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After a heavy campaign from “the haters” and a long wait for answers, doctors from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania released Abby Johnson’s (E '20) full Medical Examination on Thursday afternoon. Contrasting popular belief, the exam confirmed that “Abby’s health is excellent,” despite her diet, made up exclusively of Tater-Tots and Four Lokos, and no record of physical activity in recent memory.
Hi my sweet shaina punem. You must be Esther’s granddaughter. Oh, you’re not? Do I know your grandmother? Oh, we’ve never met? Oh I’ve never met you? Or anyone in your family? Well, we’ll have to play canasta some time together won’t we. You’re so sweet. Isn’t she so sweet? Such a little sweetie.
Walking around campus this past week, sorority rush stood out like a sore thumb. Droves of freshman and sophomore women were standing outside in the cold, waiting to be let into the sorority houses with the possibility of one day becoming a sister. The range of reasons as to what had brought each Ivy League student to the rain covered steps of these sorority houses varied greatly. For some it was the hopes of finding a bigger group of friends, for some it was the appeal of parties and a bigger social life, but for Abby Gallagher (C '21), it was small talk. Abby is obsessed with small talk.
There’s no accomplishment that feels as good as studying incredibly hard for a final and then acing it! Amazingly, Alexandra Simons (C '21) felt that same pride, even after answering every question on her exam with "E) None of the above."
Real life Wonder Woman Sarah Richards has done it again. After a long night of partying with her girls, Richards managed to only rip one of her 5 inch hoops straight out of her ear in a bloody and gruesome mess.
Relationships are complicated and take work. The longer you stay with someone, the more you start to discover and dwell on their flaws. Just the other day, you went to grab tacos with your boyfriend for the first time. Here are 6 ways keep the love alive even after you realized he pronounces jalapeño with a hard J.
Earlier today, Thursday, November 30, at 10 am, UTB was informed by the Penn administration that they would be re-structuring the Van Pelt bag check policy. This news comes just days after a senior library staffer, Elizabeth Hurwitz, discovered the concept of bags with multiple pockets.
Real life heroes are never like how they appear in storybooks. In life, heroes don’t ride in on white horses to save the day. They aren’t perfect citizens who always make the right choice. Heroes are messy and they are complicated, but they are heroes nonetheless. College sophomore Lindsay Rosen is no exception. While she's a strong advocate for the environment in every personal conversation she ever engages in, Lindsay has a very weak grasp on how her exorbitant amounts of trash can be recycled.
Fall can be a ~chilly~ time of year, made even ~chillier~ when you inevitably find out the men you looked up to are actually sexual predators. Here are five giant scarves that will keep you cozy through the cold fall breeze, and put a super comfy Band-Aid on our societal injustices!
Joe Biden. To many, he is one of the most inspirational progressives of our time. He was the 47th vice president of the United States, and with President Obama led the country on a fight for an America that worked for all her citizens. He has devoted his life to public service, championing causes like health care reform, gun regulation, and women’s rights. I agree that he's amazing, which is why I just think it's funny that he is OBSESSED WITH ME.
While sitting at a table in the basement of Van Pelt on Monday afternoon, Madison Cooper came to a realization that felt so right, it was as if, deep down, she had known it her whole life.
With stronger storms like hurricane Harvey and Hurricane Maria occurring with increased frequency due to rising ocean temperatures, it is clear the threat of global warming is imminent. As President Trump and the Republican Party take a decidedly passive, if not regressive, stance toward environmental policy, America’s ability to help mitigate climate change has been left up to individual communities and actors.
Dear Soul Sister,
Friday afternoon, around a table at Sweetgreen, Kelsey Peters (C '18) finished telling a full saga about the day she and her family went to Germany to pick up her horse, Blue. Despite the clear ambivalence of her party, it was clear that Peters had no idea how unrelatable her story was.
Emily Johnston (C '19) recalls standing by the sink in a Huntsman bathroom when she heard the first flush. “I had just finished washing my hands when I heard the toilet do its thing. Thinking nothing of it, I went to get a paper towel,” Johnston said in an exclusive interview outside Steinberg-Dietrich Hall. “As I was about to get a paper towel, I heard it again. I don't often raise an eyebrow to the sound of two flushes, but I stood still for a second, waiting for the familiar sound of the opening stall door. I wanted to know who my bathroom companion was.” That was the moment she remembers everything changing.
Halloween is upon us, and, like you, the squad and I are here for it. Here are six Halloween costumes for the whole squad and Samantha’s boyfriend, because he’s probably going to be there too.
This past Wednesday, President Donald J. Trump again
referenced his Penn education in an effort to correct the
popular opinion that he is “a moron."
The leaves are changing colors, and a cool breeze has blown
in another round of exams at Penn; yes, it’s midterm season. Although many have
already taken multiple midterms, most students still have many more lined up on
the horizon, with some students wondering if the end is in sight. A new study
from the Penn Graduate School of Education, found that the end of this
stressful time might be later than some students planned.
A tale as old as time: you’re sitting in your first seminar for a new course and need to ask a question, but you stay silent because you don’t know how to address your professor. Should you call them Dr., Professor, or Mr. or Ms.? How do you pronounce their last name? Should you go with the classic “excuse me, Professor” or should you just yell “I have a question” into the void until your professor acknowledges you?
Holy shit guy, its been way too long! What has it been – two, three? What the fuck is up?