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Valiant! This Junior Attended Mask and Wig’s “The Book of Mermen” Completely Sober

With a blood alcohol content of 0.00%, Joseph stepped through the doors of the Mask and Wig Clubhouse.


Sanitary! Student Announces He's Pre-Med Before Disinfecting Your Cut with Cheap Vodka

He subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds. 


Home Sweet Home! Freshmen Find the Housing of Their Dreams: The Dumpster Behind Tortas

“We were looking at HamCo for a long time because of all its amenities, but it was too expensive."


Meet the 4 Penn Juniors Who Are Reading Books for Fun Outside of Class

Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.


"This Should Be Easy," Says Professor Who Has Studied This Exact Topic for Decades

Esteemed chemistry professor Kenneth Bullion glossed over an entire section of notes, leaving already confused students utterly in the dark.


Life Tip! Name Your Child Steinberg-Dietrich If You Want Them to Have a Building That's Named After Them

It is hypothesized that if everyone were named Steinberg-Dietrich, the class system would collapse, as no one would be able to tell who the real Steiny-D is.


5 Snarky Comments Your Roommate Kevin Probably Makes as He Steals Your Toiletries

“Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”


Hey I Left My Juul in Ac Have You Seen It?

But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?


Innovative! Administration Uses Outdated Memes to Engage Students

Administration members are so excited to have stumbled upon this hidden gem of the digital age. Some were generous enough to share some of their thoughts.


OP-ED: Why Is It Called Morning Wood and Not Breakfast Sausage?

It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste.


OP-ED: God is Dead, and the Smell of This Man Next to Me in the Elevator Killed Him

My creator has surely abandoned me in this time of need, left me to float in the warm, sweat-scented air of this metal container, hurtling upwards towards what I hope will be my eventual demise.


UA Launches Fet Club, Offering 30 Days Of Kink Play For Seniors

Though details are still being finalized, likely events include a furries happy hour and a night at a BDSM club in Atlantic City.


OP-ED: I Want a Job for the Benefits, like Being Able to Tell My Mom I Have a Job

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.


Report: Some Students Actually Quite Happy

Despite the spine-breaking, sexless, and financially crippling nature of their existence, some students claimed to be, “Just fine,” “Grateful to be here,” and, even, “The best they’ve ever been.” 


Embarrassing: This Student JUST Discovered Go-Gurt

After his 503rd time running out the door to make his 9 a.m. recitation without having time to scarf down a quick yogurt, an idea came to him. What if there were a more portable yogurt?


Spring Break Group Who Forgot to Plan Trip Ahead Arrives at Fifth Museum of the Day

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.


Weird: Kevin is Going Home for Spring Break and He's Not Even Poor

Kevin isn't poor. I mean, I've met his parents. His dad is kind of ugly and his mom is hot, so yeah, I bet he's rich.


Justice for All: Frats on Campus Collectively Denounce Wharton China Business Society Amid Hazing Ban

In response to the news, Penn’s Interfraternity Council members, representatives from fraternities across campus, released a joint statement denouncing WCBS’s blatant disregard for students’ mental and physical wellbeing.


Trump-Kim Summit Breaks down After Refusal to Budge on Issue of Khloe as New Bachelorette

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”


Amazing! This Chem Student Inadvertently Learned Metric Conversions by Dealing Ganj

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.


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