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Boring Stat Professor Fails to Reject the Dull Hypothesis

Look, the joke is in the title. I really don't have that much to say about this. I came up with this while bored in STAT-102. It's not even the professor's fault, he's actually a fairly engaging lecturer. Does that compromise the premise of this article? Maybe.


Stinky Pig Girl (Me) Loves to Eat From Trough

I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim. 


Amy Gutmann Completely Independently Chooses to Divest from Coal and Tar Sands

In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.


Wellness Win: Penn to Remove Mirrors From Van Pelt

"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."


"Do You Want to Join Our Rodin Suite?" Asks Roommate Who Can't Count Above 4

 “And we will all fit in the suite too. I know three is bigger than four, so two threes should be bigger than three. Four is bigger than three, so the math works out.” 


Period End of Sentence Wins Oscar Again Because, ‘So Good’

In a historic first, Period. End of Sentence. has won an Oscar for the second year in a row, with the Academy recognizing the movie as, “so good.”


OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?

But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.


Year of the Rat Celebration Going Down 24/7 in the VP Basement

That’s right. Those grimey little rat boys are getting down and dirty at all hours of the day and night.


Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs

College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.


Louie Louie Newie! Ooey Gooey Chewy Ratatouille!

Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.


OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?

 Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty. 


Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide

Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.


Exposé: 34th Street Offices Actually on 40th

My personal faith in our media institutions have been shaken- what's next, The Statesman not actually having any of the respectability or basic moral decency that such a title invokes? Absolutely unthinkable.


To My Roommate Who Keeps Making Milkshakes at 3 A.M.

You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.


Perry World House to Invite Non-white War Criminals for Once

Another leap forward for diversity! In an attempt to respond to students’ demand for equality, Perry World House announced its new initiative to invite war criminals of all colors to come speak and defend their infringement on human rights.


Feeling Depressed? Here’s Why You Should Feel Guilty About That

Have you been feeling hopeless, panicked, or uncontrollably sad? Well, rather than seeking help or telling yourself that you are loved and have lots to look forward to, there are several reasons why you should actually feel guilty about your depression, even though it is an illness you are not at fault for.


Editorial by Kasra | Hi, I'd Like to Add You to My Professional Network

Just wanted to reach out to offer you a formal invitation to join an exclusive club. Like, this is super legit. No no no, not Friars. I'm inviting you to join... my professional network.


Snickering Group of Penn Professors Admit They Made Math Up For April Fools 1981

“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”


Quiz: Which Under the Button Writers Should Get Some Help Right Now?

Our die-hard fans know — sometimes, UTB writers seem very sad and not ok. Our fans are not wrong! Some of our writers should get some help right now. 


Quiz: Do You Know Your iCloud Password?

Uh oh! You've been logged out of your iCloud account. But no worries — of course you know your password. Or do you? Take this quiz to find out!


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