In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.
Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.
As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.
Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.
The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.
Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is.
To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.
At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.
Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?
Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.
Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.
In a break from his Penn colleagues’ recent classroom policies, Professor Darren Wright has decided to reverse his no-laptop policy, as having to look at students’ sad and ugly faces began to take a toll on his mental and physical health.
Late Tuesday night, it was discovered that the basement of Huntsman Hall, initially thought of as the ideal location to weep and snort Adderall simultaneously, is actually home to the Chamber of Secrets!
Heterosexual males rejoice!
Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.
In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.
Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.
As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.
Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance
Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.