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Biden Made a Low-Profile Visit to Campus Yesterday, Not That You’re Ever Going to Meet Him Anyway

(04/11/18 10:58am)

Former Vice President—and now Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor at the University—Joe Biden made a low-profile visit to campus on Wednesday. Visiting to engage a group of students at the Annenberg School for Communications about effective campaign strategies, Biden snuck into the Walnut Street side door of Annenberg at 12:45 p.m. and was back in his car by 3. 

Thought Your Job Search Was Hard? Meet the Junior Who Won’t Add Anything to Your Company

(03/21/18 4:40pm)

Recent trends are clear: Millennials are not prepared for the workforce. More employers than ever are noticing that potential employees either have the technical training or the social capabilities for today's fast-paced work environment, but rarely both. Still, only the truly inept manage to have neither. Meet one of those guys.

'Please Be Gracious, We Have a Lot of Papers to Grade,' Says Professor Who Assigned 100 Pages of Reading, Take-home Midterm, and 2000-Word Essay

(03/14/18 5:33am)

Late Monday afternoon after concluding lecture, Professor Marjorie Tyler urged students to “be gracious,” as she had many papers to grade over the coming week.

Thank God! This Sophomore Definitively Ranked Penn’s Sororities to Make Up for His Tiny Penis

(02/22/18 8:40am)

On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.

Get You a Guy That Does Both! This Frat Brutally Tortures 18-Year-Olds in Their Basement but Also Donates to Susan G. Komen for the Cure

(02/26/18 4:29pm)

The Perfect Guy is hard to find. With social media creating an online idealized version of reality, many people have unrealistic expectations of their significant others. Women expect their significant others to be smart yet fun, funny yet loving, hot yet approachable, dangerous yet sensitive. For most women these ideals are near impossible to find, but for Penn ladies, today is their lucky day. The brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma, Beta Beta chapter, can do it all. Not only do they torture 18 year olds in their basement, but they also donate to the top-notch breast cancer advocacy and prevention organization, Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

'I’m so Excited to Witness History' Says Sophomore Fully Planning on Blacking Out at Parade

(02/08/18 11:25am)

On Thursday morning, Philadelphia will be abuzz in a way the city has never seen before. After 13 years since their last shot at the title, the Philadelphia Eagles have won the Super Bowl for the first time in the team's history. And following immense pressure from the student body, University of Pennsylvania president Amy Gutmann announced to the school on Tuesday that university operations would recess during the parade. Many students were excited for the day's festivities, but none more than Jess Pearson—who was both "excited to witness history" and also prepping to black out at the parade.

BREAKING: Katie Not Participating in Valentine’s Day Due to Its Dirty Eurocentric Capitalist Agenda and Also She's Single

(02/13/18 5:17pm)

After intense deliberation and thoughtful discourse, Katie Williams (C ’20) decided she would not participate in Valentine's Day this year. Her final decision was predicated mostly on the harmful and discriminatory history of the holiday, and also the fact that Katie is very much single so it doesn’t matter anyway.

'I’m a Tea Addict!' Laughs Sophomore Who Consumes an Average of Five Alcoholic Drinks a Day

(02/10/18 6:31pm)

There are two types of people in this world: those who drink coffee, and those who drink tea. Lauren Cohen (W '20) is 100% a tea girl. Cohen will drink tea at almost every meal. She will have tea with breakfast, tea after a three-course Italian dinner, and sometimes even a second tea to accompany the tea she is already drinking. Yes, Cohen is a full-on tea addict. Also, she consumes an average of five alcoholic drinks a day.

Amazing! Sophomore Managed to Run Through Every Embarrassing Moment in Her Life on Walk to 9 AM Spanish Class

(01/29/18 7:33am)

The skill and complexity of Penn students are often hard for those outside the Penn bubble to even begin to conceptualize. On a standard stroll down Locust Walk, you could meet an up-and-coming filmmaker who is also dedicated to community service, a talented vocalist who is also pre-med, or even a basketball star who is curing cancer. Although there are many talented Quakers, one of the standouts in this competitive and accomplished environment is Kaitlin Rogers (C '20) who is able to recall every single embarrassing moment in her life on her way to 9 am Spanish class.

Wow! Junior Who Clearly Hasn’t Done Readings Still Manages to Be Condescending in Seminar

(01/31/18 7:30pm)

Early Wednesday morning in the 10:30 am Urban Studies seminar ‘Affordable Housing in a Global City,' Brandon Schifrin accomplished a feat like no other. During a conversation on chapter four of the textbook focusing on affordable housing in Latin America, classmate Jenna Espinoza made an insightful comment about the ‘Juntos Nos Levantamos’ Housing project in Buenos Aires, Argentina.