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Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes

(09/14/21 12:48am)

Okay, before we get started I want it to be known that this isn’t a statement that I wanted to make. I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. But as we all know, toots have a mind of their own - and now I need to address mine. 


Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

(04/19/21 1:10am)

Penn Fraternity, Sigma Ligma Pau, made headlines this past Saturday following the implementation of their new philanthropy drive, 4 Lokos 4 Locals. Months of planning, fundraising, and 4 Loko taste testing resulted in one of the most tragic events to take place in Philadelphia in years. We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 




Ego of the Weak: Class Board

(03/03/21 12:48am)

Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Class Board, Penn’s favorite group of narcissists, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.


Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key

(02/23/21 4:35am)

Welcome to Ego of the Weak, a new weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For our first installment, we’re sitting down with Kite & Key, Penn’s Tour Guide Society, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.






5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation

(10/28/20 9:34am)

Listen up, queers. Last night was tough – not because it was another wasted wishing you were at Woody’s – but because Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the Supreme Court. It can be hard to believe that this noted girl boss doesn’t have a progressive track record. After all she is a woman! Like, what’s up with that? Anyways, it is pretty obvious gay rights are on the chopping block. Here are some helpful ways you can announce you’re going back in the closet to live your best authentic life as a straight person. 






Student Excited to be Back Making Direct Eye Contact with Self for 15-25 Hours a Week

(09/24/20 6:43pm)

After a disappointing spring term and a monotonous summer, Lily Garcia (C '23) was excited to get back to all of her classes this semester. The sophomore and PoliSci major was ready to get back onto her Zoom account that she first opened last March, and, through the platform, begin making direct and sustained eye contact with herself for 15-25 hours a week.




New COVID Guidelines Asking All Students to Return to Campus and Sit Very, Very Still

(08/02/20 5:03am)

University administrators released a statement to the Penn community this past Friday with an updated social compact for this fall’s on-campus programing. Despite unprecedented surges in COVID-19 cases this summer, the University is moving forward with their plans for an on-campus fall. Despite recommendations from epidemiologists for frequent and randomized testing, the school is moving forward with guidelines that, primarily, rest on a request for all students to, “sit very, very still.”


Amid Coronavirus, Penn Commits to Providing All Incoming Freshmen with Clinical Depression Come Fall 2020

(06/26/20 3:58pm)

Penn President Amy Gutmann, Provost Wendell Pritchett, and Executive Vice President Craig Carnaroli sent an email to the Penn community on Thursday announcing plans for a hybrid in-person and online model for academic programming in the upcoming semester. As part of the plan, Penn is committing to providing all incoming freshmen with clinical depression come fall 2020.





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