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No Fair! Nerd Who Actually Did Reading Seriously Hogging Spotlight in Class Discussion

Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.


Bumble App to Only Let Bottoms Message First

However, we no longer live in a binary society of bashful woman and charming men. What about the coy gay bottoms and the dashing lesbian tops? What about the couples looking for a third? What about the little pig boys searching for the boots of a goddess to lick?


Big Turn On: This Guy Showed Me a Clip of His High School Touchdown on Our First Date

Rogerson High School had been down 20-24 in the fourth quarter against their rivals, Ridgeport High School, with just 12 seconds on the clock. The team had the ball at its own 30-yard line, and prospects were grim. That’s when Coach Matt told the team to play a hail mary like they’d practiced.


To Save Money, Pottruck Will Only Stay Open First 5 Days of Semester

According to Campus Recreation Director Dr. Saul Marsh, “the gym basically goes empty after week one.


Student Excited to See If Coffee Will Cause Euphoria or Anxiety Attack

Sometimes, when she pulls the short straw and winds up with an anxiety attack, she starts sweating and drops a class.


Quiz: Is Your Partner Working on the Presentation or Are They Just Speedrunning Minesweeper?

But as you begin your search for primary sources, you start to notice your partner acting a bit strangely. Clenched jaw, twitchy fingers, darting eyes…wait a second. Could it be? Is your partner speedrunning Minesweeper instead of working on the presentation? Take this quiz to find out!


Student to Interview for Wharton MBA Program Fastens Ski Ticket to Arc'teryx

Applebaum suddenly remembered that Wharton MBA Admissions doesn't accept students who don’t know how to ski. When asked about the policy, Eric Chambers from the MBA Admissions Office commented “Just as we expect scores on the GMAT, we expect that students know how to ski."


Invasive Species Alert: Please Kill Anyone You See Biking on the Sidewalk

The sidewalk biker is especially devastating to urban areas, disrupting pedestrian flow and increasing the risk of getting your foot run over on the way to class.


Deborah Feeling Real Fucking Cocky After Calling her Congressman

Deborah is basically the only person who has ever called her Congressman.


Confident! Senior Reserves Hotel Room for Future Son's 2041 graduation

Every year, parents struggle to find accommodations near campus during graduation season. When Bob Mallow (N ‘20) learned that his parents would be Skyping in on his big day, he knew things needed to change.


Report: 90% of the Class of 2023 Learned Good Words from Their Parents' Record Players

In last Thursday’s Democratic debate, former Vice President Joe Biden assaulted the audience’s ears with a two-minute diatribe on everything from racial relations to how to raise your kids. The lesson: make sure the lil fellas listen to the record player so they can hear words.


Insane Willpower: Guy Walks Past DRL Hallway Mirrors Without Stopping to Check Himself Out

It is a universal truth that a Penn student walking past the DRL hallway mirrors wouldn't be able to resist stopping and giving themselves a thorough ocular pat-down.


Freshman Celebrates 3 Birthdays, Graduation Before Her Wawa Mac and Cheese Is Ready

To Brightson, the minutes stretched on like eternities. After ten of them, she started getting sober. After 20, she was painfully sober. After 30, she wondered if she had made a mistake. At the 45 minute mark, Brightson fully gave in, returned home, and collapsed into her bed.


Compensating for Something? Micro Market to Exclusively Stock Magnum XL’s

Because, as you know, people who shop at Micro Mart are anything but micro, in any sense of the word.


Report: Entire Free World Apparently Taking Geology This Semester

DRL A4 looks less like a lecture hall, and more like a Black Friday sale at Walmart.


Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying

President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.


Student in Natural Disturbances and Human Disasters Is a Human Disaster

Talk about a class where you can really learn about yourself! Even better than PHIL 277 Conceptions of the Self, this class literally referenced College junior Gerry Kard in the title.


Williams Hall Ranked Safest Building on Campus

In a surprising 12 place jump, Williams Hall has beat out Van Pelt and Huntsman Hall in the 2019 Daily Pennsylvanian Safest UPenn Academic Building Rankings. 


UTB Writer Joins Opinion, Forced to Mock Own Content

I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.


OP-ED: I Only Go to Metro Because I Love Verbal Abuse

Whenever I ask for a nice chai, I know that I can count on the barista to scoff at my embarrassingly basic taste in caffeinated beverages.


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