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News


Health Goddess! Shhh! She Doesn't Inhale

"Since I don’t inhale, the more times I take a smoke break or short walk around the block, the more fit I’m getting."


Quiz: Did a Frat Star Punch a Hole in Your Wall, or Was It a Tiny Mr. Kool Aid Man?

Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage.


Brave: Senior Drinks Multiple Times a Week Despite Deteriorating Physical Health

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 


Senior More Committed to Earning Spot on Feb Club Smokes Plaque Than on Dean's List the past 4 Years

He is experiencing an unparalleled amount of drive that he had not yet embodied during his time at Penn: he must make it on to the Smoke’s plaque.


ROTC Student Willing to Go to War but Won't Shave in Quad Showers

"I’ll do a ten-mile run in full uniform, but do you know what’s on the walls of those showers? Neither do I, and I’m not about to risk it.”


Classes Canceled After Problematic Tweets Surface from Early 2010s

The History Department tweeted "There just aren't that many important women in history. Sorry feminists." in August of 2011. Like many of its tweets, the post did not garner significant reactions. It has since been deleted.


Upsetting: This Balding Man is Actually a CIS Freshman

Gillison entered Penn this past fall full of energy... Now, he looks more like a professor than a student.


Meet the Kid Who Flunked Out of School While Waiting for His ExtraCare Card Receipt at CVS

Kauffman intended to be in and out of the store in under 10 minutes.


Heroic Student Bankrupts Publisher, Destroys Capitalism by Downloading PDF Copy of Textbook

“I don’t know how much longer we can survive by just selling 100 dollar access codes.”


Group Project Member Disagrees with Team’s Idea, Remains Silent yet Judgmental

“My group is making tons of simple errors, but I would rather knowingly lose a few points here and there than confront them about it and make them feel bad."


Didn't Have a Valentine This Year? Haha Loser Get Fucked

The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.


Sad! This Buffoon Lost All His Worldly Possessions in a Pottruck Locker

Like an absolute moron, Adams threw all of his worldly possessions, consisting of his backpack, PennCard, and Canada Goose jacket, into a locker, heeding no mind to its number, not knowing that he would never see any of these items ever again.


Ignoring Venmo Requests Now to be Considered a White-Collar Crime

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf gave an impassioned speech this week calling neglected Venmo requests an “epidemic” and a “total dick move, guys.”


Sophomore Pleads 5th Amendment in Class After Not Doing Readings

Tensions were running at an all-time high when College sophomore Suzie Reyes chose not to do the readings for her LGST 100 class.


Student Who Focuses Best in the Shower Ruins Laptop

While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice. 


Herd Is the Word: How One Junior’s Ranching Club Is Shaking up Campus

"As soon as I arrived at Penn, I noticed a disturbing lack of cattle."


Feeling Cow Sick? Here Are 4 Cures For When You Miss Your Favorite Dairy Cow

You’re sitting in your 9 a.m. recitation, the professor droning on and on, and all you can think is: “I should have been up 3 hours ago milking my favorite dairy cow!” 


Hey Samantha! Liking Oat Milk Isn’t a Personality Trait

It actually does NOT count as oppression when you walk into United By Blue and learn that they are out of it. 


OP-ED: I Am Declaring a National Emergency Until I Get a Summer Internship

I worked so hard in high school to prepare myself for the workforce, and now I can't even get a damn interview anywhere.


Student Dismayed to Find Out Senior Spring Doesn’t Really Start Until You Have a Job

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.


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