A record number of inexperienced, unknowledgeable students are participating in on-campus recruitment for top consulting firms, positions that would pay them for their experience and knowledge. Michael Burke (E ’19) completed a second round interview with Boston Consulting Group. “I’m interested in consulting because you get to use your expertise to help companies solve their problems,” Michael said. “It’s cool because I am not an expert in anything and I’ve never solved a single problem, but they’ll still pay me to do that.”

Kevin Jeffress (E ’22) was off to a hot start at Penn. He had a seamless move-in experience, an unforgettable NSO, and managed to go to Pottruck every single morning for close to a month. Everything changed, however, the moment Jeffress stepped on the Compass en route to the Upper Quad Gate. Six hours later, he fell victim to a Math 114 midterm. 

To pursue their mission of promoting a positive club culture on campus, the Undergraduate Assembly and Student Activities Council have partnered to release a set of guidelines on having pizza at club GBMs. The exhaustive rules cover the particularities of which pizza stores are recommended, which toppings are acceptable, and which utensils are necessary for serving pizza.

College sophomore Alexis Tremblay was woken up by natural light peaking through her blinds.  She looked out her window, saw the blue sky and swaying trees, and thought, “Wow. I’m lucky to be here at Penn.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited to take on this day.”

It started out just like how every group photo does: two ladies taking a photo. Then a third woman inserts herself into the shot. A few more weasel themselves into the growing crowd. Then naturally Brooke thinks to herself, “hey, if Melissa’s in this picture, then why the hell am I standing on the sideline?”

Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.

In a landmark study, Penn researchers have determined that your neighbor from freshman year who spontaneously erupted with selections from Les Miserables and Fiddler sucks.

When Jamie Chen’s (C ‘22) high school friends told her that grades weren’t a substitute for a personality, she took it as a challenge. Set to enter Penn with a perfect transcript, Chen noticed something horrifically disturbing about the University’s grading policy.

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.

The days of partially-nude headshots are over. Thanks to a recent LinkedIn update, you can no longer annoy that one friend with a fancy camera to snap 60 identical photos of you outside Huntsman in your best blazer while completely naked from the waist down.

Missing our OG Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor? Desperately need to check out another downtown on a Tuesday night? Well, you're in luck. Details below:

Last week College junior Emma Bentley received news that she would not be invited to join the Penn Ikea Furniture Building Club. “I’ve always been a passionate builder—no—assembler. It was time to take the next step and move beyond my solo work,” said Bentley.

Midterm season is upon us, but there’s a way out—take a close look at that syllabus. “Students may schedule a makeup midterm if they are sick on exam day.” But how are you going to get sick by Monday? With that, here are Under the Button’s top five tastiest doorknobs for the 2018-19 academic year.

Did Vineyard Vines run out of salmon colored shorts? No! This libertarian just wanted to swim against the current for a change. Michael Hansel (C ‘22) was a trout in a sea of salmon last Tuesday, a bold choice at such a critical time of year.

Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”

When Brian Dunham (C ’20) wore a suit for an info session on Monday, he was expecting everyone to compliment him for dressing up. Instead, he was asked 60 dozen times why he was wearing a suit.

It was Thursday night and Lisa (C '21) and her friends were standing in line outside Smokey Joe’s, memorizing the addresses on their ID’s. “This better work,” she said, knowing full well that it probably would not work. “We don’t have any other moves tonight.”

Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.  Well, actually, feelings for him isn’t entirely accurate—that is, if he doesn’t want anything serious with her. She’s “chill” and “down for whatever,” a source close to Talluto reveals.  

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read.