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Math Professor Nakia Rimmer’s Lecture Recordings Sweep Oscars

Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.


OP-ED: How One Game of Marry, Fuck, Kill Got Me a Job at Bain

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.


OP-ED: Yeah He’s Hot, but He Only Has Three Beer Bottles Lined up on His Shelf

They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?


Penn Admissions Officers Retire en Masse to Avoid 10 Years of Reading Oscar Hopefuls’ Essays

We’ll probably have to close Engineering and Nursing and just dump the endowment on Cinema Studies.


English Major to Graduate Having Read First 10 Pages of Hundreds of Great Books

For the rest of his life, Patrice’s degree in English will be a signal to all that he is a well-read man of letters, capable of discussing a wide range of literature in detail.


OP-ED: I Could Also Win an Oscar If I Tried, I’m Just Kind of Busy Rn

"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"


Impressive: This Junior Is Somehow Only in One Club

Surprisingly, Beth not only has a social life without 4 clubs scheduling her entire weekend, but she also has more time for the almost extinct practices of "exploring the city" and "exercising."


OP-ED: I Got into Penn Once, and I’m Pretty Sure I Could Do It Again (If I Applied Early)

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.


Professor with Stand up Comedy Ambitions Tests Material on Captive Class

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.


Fraternity Plans Spring Break Trip to Southeast Asia to ‘Find Themselves’

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.


Student Unsure of How Much Detail of Gastrointestinal Distress to Include in Extension Request

There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.


Greasy Student on Outermost Seat Effectively Claims Entire Lecture Row as Territory

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.


Annenberg Running Club Catches Infamous Drug Lord in Serbia

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”


BREAKING: Sophomore Sells Hair on Dark Web to Afford Big/Little Week

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.


"Guess I Can't Intern at Amazon Now," Says Student with No Previous Chance of Interning at Amazon

As of last week, Amazon pulled out of their HQ2 plans for Queens, closing off anticipated job opportunities for many. So, basically, as of last week, senior Whartonite Jeremy Anders’ life was ruined.


Student Shocked to Find Annoying Kid Making Loud Comments in Lecture Recording Is Himself

Earlier that day, he sat down to speed watch his lecture for his exam only to find it loudly interrupted periodically by a side conversation of two boys in the back.


OP-ED: I Enter Upper Quad Just to SABS My Way down to Baby Quad

My destination? The womb of this campus: baby quad.


My God, How Did This Happen?! Says Senior After Seven Hours in CVS

“I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 


“I Don’t Talk About My Pulitzer a Lot,” Says Professor 5 Minutes into First Class

Five minutes into the first class, he could already tell what was on students' minds — that they were in a class with a professor who won a Pulitzer back in ‘82.


OP-ED: Add the Quaker to Smash Bros, You Cowards

I know what you’re thinking: it’s going to be hard to keep the game balanced when adding such an immensely powerful character.


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