After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.

There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.

You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it.

Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.

Sources have reported Du’s annual income as an event photographer to be upwards of 50,000 dollars. Liam Dello (E ‘21), a close friend of Du’s, said, in reality, it could be much, much more. “Evan would never tell anyone how much he’s really making. Why do you think he’s about to go down for tax evasion? He’s hiding something,” Dello said. “He started calling his consulting job at BCG his side hustle. That’s when I knew he was in too deep.” 

When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."

“This is our Plymouth.”

Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.” 

Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman? 

 His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.

Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.

While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.

Gautama decided to escape his hometown and spend a year in a rural Nepalese village after growing sick of privileged palace life. There, Gautama shaved his hippie locks, spent his time living with the locals, and truly understanding his responsibility as a global citizen.

“I just need a female to come with me to a party so I can get in,” said Engineering freshman Lars Arshul. “I genuinely enjoy a female’s company, and I’m totally not using her as a tool for my own enjoyment or anything.” 

“We realized that we’ve just been getting cooler and cooler all the time, but everyone else has been pretty much standing still."

After taking a particularly fire photo in front of a garish M&M billboard, Amy decided that she had found a new profile pic for Facebook. 

That's all good and well, but, despite an all-female cast, the Bloomers show failed to pass the Bechdel Test. Even though every actress on stage was a woman, every skit was centered around a man, his penis, and how that penis potentially might be shrunken down to nothing.

In an effort to squeeze a social life into the Penn academic schedule, students have begun to reserve group study rooms just to study individually together. “I think it’s a really effective way of socializing. I say hi to my friends when I enter the room, sit down, and start studying,” said junior Arseh Ole.

The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible. 

On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”