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News


New Metal Water Bottle Replaces Previous Metal Water Bottle As Crucial Indicator Of Taste And Wealth

In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.


Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Also Cold

Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.


First Canada Gooses Spotted on Campus! Is It That Cold or Is Everyone Dressed like a Douchebag for Halloween?

As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.


Mortifying: This Student Accidentally Called Her Professor 'My Wife' in Borat Voice

Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.


Penn Quaker Method Acting to Prepare for Starring Role in New Horror Franchise

The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.


OP-ED: I Don’t Care About Romance I Care About Platform Sandals

Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is. 


Senior Walking and Mumbling to Herself Not Actually on Phone, Just Has Imaginary Friend

To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.


Facilities Knocks on Freshman’s Dorm Right When the Porn Gets Good

At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.


Junior Who Stared Down Group as Harnwell Elevators Closed Actually a Nice Guy

Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?


Sophomore Seriously Regretting Decision to Purchase Bulk Order of Soylent

Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.


Up and Coming Stand-Up Comedian Masters Standing, Ready to Start Writing Jokes Any Day Now

Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.


Professor Reverses No-Laptop Policy as Students Faces Have Become Increasingly Sad-Looking and Ugly

In a break from his Penn colleagues’ recent classroom policies, Professor Darren Wright has decided to reverse his no-laptop policy, as having to look at students’ sad and ugly faces began to take a toll on his mental and physical health.


BREAKING: Chamber of Secrets Found in Huntsman Basement

Late Tuesday night, it was discovered that the basement of Huntsman Hall, initially thought of as the ideal location to weep and snort Adderall simultaneously, is actually home to the Chamber of Secrets!



7-Year Dental Student Forgets to Floss, Expelled

Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.


Penn Sleep Center Study Confirms: Your Boy is Legit Passed the Fuck Out and You Should Totally Draw a Monster Dong on His Face

In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.


West Philly Swingers Facing Shortage of Adventurous Couples

Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.


Correction: Racist Comments Taken Out Of Context of Longer Racist Rant

As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.


College Econ Major Explains Benefits of Liberal Arts Education to Goldman Sachs Recruiter

Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance


'It's Senior Year, I Don't Care About School Anymore!' Says Student Who Pulled All-Nighter in VP Last Night

Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.


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