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News


Strap in Folks: Kelsey Needs to Tell You About the Dream She had Last Night

But your arm was broken so I said we should get you some chocolate milk right away, but the gas station was out. Then we had to go to Hershey Park to get some, but all of the brown cows were on vacation in Vegas.


BREAKING: FRESHMAN SMALL etc. etc.

Like, I literally can barely see them. Their tiny tiny legs move so quickly but make such little progress.


From the Class of '04: Amy, You Said We Were Your Favorite Class at Convocation

We kept on, knowing that we were being tested because we were special, that we were the culmination of 263 of failed attempts at perfection.


Irresistible: PA Powerball Finally Throws NCH Single into Prize Pool

Not only will winners of the PA Powerball clinch a jackpot of over 80 million dollars, but they will also receive the ultimate prize. 


&pizza Has a New Box Design, and I’ll Admit it: I’m Excited

Greg, the HR intern, thought the box looked good, and off it went to printing!


After Temporary Frogro Closure, Students Confused That “Visible Physical Evidence of Rodents” Now Considered a Problem

At first I thought that the visible physical evidence of rodents was something that should be reported, but then I realized that was silly. It’s like, would you report it if your air conditioning was working too well? Obviously not, and it’s the same thing.


Senior Writes Name of Class in Perfect Handwriting in Flimsy Attempt to Convince Himself He Cares

If he could just muster the energy to write the name of the class in a visually pleasing font, he could possibly remind himself what giving a single fuck actually felt like.


Seven Acronyms Every Penn Freshman Needs to Know

Freshmen, get your pens and pencils ready. 


Subtle Flex: Junior Switches Between 13 Different Desktops During Group Study Session

“It's good to be on top,” Volk said, browsing his desktops like a mad titan admiring his collection of all-powerful gemstones. “I am truly the apex predator here at Penn.” 


New Jersey’s Revenge? Penn Freshman Haunted By Ghost of Discarded Princeton Hoodie

“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.” 


Shameful: The Cats Trailer Doesn't Do Enough for Furry Representation in Hollywood

Once again, characters whose identities are obviously and critically furry are being portrayed by non-furry actors. Jason Derulo? Non-furry. Taylor Swift? Non-furry. Idris Elba? Debatable.


After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing

Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.


Hustle Mode On: This PURM Student Logged 6.75 Hours Last Week

"Yeah, I'm supposed to log 35 hours a week, but 6.75 felt like it was more than enough."


BREAKING: Republican Congressman Claims "Hot Girl Summer" to Blame for Recent Heat Wave, Not Climate Change

"These women are literally setting the planet on fire with their confidence. Is this really a fire we want to put out?" 


Balance Wizard? A Guy Just Passed By Me At a Party Without Putting His Hand On My Lower Back

I didn’t believe it until it happened to me. I’d always assumed that there was some biological difference between men and women that made it impossible for a man to pass behind a woman without putting his hand on her lower back.


Psych 101! Braden Didn't Actually Cheat On Tiffany, He Just Never Developed Object Permanence

 "So basically," explained Braden, "I'm baby." 


Bleeding Edge Tech! Blackboard and Chalk Ranked Best Way to Teach Course Material

In addition to its rustic charm, the beloved blackboard has also been praised for its bold and unyielding simplicity. 


Intern Sees His Shadow, Six More Weeks of Summer

Luckily, the noticing of his shadow coincided with Intern Day at his summer gig. Every year on Intern Day, the mayor comes in to mentor the new batch of interns, while hopefully not dropping them in the process. 


In-N-Out Is Not Replacing Frontera but How Cool Would It Be If It Was?

Imagine if we could pop in to ARCH and grab a delicious cheeseburger on our way to class. Maybe an Animal-Style 4-by-4 if we're feeling hungry, or a protein-style grilled cheese for the calorie-conscious. 


Penn Reiterates Medium-Tolerance Policy on Racism

"We do not believe that Wax's opinions exceed our threshold for racist beliefs held and expressed publicly by faculty," the Administration stated.


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