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News


Wharton Student Learns Friendship Is Okay After Professor Calls It 'Social Capital'

My allocation of time only got more efficient as I learned to hedge my friendships. 


One More Ceremony Until Gutmann Gets Dedication Bingo!

This isn’t a solo bingo game either: Gutmann has some steep competition to go up against. Martha E. Pollack of Cornell and Peter Salovey at Yale are both in on the action. Whoever completes their respective card first gets an all-new 2003 Kia Sorento. 


Fiji Employing Ukrainian Troll Factory to Post on Greekrank

First hitting headlines after its involvement in the 2016 Presidential election, the paid Internet troll industry was in desperate need of customers in light of the scandal now centered around it. They reached out to a number of potential revenue sources including Latin American despots, the search engine Bing, and Yahoo News. 


'I Already Finished the Essay' and 5 Other Ways to Be Fucking Annoying

Grumpier and somehow more entitled than before, students everywhere have had it up to here with this campus’ cutthroat culture (unless they’re the ones winning). Here are five things that might just make you act on those intrusive thoughts you get listening to someone talk about their completed assignment.


Wow! Denise from Intermediate Latin Can Really Throw It Back

“I guess you could call me a Caligula,” she once said.


Karen Experiences First Orgasm After Descending Harrison Elevator Without Stopping

On any other Monday morning, she would have reached menopause before getting to the Harrison lobby.


Fine Arts Student Adds Poppers to Essential Oil Diffuser

Bryce reported that the first time he added poppers to his diffuser, he was put in a coma for three weeks, during which he had a manic fever dream about Catholic theater camp.


Girl with ‘Food Porn’ Instagram Seems to Have Misunderstood the Concept

Let’s just say she’s making different foods fuck.  


New College House West to Be Built out of Cardboard

The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets. 


Win! Senior Psych Major Can Finally Spell Physiological

While sitting in his PSYC 162 lecture, Doyle perfectly spelled physiological in his notes.


Wharton Student Assures Employer That ‘Community Service Was a One-Time Mistake’

Natasha posted on her LinkedIn later that night. u201cThis does not reflect on my character as a worker and was a one time mistake. This does not represent who I am.u201d


How to Adjust Your Velcro Shoes During a Midterm

Slowly undo the velcro on both shoes. Really draw it out so that people will think that you’re done before hearing even more separating velcro.


Penn to Divest from Fossil Fuels

FFP is part of a larger international divestment movement, led by 350.org. Since its inception seven years ago, the campaign has been so effective in moving capital away from the fossil fuel industry that it was cited by Peabody Energy as one of the primary reasons they were forced to declare bankruptcy in 2016.


Frontera Order Taking Even Longer Than Usual

On March 6th, Grace Qi (C '21) ordered a chipotle chicken torta with a side of chips and guacamole from Frontera. For the last seven months, she has been waiting for her order on the ground floor of Arch Cafe. For over half a year, she has subsisted solely on chip crumbs and rats she managed to capture from the Frontera kitchen area. 


'It's Not a Frat House, It's a Frat Home,' Says Freshman with Quasi-Stockholm Syndrome

Upon further inquiry into Staleman’s life at home, Staleman replied “I would drink piss for my boys. I have drunk piss for my boys! And I don’t even mean natty lite bro. Piss into my mouth, bro! Do it, bro!”


Sophomore off Meal Plan Will Totally Save Bank Purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos in Bulk

Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.


Franzia Unveils New Boyfriend-Sized Bag of Sunset Blush

It has everything a single Penn student could want: the proportions of a 21-year-old male and 2,400 fluid ounces of crisp rose. It’s just like your old boyfriend except it’s full of bad wine instead of a bad personality. 


Duality of Woman! Chloe Went to the Climate Strike but Doesn't Know How to Recycle

Chloe Jameson (E ’20) is one of many participants. You can find her sitting cross-legged in College Hall, demanding Penn’s divestment from oil, coal, and gas companies, chanting about the looming threat of sea-level rise. But, what if you ask her which bin to put a crumpled sheet of paper in? Expect a blank stare in return. 


How a Slight Nod and Penn Maintenance Shirt Got Me into Castle

I can honestly report that Castle parties really aren’t that great — people just asked me if I could unclog the upstairs bathroom drain.


Quiz: What Does Your PennID Say About Your Future?

Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!


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