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News


Study: 99% of Freshman Year Trauma Unearthed at the Feb Club First Toast

Reasons participants cited for experiencing trauma included seeing freshman year hookups, roommates, and former friends they’ve avoided eye contact with over the past few years.


Junior Snags Coveted NYC Alleyway for Summer Housing

Trash pickup is conveniently close, utilities are free, and pets are not only allowed but also included with the lease.


Poser Alert: This Dude Rocking Vans Doesn't Even Listen To Tame Impala

Penn students are known for being pretty lame in the grand scheme of things, so it’s absolutely shocking to see a certified skater boi show his face on campus.


All Penn Advising to be Replaced by Microsoft Word's 'Clippy' Assistant

Perhaps the most advanced feature of the new advising system is seamless integration with Pennintouch.


Depressed Engineers Insist That Easy Majors Are for ‘Idiots’

Bryant believes that “all urban studies majors got accepted due to clerical errors.”


Penn Mourns Girl Swallowed By Own Humongous Scarf

Witnesses report that the scarf began slowly inching its way up, enveloping her neck, then face, and soon her entire head. 


Philanthropy Win! This Frat Just Donated the Jacket You Lost at their Party to Charity

That sweet new body-bag you just got for Christmas was tossed into a HeavyDuty trash bag, driven out to the Main Line, and put in a donation bin. Try getting it now!


Uh Oh! Your Math TA Is in One of Your Other Classes and He Sounds Dumb as Fuck

As you turned around to see which dumbass made such an inane statement, you saw Daniel with a confident smile plastered on his face. 


Wellness Win! Stress Is Not The Enemy, as Long as You Don’t Stress About It!

I now save all of the homework for my seven classes for the night it's due! And when I can't finish it all in 45 minutes, I tell myself it's because I'm naturally bad at math, and I will never be as good as the other engineers!


Brave: This Student Turned Tomorrow's Meal Prep into Tonight's Late Night Snack

She managed to make her meal prepped food last only 1.5 hours after cooking it. 


Penn Bacteria Club to Hold Monthly GBMs at Concourse Dance Bar

All meetings and conferences held by PBC will take place in the Concourse ball pit.


Scalding Take: Tristan Thinks Israel and Palestine Should Reach a Two-State Solution

Two groups want a chunk of land. Draw a line down the middle. Each group gets half. Bada bing bada boom.


In Photos: Expanded Green Spaces on Campus (Thanks Amy!)

UTB was told by construction officials that they have begun the search for new green spaces! That excavator is digging away, searching for that sweet, sweet green that lies just beneath High Rise Field.


“Works Every Time”: Chief Wellness Officer Suggests Microdosing Parental Affection

 I am here to tell you all that familial affection is all you need to feel good.


Group of Penn Geologists Discover Massive Underground Cave System in Minecraft

The group's biggest concerns are griefers, hackers, and creepers. But so far, so good. 


Short King! This Girl Is Taking E.T. to Her Date Night

She fell for him freshman year when she saw him riding down Spruce in a children's bike basket.


Religious Studies Professor Discovers God Made Eve to Improve Adam’s Ratio

Adam doth wanted to go to a Snakes fraternity party, but the bro at the front door was all like, ‘thou shalt take a lap and come back with ye woman because the ratio inside’s fucked.


Smash Success 'You' Credited for 70% Rise in Introverted Boys' Ability to Get Dates for Valentine's Day

This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.


Girl with New Glossier Products Excited to Redefine Herself This Semester as 'Dewy'

She’s going to be so moist all the time. Her youthful glow is going to figuratively, and maybe even literally, deflect any and all crusty objects that attempt to penetrate her sweet, slippery face. 


Genius: Wharton Grads' Startup Is the Warby Parker of Fingerless Gloves

"There are countless people in the world who need the warmth of a glove but demand the agility of bare fingers. When you buy a pair of Dexter Gloves, you'll know that you're helping someone else be able to play the guitar or use a touch screen in moderately cold weather."


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