Have you ever wondered why the security guards at Van Pelt check your backpacks and don’t seem concerned with much else? 

As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight. 

An anonymous source has leaked that the one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky was the winner.

I’ve been thinking about how to make Big-Little Week more about me, and I finally realized my very close personal connection to the various sisterhoods across campus.

 I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”

Free yourself. 

Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are!

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.

Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...

I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow!

“I’m interested in the metaverse. I’m excited for it as someone broadly interested in technology. But no I didn’t buy it for VR Porn”

Though Penn Global Seminar courses have deceptively claimed to broaden horizons and deepen cross-cultural understanding, OFSL’s new initiative clarifies that their true purpose is to provide “feel-good” service opportunities.

While you have heard compelling arguments supporting Israel and Palestine from experts at the top of their fields, (socialist girls and frat guys who have taken one poly sci class) breaking news shows that there is new information regarding the conflict. 

Girl, are you a jawn?

I’d rather listen to my dentist perform a root canal using some rusty drill

Have your eyes been opened to the truth?

Penn will also extend special status to applicants whose parents were avid coke users throughout their time at Penn.

‘you’re so hot! You’re the most professional girl in the world!’ 

Not a thing in the world compares to the love of two sisters.

Huntsman is no stranger to diversity, boasting several years of global ambassadorship under his belt and more impressively and relevantly, an LDS mission to Taiwan