when you hear a staff member say, ‘I’ve never seen that before!’
The glow you get when a certain staff member recognizes you.
The Penn Police that frequent Wawa know everyone in there is drunk, and they couldn't care less.
How there are two candy aisles 10 feet away from each other.
The fact that they sell Kool-Aid.
Their current V-Day display, because if there's one thing we'd want our lover to get us, it's a heart-shaped Reese's from Wawa.
The bananas.
You're never not in the mood for Wawa.
Cheddar cheese stuffed pretzels.
The fact that you can get "a little bit" of a condiment on your hoagie.
It has all the food you could ever want, whether sober or intoxicated.
Its "grocery" aisle.
How the cashiers are not fazed by ANYTHING, nor do they take any bullshit.
It epitomizes Philly.
They sponsor the fourth of July as if they literally own America.
The lemonade iced tea.
This truck being perpetually parked on 38th at Spruce.
Almost being killed/actually have been seriously injured crossing Spruce/38th by people turning.
They sell soup and tea for when you’re sick, and red cups for when you’re well again.
Wow, the coffee is so much cheaper than HubBub.
Beef Jerky.
Running into every freshman you know at 2am (Love the quad lyfe <3333).
When the f'real cups get stuck in the milkshake machine and you have to get an employee to help you out.
You can get chicken strips mixed into your mac n' cheese. They’ll do it for you so you don’t have to deal with the shame of doing it yourself.
Grapes and cheese.
They proudly sell copies of every possible Philly paper but you CANNOT get the New York Times there. Suck it, LAMESTREAM LIBERALS.
(Soggy) Quesadillas.
How are Wawa cheesesteaks? They’re probably ok, right?
The fake espresso drinks.
Pumpkin spice season applies to Wawa just as much as bourgois retailers.
Fresh-baked hoagie rolls.
The option to buy a day old hoagie roll by itself (for like 25 cents?).
Reliving your childhood with String Cheese.
The apples with caramel dip.
They have bagels with cream cheese and cucumber and tomato.
When you turn 18 in the fall of freshman year, it is the place to go buy a lotto ticket and cigar.
Their color scheme is basically brown red and yellow and somehow it works.
They sell ice in large bags labelled ICE in a large freezer labelled ICE.
Using a credit card to buy a $1 snack– they couldn't care less.
On the 4th of July they give away Wawa hats.
The entire shelf of artisanal nuts and dried fruits,
In the ‘60s their ad slogan was “Mama, I want my Wawa.”
On that note, have you seen all the great vintage Wawa commercials on YouTube?
Hot fries.
The sales on gum.
They sell pet food.
You can just kind of stand around and nobody yells at you.
44 oz fountain drinks for like $1.60.
Slushees.
It's the best place to force a conversation with someone while you’re both waiting for your sammies.
The donuts have the calories listed in really small font so you can choose to ignore them.
The randomly large assortment of granola / protein bars.
The hot dogs.
The fact that you can get always go get matches for free.
You can swipe your card at any point in the transaction instead of waiting until the end like a scrub.
The chicken caesar wraps.
The fact that the cold sandwich station in the middle of the Wawa on 38th and Spruce makes it easy to avoid people when they come in.
The fact that all the fruit and yogurt combos use bizarre, unorthodox fruit (apples or mango??).
They always have donation boxes out at the registers in support of various charitable causes.
BBQ chicken hoagie.
The fact that you can add bacon, pepperoni, or BOTH to the BBQ chicken hoagie with the click of a single button.
Actually, the fact that adding toppings to anything only takes pressing a single button.
How they don’t tell you what price your sandwich is until you pay for it so you’re forced not to be cheap and to listen to your heart.
(02/02/14 10:07pm)
You're not fooling anyone. We know your ass is only at that Super Bowl party for the wings. Lucky for you, UTB nixed the usual drinking game for the world's first Super Bowl EATING game. After all, why would you want to just get regular wasted when you can get pizza-wasted? Happy tweeting n eating!
Every time someone makes a reference to Washington and Colorado being pot states, smoke a super bowl. Puff, puff for every completed pass. Count the hash marks on the field. Did you know XLVIII actually stands for 420? Sorry, we're done.*
GoDaddy's commercial leaves you disgusted but also fascinated: slurp your drink really loudly in memory of this gem.
Something important happens and everyone is screaming and you have no idea what's going on: eat a chip. If you're busy with a mouth full of nacho cheese no one will notice you're a fraud.
Camera angle trickery fails and Bruno Mars' super-shortness becomes apparent: finish your slice.
Wardrobe malfunction: eat a red hot chili pepper.
Hit the brownies early when the guy you're hooking up with gets really into the game and forgets you exist.
Technical difficulties: fistful of Cheetos.
Aggressively crunch a Frito for every clever Doritos commercial.
Two handfuls of two kinds of chip for every fumble, double down if it was actually game-changing, quadruple down if it was during 4th down
Double-dip when everyone is too busy watching the game to notice.
Eat one of everything in the immediate vicinity for every commercial that makes you laugh-cry, two of everything if you cry-cry.
DO NOT EAT ANYTHING WHEN SOMEONE MENTIONS LAST YEAR'S BEYONCE PERFORMANCE OUT OF RESPECT FOR THE FALLEN.
Someone mentions homework: violently spit out whatever you're eating.
Touchdown: consume your entire weight in cheese.
*Peace, Love and Fling? Washington and Colorado in the Super Bowl? This is some sort of positive sign from the universe, right?
(01/28/14 4:51pm)
So cold that people from the Midwest have finally stopped bragging about not needing a jacket.
(12/06/13 3:10am)
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] You thought the Theos listserv was funny? Well even we can't believe this one... Oh Amy, we love ya, but don't you know that a public Google Group is a PUBLIC Google Group? Even goddesses make mistakes, but we couldn't help but take a few screenshots. Sorry AG, we're usually pretty forgiving, but your oversight is our exposé.
Read more after the jump!
(12/05/13 6:54pm)
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] The stress, the drugs, the late nights -- its almost finals season guys, and you deserve a release. Given the recent uptick in demand, librarians at Van Pelt have graciously given us the opportunity to go on a study date with Pamela Handerson. What used to be known as the Quick Print station is now to be called the Quick Jerk station. Distracted? Bored? Want to procrasturbate? Stop by and choke the chicken. Fiddle your flesh flute. Tickle the pickle. Wrestle the dragon. Fist your mister. Hold the sausage hostage. Whatever you want to call it, you now have 5 minutes to get 'er done in the computer lab on the first floor.
(12/05/13 2:51pm)
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] We thought we couldn’t get a better Hanukkah present than the totally unnecessary ice menorah outside VP. Boy, were we wrong. According to an email sent early this morning by Madame Presidente herself, the Quaker gods are reversing their cute decision to shorten reading days this semester. Unfortunately, the usually flawless Amy G didn’t seem to be on her Gmail game, since the message has gone to spam for most students. Not a big deal, since no one could possibly care about this sort of thing.
(12/02/13 4:27pm)
Finally you're back on campus, free from the plant-from-Jumanji-like grasp of your mom and dad, who say the darndest things. Lucky for you, UTB staff spent our Thanksgivukkah writing down every adorable/weird/creepy quote from mommas, grandpas and drunk uncles alike. Here they are, for your reading pleasure! Leave your most quotable relatives in the comments.
(11/19/13 7:09pm)
We know that you're probably tired of all of the comparisons between our beloved President and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: their charisma, their elegance, and their warmth. However, despite popular belief, there's been no documented meeting between these two in the Chasing Amy archives, so it couldn't have possibly happened. Dr. Will Smith's six degrees of separation is a theory that says everyone in the world is connected by six or fewer introductions, or something like that. Join us after the jump as we explore how these two socialites are connected (in a very spiritual sense of the word).
(11/19/13 4:25pm)
On November 19th, we take the time reflect on the precious moments we have in the presence of the goddess in the fiery red pantsuit. Sadly, these snippets of conversation are all too fleeting; we just never get to have the conversation we really need want. Here's what she would say if our wildest dreams came true. We would begin the list with "I Love You," but we don't want to be creepy. (All starred items are accompanied by a wink.)