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News


REPORT: COVID Spit Tests Longer Than 20 Seconds Indicate Head Game Weak

“It’s important that we know all we can about COVID,” said the lead researcher, “And even more important that we have an objective metric to determine who gives the best sloppy toppy.” 


Finally! Penn Dedicates Unimaginable Sums of Money to Some Ill-defined, Abstract Goal

 “We have a lot of money, and we will use it,” Director of Money Julia Stevenson proclaimed in her statement.


Architecture Student Fatally Misunderstands "Flipped Classroom"

Chan had spent the night unbolting all tables and chairs from the floor, hoisting them up, and rebolting them to the ceiling. u00a0


How To Gentrify Your Roommate’s Side of the Room

Rent her bed out to your much wealthier, whiter Drexel friends.


Misogynist? This Male Professor Assigns Female Students Homework

We have to draw a line somewhere.


Woah! Guy Wearing Shirt with Garish, Unique Pattern

An abstract take on polkadot? A paisley messiah?


Oh Gosh: Frat Boy Unsure Whether it’s Demeaning to say ‘Woman’

If you could spare a moment and explain everything ever to me, that’d be awesome.



Mask and Wig to Accept Women, Only if They're Hot Though

Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.


Climate Week: Residential Halls Replace Toilet Paper With Sandpaper to See if Anyone Notices

Yes, it's good for the environment. Who needs beaches anyway?


Emotional! White Frat Boy From Connecticut Admits That He Resonates Deeply With Kendrick Lamar’s Hit Song “M.A.A.D. City”

"Lamar talks about growing up and seeing what gang life does to a person - one time, I saw a homeless man outside of the Whole Foods I go to everyday after practice for sushi."


Student Unfortunately Cannot Locate G-Spot West

It probably doesn’t actually exist. 


Student Secures Boyfriend to Connect Laptop to AirPennNet

It has since been revealed that Newark, set to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Neuroscience next spring, has been using AirPennNet–Guest on her various tablets since NSO freshman year. 


Facing Pressure from Divestment Activists, Penn Unveils Second Climate Week

It's no divesting from fossil fuels, but it's a pretty close second.


Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.


Aw Shucks! Girl Next to You in Lecture Browsing Penn InTouch

She is free and you are not. What are you going to do?


REPORT: Kelly Writers' House Found to Be Even More Erotic Than Berlin Sex Clubs

Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs. 


FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge

Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna? 


Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House

This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House. 


Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”


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