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Student with 6 Hour Layover Ready to Kill His Poly Sci Midterm After CNN Binge

UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead. 


Uh-Oh: Kyle Just Started a Sentence with "I'm Not Racist, But..."

Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.


OP-ED: I Want a Job Where I Can Give Back, Because I'm Not Qualified for All the Competitive Jobs

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.


Penn Records Achieves Largest Stamp Collection, Most Balls Juggled

The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.


"I Shit Scum like You," Says Penn Cop to Visiting High Schooler

During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer.


DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.


POP-ED: Hey Champ, How’s College? Your Mom and I Are so Proud of You. Call Us Sometime

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.


Don’t Feel Bad! Robert Mueller Needs an Extension on His Report Too

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?


Student Tour Guide Ditches Facts, Talks About the Time He Was Body-Slammed into a Concrete Frat House Patio

The Penn Admissions Office recently announced that student tours will no longer focus on facts and figures and instead place personal anecdotes at the forefront.


OP-ED: I Don't Know What Everyone Is Complaining About, I Love Living in the Quad

Ever since me and my 500 roommates moved in, everyone has been so welcoming.


Determined! Poly Sci Student Realizes His Analogy Is Trash, but Still Trucks on to Its Unsatisfying Conclusion

A light bulb went off in his head during a discussion about the U.S.’s decision to enter World War II.


Penn Administration Vows to Reject Bribery, Opts to Raise Own Salaries Again Instead

The University of Pennsylvania has made a promise to its students and staff that there will be zero tolerance for admissions officers and coaches who take bribes from the families of prospective students. Therefore, in an effort to combat the temptation of bribes, Penn has vowed to give its entire administration $500,000 raises.


Here’s What Farm Animal You Are, Based on the Amount of Oats You Eat

Oink oink, you fat little Porker! Why does little Porker eat so many Oat and leave so few? 


WHARTON RANKED BEST BUSINESS SCHOOL. WHARTON RANKEDK BEST HUSINESS SHCOOL. WHARTON RANKEBEST BUSINESS SCHOOL.

THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIAS WHARTON SCHOOL AWAS NAMED THE COUNTRY'S TOP FULLTIE MBA PROGRAM IN THE 2020 US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT'S ANNUAL RANKING.


OP-ED: Strega Nona Is Really That Bitch

When you examine the book closely, you can know this from the start.


Hashtag Dope! Even This Student's Vomit Is on Theme for St. Patty's Day!

Students dartied in their most festive gear, but no one came out stuntin’ harder than Wharton junior Derek Harthman.


Quiz: Is It a Fever Dream or a Flashback to the Atlantic City Feb Club Event?

Your jacket is taken from you by a bouncer, even though you do not have a real shirt on underneath. A: You grow a new jacket and (score!) it's made of cotton candy. B: You pretend you have a skin disease, and the bouncer begrudgingly returns your jacket to you.


Sad! This Junior Got Tapped for a Senior Society but Not One of the Cool Ones

"So cool I got tapped. Anyone know when Friar's emails go out though?"


President Gutmann Reveals That Ben Franklin and the Quaker Mascot Had an 'Intense' Sexual Relationship

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.


OP-ED: My Parents Pay My Rent, and I Expect Them To Continue Doing So

My parents pay my rent, and I see no indication that they will stop any time soon. They’re relieving a large financial burden on me, which allows me to fund my extremely expensive Ketamine habit. 


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