While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.

Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.

Get ready to see some graphic shit.

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 

Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.

Felt cute, might shit later.

Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.

Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.

She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."

After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.

Gutmann has already packed twelve Michael Kors bags full of dirndls and pantsuits, and she now only responds to “Präsidentin Gutmann.”

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.

For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom. 

"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"

Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.