UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead. 

Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.

The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.

During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer.

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?

The Penn Admissions Office recently announced that student tours will no longer focus on facts and figures and instead place personal anecdotes at the forefront.

Ever since me and my 500 roommates moved in, everyone has been so welcoming.

A light bulb went off in his head during a discussion about the U.S.’s decision to enter World War II.

The University of Pennsylvania has made a promise to its students and staff that there will be zero tolerance for admissions officers and coaches who take bribes from the families of prospective students. Therefore, in an effort to combat the temptation of bribes, Penn has vowed to give its entire administration $500,000 raises.

Oink oink, you fat little Porker! Why does little Porker eat so many Oat and leave so few? 

THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIAS WHARTON SCHOOL AWAS NAMED THE COUNTRY'S TOP FULLTIE MBA PROGRAM IN THE 2020 US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT'S ANNUAL RANKING.

When you examine the book closely, you can know this from the start.

Students dartied in their most festive gear, but no one came out stuntin’ harder than Wharton junior Derek Harthman.

Your jacket is taken from you by a bouncer, even though you do not have a real shirt on underneath. A: You grow a new jacket and (score!) it's made of cotton candy. B: You pretend you have a skin disease, and the bouncer begrudgingly returns your jacket to you.

"So cool I got tapped. Anyone know when Friar's emails go out though?"

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.

My parents pay my rent, and I see no indication that they will stop any time soon. They’re relieving a large financial burden on me, which allows me to fund my extremely expensive Ketamine habit.