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OP-ED: You Couldn't Even Pay Me Gutmann's Salary to Finish My Writing Sem Homework

Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.


“So That’s Why I Didn’t Get Into Stanford” Says Every Single Penn Student

Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.


You're Welcome: Here Are 12 Free Sentences You Can Just Drop Right Into Your Essay

Don't worry about plagiarism or anything; you have my permission to just fling these into your work willy-nilly.


Nice! This Senior Has Nothing Lined up After Graduation but Is Okay with That Because His Lifestyle Permits Failure

The pressure from employed seniors doesn’t help. It’s reported that a gang of seniors — all of them headed to Goldman Sachs as analysts — raided the Saxby’s on 40th, throwing hot coffee at people, and uttering, “Employed yet, idiot?”


OP-ED: Scoot Squad, We Run These Streets

Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.


Valiant! This Junior Attended Mask and Wig’s “The Book of Mermen” Completely Sober

With a blood alcohol content of 0.00%, Joseph stepped through the doors of the Mask and Wig Clubhouse.


Sanitary! Student Announces He's Pre-Med Before Disinfecting Your Cut with Cheap Vodka

He subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds. 


Home Sweet Home! Freshmen Find the Housing of Their Dreams: The Dumpster Behind Tortas

“We were looking at HamCo for a long time because of all its amenities, but it was too expensive."


Meet the 4 Penn Juniors Who Are Reading Books for Fun Outside of Class

Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.


"This Should Be Easy," Says Professor Who Has Studied This Exact Topic for Decades

Esteemed chemistry professor Kenneth Bullion glossed over an entire section of notes, leaving already confused students utterly in the dark.


Life Tip! Name Your Child Steinberg-Dietrich If You Want Them to Have a Building That's Named After Them

It is hypothesized that if everyone were named Steinberg-Dietrich, the class system would collapse, as no one would be able to tell who the real Steiny-D is.


5 Snarky Comments Your Roommate Kevin Probably Makes as He Steals Your Toiletries

“Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”


Hey I Left My Juul in Ac Have You Seen It?

But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?


Innovative! Administration Uses Outdated Memes to Engage Students

Administration members are so excited to have stumbled upon this hidden gem of the digital age. Some were generous enough to share some of their thoughts.


OP-ED: Why Is It Called Morning Wood and Not Breakfast Sausage?

It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste.


OP-ED: God is Dead, and the Smell of This Man Next to Me in the Elevator Killed Him

My creator has surely abandoned me in this time of need, left me to float in the warm, sweat-scented air of this metal container, hurtling upwards towards what I hope will be my eventual demise.


UA Launches Fet Club, Offering 30 Days Of Kink Play For Seniors

Though details are still being finalized, likely events include a furries happy hour and a night at a BDSM club in Atlantic City.


OP-ED: I Want a Job for the Benefits, like Being Able to Tell My Mom I Have a Job

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.


Report: Some Students Actually Quite Happy

Despite the spine-breaking, sexless, and financially crippling nature of their existence, some students claimed to be, “Just fine,” “Grateful to be here,” and, even, “The best they’ve ever been.” 


Embarrassing: This Student JUST Discovered Go-Gurt

After his 503rd time running out the door to make his 9 a.m. recitation without having time to scarf down a quick yogurt, an idea came to him. What if there were a more portable yogurt?


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