"Since I don’t inhale, the more times I take a smoke break or short walk around the block, the more fit I’m getting."

Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage.

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 

He is experiencing an unparalleled amount of drive that he had not yet embodied during his time at Penn: he must make it on to the Smoke’s plaque.

"I’ll do a ten-mile run in full uniform, but do you know what’s on the walls of those showers? Neither do I, and I’m not about to risk it.”

The History Department tweeted "There just aren't that many important women in history. Sorry feminists." in August of 2011. Like many of its tweets, the post did not garner significant reactions. It has since been deleted.

Gillison entered Penn this past fall full of energy... Now, he looks more like a professor than a student.

Kauffman intended to be in and out of the store in under 10 minutes.

“I don’t know how much longer we can survive by just selling 100 dollar access codes.”

“My group is making tons of simple errors, but I would rather knowingly lose a few points here and there than confront them about it and make them feel bad."

The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.

Like an absolute moron, Adams threw all of his worldly possessions, consisting of his backpack, PennCard, and Canada Goose jacket, into a locker, heeding no mind to its number, not knowing that he would never see any of these items ever again.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf gave an impassioned speech this week calling neglected Venmo requests an “epidemic” and a “total dick move, guys.”

Tensions were running at an all-time high when College sophomore Suzie Reyes chose not to do the readings for her LGST 100 class.

While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice. 

"As soon as I arrived at Penn, I noticed a disturbing lack of cattle."

You’re sitting in your 9 a.m. recitation, the professor droning on and on, and all you can think is: “I should have been up 3 hours ago milking my favorite dairy cow!” 

It actually does NOT count as oppression when you walk into United By Blue and learn that they are out of it. 

I worked so hard in high school to prepare myself for the workforce, and now I can't even get a damn interview anywhere.

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.