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OP-ED: Who Needs Dean's List When You Have Craigslist?

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.


Oh No! Melanie Failed Her Coronavirus Test

After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"  


Student Quarantining in Multi-Million Dollar Home “Just Can’t Do It Anymore”

“I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%. 


Black Hole Discovered on Penn Campus: Student Financial Services

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.


Thrilling! You Have Under 60 Minutes to Complete, Check, Scan, Email, Upload, and Submit Midterm

The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.


Anti Vaxxers Weigh In: Let’s Throw Measles Back Into the Mix!

But look. I think we can do even better. Why would we stop at one wildly dangerous, devastating illness when we could do more?


'Our Students Are First-Generation, Low-Income, and Obscenely Privileged, Too,' Says Amy Gutmann

We call on the great silent majority, the privileged students of Penn: Be loud. Be proud. Never forget that you, above everyone else, matter.


Uh Oh! TA Now Twitch Streaming Recitations, Wants to Know "What's up, Gamers"

Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.  


Poly Sci Professor Once Again Vowing to Release Lectures On-Time Next Week

 The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is. 


Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. 


Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.


Report: Yup, Bedroom Ceiling Still Looks the Same

Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.


Student Jet Lagged After Huge Trip Taking out Trash

He opened the door and faced the harshness of the elements. It was a sunny day, 78 degrees, and the sun was blinding. Was this God’s punishment? Indeed. 


Dad Buys 9-cubic Feet Freezer and Potatoes 'Just in Case'

 “Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”  


Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”



Five Quarantine Activities That Are All Just Reading the Bible

TAKE THIS TIME TO COME CLOSER HIM, TO FIND HIS SALVATION. 


Feeling a Little Down? You Deserve It.

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President’s Engagement Prize Awarding $250,000 To Anyone Looking to Try Something Out in West Philly

Although the participants candidly admitted they could not predict the future of their projects, they all felt this experience would have long term and sustainable impacts on how they approach their work once they begin as consultants for McKinsey.


Figments of Our Collective Imagination: Amy Gutmann As a Mythological Symbol of the American Dream

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.


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