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Frat Innovates Sticky Floorboards into Human Glue-Trap

 “We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project.  The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances. 

BREAKING: Dumpster Fire Breaks Out In My Brain

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.

For Every Goose Canada Goose Kills They Vow to Plant a New One

Canada Goose hopes this will contribute to both stopping climate change and the bad press from PETA. 

Man to Vote for Bloomberg If He Sees Just One More Ad

Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.” 

Man Explains Bernie to Woman

Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.

Jared Withdrawing From Society to “Focus on His Music”

“To all those near and dear to me, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be engaging with you physically, socially, or emotionally. From this day forward, I plan to eat, sleep, and breathe music — my music. That I am making. I am making music,” Sampson wrote in a recent Instagram post.

Jewish History Class Graded 60% on Exams, 40% on Chutzpah

“Now that’s chutzpah,” Dr. Rabinowitz concluded. “And kid, you won’t get nowhere if you don’t got chutzpah.”

Yogurt Left in Fridge Over Break Now More Cultured Than Exchange Student Who Left It

After biking to Di Bruno Bros on a fancy bike, François, whose superiority over American bikes you cannot even begin to comprehend, walked in and began the selection process for the most cultured yogurts money could buy. François carefully weighed each Chobani and Siggi’s in his hands, knocking to check for ripeness and smelling to test for… aroma. You wouldn’t understand.

Old Man in Pottruck Locker Room Definitely Staying Naked for Longer than Necessary

The naked old man, who said his name is Harold but declined to give his last name, said his behavior made complete sense. 

The Results Are In! The Hottest Pets on Campus Are a Loose Rat and a Box of Bugs

After a campus wide poll, Under the Button Dot Com is proud to announce that this year’s most popular pets are a loose rat and a box of bugs. These trendy pets come with many benefits and are relatively easy to take care of—the perfect pet for any busy college student. The more one researches these cuddly cuties, the more one understands why so many students on campus are adding a loose rat and a box of bugs to their home.

Holiday Lights Outside of Frat Bring Festive Mood to The Sexual Misconduct Currently Happening

Sure, it might be unpleasant for the women of this university to feel unsafe in the spaces that undeniably dominate this campus’ social scene, but at least there are some pretty lights outside. Yea, it would be nice for Bennett to understand the concept of personal space and boundaries, but he was probably too busy setting up the lights to realize how his actions make women uncomfortable.

BREAKING: Andrew Yang Secures Huge Endorsement From Guy in My Poli Sci Lecture

In a highly awaited endorsement announcement, Luke from my Poly Sci 100 lecture has announced his support for Andrew Yang's 2020 presidential campaign. In a 3-minute speech viewed by hundreds in College Hall 200, as well as an impatient professor, Luke walked the entire class through his thought process and rationale for this decision.

BREAKING: Lindsey Thinks Her Backpack Needs Its Own Chair at Starbucks

“Well here’s what I wish I’d said. I wish I would’ve been like, 'okay sweetheart. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna move your bag from this chair, you’re gonna pull it out for me so I can sit down, and you’re gonna apologize to me for my troubles. Then, you’re gonna pack up your stuff, walk out the door, and never show your face here again…' But instead I just apologized for bothering her, did a weird little bow, and ran out without picking up my drink.”

Report: 90% of Penn Operating Budget Goes Toward Powering Oscillating Sculpture in LRSM Lobby

“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”

Hungover Student Has to Explain to Parents Why He Donated to Michael Bennet’s Campaign

Jasper woke up Sunday morning with a slight headache, a dry mouth, two missed calls, and 12 text messages from his parents. He cursed. It happened again. He'd donated five dollars to Senator Michael Bennet’s presidential campaign.

Pew Research Center Finds That Majority of Americans Say “Pew Pew” When Firing Imaginary Gun

The Pew Research Center has completed a landmark study which found that over half of Americans say “pew pew” when firing an imaginary gun, with “pew pew pew” and “pew” coming in second and third respectively.

Perry World House to Get Even Bigger TV

Students on campus have long felt that the television in Perry World House was too small. Ruby Cheung, a sophomore in the college, told Under the Button reporters that the television was so small it made her embarrassed to be a Quaker.

From McKinsey to K-Pop: Wharton Alum Has Locked BTS in a Cage

When 2017 Wharton MBA graduate Steve Donovan left McKinsey, he was worried that his days of facilitating the immoral detainment of innocent people were over. He doesn’t have to worry anymore! As of this morning, Donovan has locked world-renowned K-pop supergroup BTS in a small steel cage.

Report: Funny Friend Actually Just Kinda Mean

It’s all but certain Teddy will ascend to the status of one of the greatest comedians alive, among other giants like Louis C. — shit, never mind. There’s one issue, though — he’s also kind of a dick.