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Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker

After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.

Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing

There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.

BREAKING: You Are Now Breathing Manually

You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it.

Arts Group Performance Looks Very Fun for Them

Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.

Student Event Photographer in Custody of the IRS

Sources have reported Du’s annual income as an event photographer to be upwards of 50,000 dollars. Liam Dello (E ‘21), a close friend of Du’s, said, in reality, it could be much, much more. “Evan would never tell anyone how much he’s really making. Why do you think he’s about to go down for tax evasion? He’s hiding something,” Dello said. “He started calling his consulting job at BCG his side hustle. That’s when I knew he was in too deep.” 

Intense Love Affair Blossoming Between Anonymous Ferret and Anonymous Manatee in Shared Google Doc

When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."

Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4

Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.” 

Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?

Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman? 

Wharton Kid Reassures Local Stabbing Victim That the Market Will Take Care of It

 His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.

Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day

Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.

American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement

While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.

The Buddha Came Home from His Nepalese Gap Year and Won’t Shut up About Buddhism

Gautama decided to escape his hometown and spend a year in a rural Nepalese village after growing sick of privileged palace life. There, Gautama shaved his hippie locks, spent his time living with the locals, and truly understanding his responsibility as a global citizen.

Penn Females Boycott Parties, Shutting down Ratios and Party Culture

“I just need a female to come with me to a party so I can get in,” said Engineering freshman Lars Arshul. “I genuinely enjoy a female’s company, and I’m totally not using her as a tool for my own enjoyment or anything.” 

Frat Too Cool to Mix with Any Women

“We realized that we’ve just been getting cooler and cooler all the time, but everyone else has been pretty much standing still."

Amy and Her Friends 'Just Went to New York' over Fall Break

After taking a particularly fire photo in front of a garish M&M billboard, Amy decided that she had found a new profile pic for Facebook. 

Bloomers Show Fails to Pass the Bechdel Test

That's all good and well, but, despite an all-female cast, the Bloomers show failed to pass the Bechdel Test. Even though every actress on stage was a woman, every skit was centered around a man, his penis, and how that penis potentially might be shrunken down to nothing.

Students Reserve Group Study Room to Study Individually Together

In an effort to squeeze a social life into the Penn academic schedule, students have begun to reserve group study rooms just to study individually together. “I think it’s a really effective way of socializing. I say hi to my friends when I enter the room, sit down, and start studying,” said junior Arseh Ole.

Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth

The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible. 

YouTube Commenter Can’t Decide If He Wants to Be Racist or Nostalgic Today

On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”