Better step it up student athletes! 

“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.” 

What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets. 

Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. 

Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admission committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible. 

It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful. 

Students have mixed reactions to new “Locust Lust” platform.

"I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first 4-sided building I saw.” 

There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost. 

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.  

Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.

Every piece of clothing in Urban Outfitters tells a story. Some say, "I just moved from Rural Virginia to Philly and boy do I need to stop wearing skinny jeans." Others say, "I just deleted Hinge for the sixth time, but this Saturday night I will redownload it."

 We all know that Penn is a seriously cash-strapped institution. The existence of Gregory College House is proof that the university does not have enough money to keep things in repair. If the school can’t even maintain dorm buildings, how do you expect Penn to pay its dining hall workers? 

We're the only ones allowed to have large gatherings! 

 If students were curious they could double click on the image which takes them to a page with the meme as an animated GIF so the flames move.  

Thank god Zoom has finally accommodated its users by letting us hide the bitch once and for all. 

Students have wrongfully pointed their fingers at Greek Life when, all along, it was the breakout rooms that lead to all the cases. 

u00a0Thus, the Law of Total Probability is satisfied. u00a0

Evan has struggled to make the leap from cracking jokes at family dinners or retweeting funnier people to cranking out solid satire twice a week but his grandma was quick to point out that he was also slow to learn the alphabet.