Most Recent
OP-ED: Halloween is Unnecessary, We Already Constantly Live in Fear
Sure, ghosts, zombies and vampires are scary, but wouldn’t we rather face poltergeists and the undead than face loneliness, ostracization, apathy, and disappointed parents?
I Paid My Tuition Bill and Now the Dean Has a Fresh Fade
Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy?
You Might Remember Us: We Went to Frat Thing, Who Cares?
We are the ones who put our groupmates to shame with an unprecedented number of Instagram story views last Wednesday evening.
High-Rise Mice, Rats Complain of Student Infestation
“Oh, they’re terribly uncouth, I feel I must say,” said Alfred IV, a mouse from Harnwell, where his family has reigned for centuries.
Penn Launches Campus-Wide Intercom System To Announce Commons Specials Every Morning
Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius.
Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?
Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project.
Thank God! Heat Turned On in Dorms When Temperature Reaches a Nippy 70 Degrees
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Student With No Depression Exhibits Stellar Executive Function
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place
Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.
OP-ED: I Express My Gender Identity Through My Pussy Hat Pink Umbrella
I am Girl.
OP-ED: My Ethnic Nose is Carrying This Diversity Initiative
Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.
I Lived It: My Roommate Boiled Her Menstrual Cup in My Electric Kettle
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few pairs of Thinx period panties in my drawer, but this was too far.
Counterpoints: "Penn Must Contend with its Complicated Legacy of Displacement" vs. "Sucks to Suck, That's the Free Market"
Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy.
10 Places to Perform Queer Longing After Your Situationship Moves Onto the Next Artsy Gay Pennsylvanian
I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least.
What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?
SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold.
Victory! Company Gentrifying McDonald’s Is Owned by Women and Minority
“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.
Tsk Tsk! Girl Wears Dr. Martens Without Platforms
Is this what the democratic ideals of our nation have led to?
Startup Ambassadors Ditch Insomnia Cookies, Now Offer Toothy, Egregious Head if You Download Their App
Nearly 3000 of my current suitors flocked to witness me; I felt like that girl who sings a lot in Les Mis (I have never seen this movie).
Proposed Biopond Expansion Delayed Due to Lack of Portable, Ready-Made Biopond Cubes At Home Depot
Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond?
Report: Desserts Such as Bread Pudding
I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.