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No Hand Sanitizer, No Problem: Dave Just Stocked up on Dove for Men 3 in 1

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Dave later reported from quarantine. “How could so many shoppers be wasting their money buying hand soap, shampoo, and hand sanitizer, when you could just buy a bottle of 3 in 1 for half the price?”

Dedicated! This Student Has Been Socially Distancing Herself From Hometown Friends Since High School

Under the Button reached out to every single one of Greenfield’s high school friends, and was able to get in contact with all both.

Penn to Administer All Spring Exams Through Kahoot

Answer choices include the red triangle, blue diamond, yellow circle, and green square.

Professor Going to Be That Close to Camera Entire Zoom Call

As the conference call began for URBS 250: City Planning for Climate Change, students began to realize that Professor Stanley Markowitz was going to be that close to the camera the entire call.

Penn to Introduce Troll Under 38th Street Bridge

Professor Devito will live directly under the bridge but may come out at night and surprise students. 

Sad! My Computer Gives Me Drexel Ads Because It Knows I'm Not Smart Enough for Penn

You know what they say, “cheaters never win,” and I’m learning just how true that is. My laptop is fighting for academic integrity. In short, my computer keeps giving me Drexel ads because it KNOWS that I don’t belong here.

Penn Dining Now Takes Drexel Dining Dollars: Just Like Everywhere Else

The University declined to respond, citing the inability to hear concerns over the sound of money pouring in from freshman dining plans. 

8 Easy Classes You Can Take Senior Fall Because You Dropped a CU Every Semester

You thought that dropping a class in the middle of a party, because you didn't want to study for the midterm, was funny. You thought that it was a party trick. It became your party trick. 

Depressing: All Known Areas of Study Just Become Staring at Excel Spreadsheets Sooner or Later

“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”

Oh Fuck: Your Professor Just Said the Fuck Word

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

Wharton Behavioral Lab Finds Penn Students Will Do “Literally Anything” for $5

"I’d do a lot of stuff for $10. Like I mean, while I do value my dignity, my valuation of it is only $6 — on a good day.”

Survey Finds Most Popular Beer Among Architecture Majors to Be Natural Light

Keystone Light came in at a close second.

Kelly Writers House to Allow Outdoor Smoking to Reduce Indoor Smoking

The decision comes in an attempt to curb the rampant complaints of second-hand smoke within the house.

Incel to Give Up Sex for Lent

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.

2020-2021 Dress Code will Allow Leggings, Tank Tops

Students have been lobbying for this change for years, claiming Penn’s “two-finger” strap width and “no athletic pants” policies are vague, outdated, and originate from elitist, sexist ideologies.

SEPTA to Start Cracking Down on Trolley Drivers Who Aren’t Blackout Drunk

Lindsay Lohan, chairwoman of SEPTA, told Under the Button about the years of high-level thinking that went into this decision: “Our riders expect their trolley rides to be violent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable."

Modern Day Homer? This Student Writes for the Odyssey Online

“I personally think Odyssey is a catalyst for social change,” Parsons said. “There are conversations that people need to be having, like such as about how feminism is just not super important for me personally, and it’s fine if it is for you, but I need you to respect my point of view as a writer.”

Man Playing Devil's Advocate Unaware He Is Devil

“I just feel like we should be listening to ALL worldviews, even the underworld views. Let’s not judge a book by its cover, or a demon by his scales, as I always say.”

Sorority Sister Posts Smiling Date Night Photo Despite Family Being Murdered Minutes Before

“My family did all get murdered, and I didn’t really have a good time dancing or whatever, but at least I got a photo that looked good.” 

Here Is the Midterm Review Without Solutions Because Fuck You

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”