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Boring Stat Professor Fails to Reject the Dull Hypothesis

Look, the joke is in the title. I really don't have that much to say about this. I came up with this while bored in STAT-102. It's not even the professor's fault, he's actually a fairly engaging lecturer. Does that compromise the premise of this article? Maybe.

Amy Gutmann Completely Independently Chooses to Divest from Coal and Tar Sands

In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.

Wellness Win: Penn to Remove Mirrors From Van Pelt

"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."

"Do You Want to Join Our Rodin Suite?" Asks Roommate Who Can't Count Above 4

 “And we will all fit in the suite too. I know three is bigger than four, so two threes should be bigger than three. Four is bigger than three, so the math works out.” 

Period End of Sentence Wins Oscar Again Because, ‘So Good’

In a historic first, Period. End of Sentence. has won an Oscar for the second year in a row, with the Academy recognizing the movie as, “so good.”

Year of the Rat Celebration Going Down 24/7 in the VP Basement

That’s right. Those grimey little rat boys are getting down and dirty at all hours of the day and night.

Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs

College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.

Louie Louie Newie! Ooey Gooey Chewy Ratatouille!

Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.

OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?

 Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty. 

Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide

Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.

Exposé: 34th Street Offices Actually on 40th

My personal faith in our media institutions have been shaken- what's next, The Statesman not actually having any of the respectability or basic moral decency that such a title invokes? Absolutely unthinkable.

Perry World House to Invite Non-white War Criminals for Once

Another leap forward for diversity! In an attempt to respond to students’ demand for equality, Perry World House announced its new initiative to invite war criminals of all colors to come speak and defend their infringement on human rights.

Snickering Group of Penn Professors Admit They Made Math Up For April Fools 1981

“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”

Quiz: Which Under the Button Writers Should Get Some Help Right Now?

Our die-hard fans know — sometimes, UTB writers seem very sad and not ok. Our fans are not wrong! Some of our writers should get some help right now. 

BREAKING: West and Down Closed Permanently Following Failed Vibe Check

The sick, twisted minds behind West and Down will be moving their establishment to an abandoned fish factory in Croatia. The owners said, “We are really excited about the new direction of West and Down, and we know our business model will flourish at Skuša-Šnjur Tvornica.”

Friends Concerned Kelsey not Drinking Enough Alcohol

“Kelsey just drinks a frighteningly small amount,” said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous.

BREAKING: Penn Finally Brings Down the IAA, the Only Group on Campus That Does Hazing of Any Kind

The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.”

BREAKING: Penn Biden Center Endorses Bernie Sanders For President

“It ultimately came down to us endorsing a candidate we thought could stay awake during a Congressional hearing,” the Center wrote in a statement. “Mr. Biden isn’t senile… but he’s not not senile.” 

Sad! This Senior Missed the Deadline to Add Friends

She needed to drop all her old friends before she could add the new ones because they just wouldn’t fit together. Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as her plan was, it was doomed to fail. Homstaller was not paying enough attention to the add deadline and ended up dropping all of her friends just before the deadline passed.

How Faithful! Roommate Prays “Oh God, Yes” and Claps Softly In Bed

I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.