He now goes by Shaikh J.(Jamal) Al-Latif Jaabir

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania.

“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.” 

By seeing Biopond now, students can at least pretend to remember what it looks like when they get MERTed there later.

Was it cool, sure? Was it worth feeling like I was living in Netflix’s Don’t Look Up, not really?

A twist, a sniff, and a flush of red.

“I haven’t called someone out by their initials on Sidechat in almost three days! I think I’m going through withdrawal.”

Thank god.

In a time of growing campus unity, someone needed to remind the student body that love is the only answer. Obviously, that someone was me. 

Tears ran down my cheeks, yet my mind mustered no thought other than the fact that her breath smelled distinctly of freshly consumed Law-School-provided white claws.

WUCC announces "the next step in streamlining open communication between stakeholders and creating an optimal environment for connection in the romantic stratosphere."

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?

You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question: “What year are you?”

Yeah, I obviously feel bad, but seriously Uncle Chris…timing much?

Have fun, Quakers!

This year changed the game.

It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.

Have you ever wondered why the security guards at Van Pelt check your backpacks and don’t seem concerned with much else? 

As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight.