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Resourceful: Guy Puts Meme in Presentation to Mask Own Unpreparedness

Last Tuesday, certified class clown Brian Cobb (C ‘22) inserted a hilarious meme into his English presentation. His fellow students, who came in expecting a serious analysis of the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, were nonetheless impressed with Cobb’s resourcefulness.


Breaking: Old White Man in DP Comments Section Has Solution to Curing Democracy of All Corruption!

Thompson has said that he will continue his good work, keeping our democracy clean and pure by commenting on burgeoning journalists posts with “WRONG!” and “lame.” 


Residential Services Tries to Sublet Entire Quad for Summer

Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.


Oops! Junior Misses Hey Day, Has to Repeat College

Per university policy, Kroll was immediately re-enrolled as a freshman. A College Office staffer commented that “the administration believes Hey Day is so irrevocably entwined with the Junior Experience™ that any student who misses it can hardly be allowed to be called a Penn student at all.”


Sad! This Boy Hasn't Gotten a Notification on His Phone All Class

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.


Not Again! Getting in WilCaf Line at 10:59 Makes Sarah Late to Class Again

Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?! 


Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 


RESULTS: Penn Individual Student Survey

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.


Clever! Senior Redacts 65% of Final Paper

That’s why, when it came time to submit his final report for PSCI 237 (The Science of Why Political Science Is a Science, We Swear), Moller knew that he had to do something creative. His report was a mess, and there was no time to edit.


Cinema Studies Department Cancels Classes in Anticipation of Game of Thrones Aftermath

Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.


Soundworks Tap Factory Really Bad at Hide and Seek

In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities. 


"Math Is Beautiful," Says Not-So-Beautiful Nerd

Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.


Spring Has Sprung! Jack Broke out His Birkenstocks and Now We Get to See His Toes Everyday

After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.


Visiting Lecturer, The Boss Baby to Teach MGMT 248 in the Fall

Demand for the class is expected to be very high. Wharton sophomore Charlie Kurtis-Thompson said “I heard rumors Alec Baldwin will make a regular appearance.” 


After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing

Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.


Now That Lent Is Over, Junior Excited to Rail Cocaine off of His Roommate's Ass Again

He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.


UTB's New Penn 10: Here's Penn's 10 Worst Students

In an interview, Fiorentino revealed how she fell from grace to become Penn's most notorious failure. She reported having spent her senior year religiously adhering to astrology, seeking Twitter fame, listening to Elton John's Crocodile Rock on a loop, and contemplating going blonde (even though she tried it in high school once and "it went horribly").


Penn Prof. Joe Biden Takes Official Leave From Doing Nothing to Run for President

Between his biannual speaking events with Dr. Gutmann and literally nothing else, the former Vice President of the United States will be walking away from a major role at the University as he sets his sights on the Oval Office. 


Freshman Still Without Summer Internship Officially up for Adoption

There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.


Breaking: Joe Biden Declares Presidential Bid, Would Be First Penn Alum to Hold Position

The monumental opportunity this provides for the school cannot be understated. Of the Ivy League schools, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Columbia all have associations with previous presidents. Biden’s candidacy represents the opportunity for Penn to join the ranks of these other Ivy League schools. 


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