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News


Seems Legit: Ja Rule Funding New College House West Construction

Ja Rule assured architects and builders earlier this week via a screenshot of the Notes app in an email that "this building is NOT A SCAM as everyone is reporting."


Penn Struggling To Erect Building On Last Remaining Square Foot Of Grass

When appraisers first noticed the 11 inch by 11.5 inch rectangle of grassy dirt, the University community was shocked to learn that something like that still existed.


Freshman with ‘7 Rings’ Energy Bursars AirPods for Six of Her Bitches

Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body.


Penn Intramural Polo League Off to Slow Start

The league is looking for folks who have three to six horses and three friends who also have three to six horses.


Selfish Friend Fails to Accommodate Lucy’s Busy Pledging Schedule

Since when does being unaffiliated with Greek life also mean being inconsiderate?


Student Leaves Room After Finishing CIS 160 Problem Set, Disappointed to Find the Year Is 2019

"Good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break."


Incoming Freshman Disappointed to Learn Penn is not a “Free Drug Zone” and That He Cannot Read

Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.


Wholesome! Entire Friend Group Pretending to Be Sad and Stressed to Make Friend Feel Better

We convinced him that we’re all going to be somewhere between homeless and disowned after graduation. I think Mattie’s got this great story about a felony conviction.


Ja Rule Hired by SPEC to Deliver Bahamian Fling

Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."


2 Step Authentication Now Required to Enter Smokes

Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.


Thirsty Freshmen Head to Frat Party, Leave With Five Gallons of Water

In that moment we were so thirsty and feeling so naughty that we knew that we had to steal it or else we would literally combust.


Genius: Student Who Corrected Math Professor in Packed Lecture Hall Gains Tenure

And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.


5 Cliché Windows For Your Amateur Photoshoot of Impromptu Snowstorm

In the spirit of giving, UTB is here to help you d-bags out. It was hard to narrow down the five best windows out of the 1,366,475 windows on campus, but after great deliberation we have compiled a list.


AirPennNet Celebrates 1 Million Hours Of Pornography Streamed On Network

Gutmann and the Board of Trustees have sought to boost erotica consumption through the Power of Porn campaign.


Ben Simmons MERTed After Every Guy at City Tap House Tells Him to Take More Shots

Despite multiple security guards protecting Simmons from his fellow patrons at Tap House, they could not prevent a few unwelcome comments from being hurled at the NBA player from across the bar. The first of which came from lifelong Sixers fan Dan Spagnola (C ‘19) who yelled at the pass-first point guard to “take more shots.”


Howie Mandel Instructs Student How to “Phone a Lifeline” After Exhausting All Other Two-Step Verification Codes

Sadly, Webster’s only lifeline was his now ex-girlfriend, Miranda Sheath who had "had it up to here with Cole’s drunken bullshit." But left with no other choice, Webster made the call as Howie Mandel hummed the Deal or No Deal theme song to himself, applying ample hand sanitizer all the while.


Report: 90% of US Population Will be Consulting for Each Other by 2030

The sheer number of consultants working in ten years will necessitate that they work for each other.


Amy Gutmann Finally Denounces Logan and Jake Paul

On behalf of the Penn community, I vehemently condemn their actions over the last two years, and implore you to unsubscribe and down-vote their videos. 


Sorority Engaged in Immersive Rehearsals of Live Action Rendition of 'Madeline'

They have dedicated the six weeks until spring break to wholeheartedly morphing into French children. Preparation for the performance includes weekly Parc brunches, mixers with Euro Penn, and developing a rather dangerous addiction to cigarettes.


Finally: NCH Dining Hall Hires Death Grips Frontman to Yell When Your Order's Ready

Freshmen agree: our staff just hasn’t been shouting loudly enough.


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