"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.

Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet. It has remained untouched for the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air.

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”