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An Open Letter to the Person in the Stall Next to Me: Please Leave so I Can Shit, I Am Terrified

Don’t get me wrong. You seem super dope with your high-top converse and all, but this isn’t working out. 

Johnny Forgets Lucky Pen and All Knowledge at Home

"That’s the pen I used to ace the SATs!"

Penn Researchers Confirm Lonely Stoners Seem to Free Their Minds at Night

While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.

It’s Okay Bob, My Archeological Dig Last Summer Couldn’t Find Anything Either

I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together. 

OP-ED: Can We Do Your Place Tonight? I Have Crippling Depression so My Room Is Really Messy

haha i mean well yea my mental health isnt [100 emoji] at the moment u know

Louie Louie Booked Entirely by Freshman NSO Couples Celebrating Six Months

If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.

Mother Mary! St. Francis of Assisi Looks Confused at Friars Smoker

I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.

OP-ED: On St. Patrick's Day, Students from All Walks of Life Turned up to Support the Green New Deal

As I looked across campus, I couldn't miss the mass movement of students turning up in all shades of green, making their total commitment to a progressive Green New Deal heard loud and clear. 

Pledge Given Sock by Senior Brother, Is Finally Free

Universally known to be a “gigantic fuck-up,” giving a pledge a sock calls for his immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council.

Reminder: Advance Registration Closed Last Night

Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.

Sophomore Starts Gang Violence Rumor to Validate Uber Ride From Radian to Mixer

“I couldn’t walk there, I couldn’t have people judge me for Ubering, I couldn’t disrespect the boys of Beta Beta by not prioritizing their party.”

Meet Devin: My Baby Quaker Who Got a Contact High and Ate All of My Salami

I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.

Breaking: Freshman Boy Lost Virginity over Break to “a Girl from Home”

She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.

Frat Boy’s Facebook Party Description Awarded the BRO-Litzer Prize for Literature

The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications. 

Guy Who Listened to Classical Music While Studying Fails Exam with Smile and Peace of Mind

Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.

Frontera Is Closing, and of Course It Will Take Months

Frontera takes a month to make a sandwich, so really, all things considered, it's pretty impressive that they might be able to close entirely within just a few months. The scariest part about Frontera closing is that it's possible that they'll close before finishing someone's meal.

Wawa to Start Charging for Water, Entire Freshman Class Dies of Thirst

“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”

How Does She Do It? Meet the Girl Who Fit a Laptop and Three Beverages on a Penn Desk

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 

OP-ED: I Swear It Was a Deviated Septum. Dr. Blum Doesn’t Even Do Cosmetic Procedures.

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.

Innovative! This Girl Uses Google Calendar to Manage Her Dick Appointments

By optimizing my dick appointments, I not only have an incredible amount of sex but also have enough time to call dad at seven.