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Thank God! This Sophomore Definitively Ranked Penn’s Sororities to Make Up for His Tiny Penis

(02/22/18 8:40am)

On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.


Get You a Guy That Does Both! This Frat Brutally Tortures 18-Year-Olds in Their Basement but Also Donates to Susan G. Komen for the Cure

(02/26/18 4:29pm)

The Perfect Guy is hard to find. With social media creating an online idealized version of reality, many people have unrealistic expectations of their significant others. Women expect their significant others to be smart yet fun, funny yet loving, hot yet approachable, dangerous yet sensitive. For most women these ideals are near impossible to find, but for Penn ladies, today is their lucky day. The brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma, Beta Beta chapter, can do it all. Not only do they torture 18 year olds in their basement, but they also donate to the top-notch breast cancer advocacy and prevention organization, Susan G. Komen for the Cure.



'I’m so Excited to Witness History' Says Sophomore Fully Planning on Blacking Out at Parade

(02/08/18 11:25am)

On Thursday morning, Philadelphia will be abuzz in a way the city has never seen before. After 13 years since their last shot at the title, the Philadelphia Eagles have won the Super Bowl for the first time in the team's history. And following immense pressure from the student body, University of Pennsylvania president Amy Gutmann announced to the school on Tuesday that university operations would recess during the parade. Many students were excited for the day's festivities, but none more than Jess Pearson—who was both "excited to witness history" and also prepping to black out at the parade.



BREAKING: Katie Not Participating in Valentine’s Day Due to Its Dirty Eurocentric Capitalist Agenda and Also She's Single

(02/13/18 5:17pm)

After intense deliberation and thoughtful discourse, Katie Williams (C ’20) decided she would not participate in Valentine's Day this year. Her final decision was predicated mostly on the harmful and discriminatory history of the holiday, and also the fact that Katie is very much single so it doesn’t matter anyway.


'I’m a Tea Addict!' Laughs Sophomore Who Consumes an Average of Five Alcoholic Drinks a Day

(02/10/18 6:31pm)

There are two types of people in this world: those who drink coffee, and those who drink tea. Lauren Cohen (W '20) is 100% a tea girl. Cohen will drink tea at almost every meal. She will have tea with breakfast, tea after a three-course Italian dinner, and sometimes even a second tea to accompany the tea she is already drinking. Yes, Cohen is a full-on tea addict. Also, she consumes an average of five alcoholic drinks a day.


Amazing! Sophomore Managed to Run Through Every Embarrassing Moment in Her Life on Walk to 9 AM Spanish Class

(01/29/18 7:33am)

The skill and complexity of Penn students are often hard for those outside the Penn bubble to even begin to conceptualize. On a standard stroll down Locust Walk, you could meet an up-and-coming filmmaker who is also dedicated to community service, a talented vocalist who is also pre-med, or even a basketball star who is curing cancer. Although there are many talented Quakers, one of the standouts in this competitive and accomplished environment is Kaitlin Rogers (C '20) who is able to recall every single embarrassing moment in her life on her way to 9 am Spanish class.


Wow! Junior Who Clearly Hasn’t Done Readings Still Manages to Be Condescending in Seminar

(01/31/18 7:30pm)

Early Wednesday morning in the 10:30 am Urban Studies seminar ‘Affordable Housing in a Global City,' Brandon Schifrin accomplished a feat like no other. During a conversation on chapter four of the textbook focusing on affordable housing in Latin America, classmate Jenna Espinoza made an insightful comment about the ‘Juntos Nos Levantamos’ Housing project in Buenos Aires, Argentina. 


PRESIDENTIAL: Sophomore’s Health 'Excellent' Despite Tater-Tot-And-Four-Loko-Only Diet

(01/19/18 6:12am)

After a heavy campaign from “the haters” and a long wait for answers, doctors from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania released Abby Johnson’s (E '20) full Medical Examination on Thursday afternoon. Contrasting popular belief, the exam confirmed that “Abby’s health is excellent,” despite her diet, made up exclusively of Tater-Tots and Four Lokos, and no record of physical activity in recent memory.



Freshman Doing Recruitment Not Planning on Pledging Sorority, Just Loves Small Talk

(01/13/18 6:22pm)

Walking around campus this past week, sorority rush stood out like a sore thumb. Droves of freshman and sophomore women were standing outside in the cold, waiting to be let into the sorority houses with the possibility of one day becoming a sister. The range of reasons as to what had brought each Ivy League student to the rain covered steps of these sorority houses varied greatly. For some it was the hopes of finding a bigger group of friends, for some it was the appeal of parties and a bigger social life, but for Abby Gallagher (C '21), it was small talk. Abby is obsessed with small talk.




How to Love Him Even After He Pronounces Jalapeño With a Hard J

(12/07/17 3:46pm)

Relationships are complicated and take work. The longer you stay with someone, the more you start to discover and dwell on their flaws. Just the other day, you went to grab tacos with your boyfriend for the first time. Here are 6 ways keep the love alive even after you realized he pronounces jalapeño with a hard J.


Breaking: Van Pelt Reconsidering Bag Check Policy After Discovering Bags With Multiple Pockets

(11/30/17 5:47am)

Earlier today, Thursday, November 30, at 10 am, UTB was informed by the Penn administration that they would be re-structuring the Van Pelt bag check policy. This news comes just days after a senior library staffer, Elizabeth Hurwitz, discovered the concept of bags with multiple pockets.





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