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‘Seeing My High School Friends Was Weird -- I've Changed So Much,' Reports Freshman After Fall Break

Julia Matthews (W ‘22) knew she was always slightly outperforming her peers. She could understand math problems faster than most people, and she always gave the most insightful comments during classroom discussions. Of course, she was accepted to Penn.

Professor Admits to Setting Curve Just for 'The Drama'

Shocking the lecture hall and flouting academic precedent, Prof. Harold Ash of the Chemistry department revealed that the curve in his Chem 102 class was set for nothing more than “the drama,” despite information to the contrary on the syllabus.

Study Abroad Student Returns With Exotic Tapestry From Target to Hang in Dorm

Upon moving her belongings into her room, junior Kate Lanthorpe (C ’20) was praised for her wall artwork— especially the beautiful and exotic tapestry she got from Target.

SHS Diagnoses Virgin With Four STDs

He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health.  But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.

Student With Internship in DC Last Summer Unable to Stop Name Dropping

When Malia Jackson (W ‘20) was accepted for an internship with Senator Patty Murray (D-Washington), she was reportedly “ecstatic,” immediately making plans for a short-term lease on an apartment and packing all of her various power suits.

Freshman Who Chose Penn For ‘Party School’ Status Applies to Transfer After Visiting Literally Any Other School

Penn students’ motto is work hard, play harder, right? Our bangers rival those of Playboy’s top party schools, yeah?

Report: Freshman Hallucinates After Eating Shrubs Along Locust

Most people are thankful that a Penn intern recently mapped edible shrubs along Locust. Not Jason Lee (C ’22), though. In an unexpected turn of events, the pre-med freshman was seen stumbling near the Quad with a stupefied look on his face. 

TSA Praises Van Pelt Library Security for Finding Innovative Ways to Annoy People in a Rush

Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award."

Geology Professor Cuts the Bullshit, Hands Everyone an A on the First Day of Class

Students in GEOL 104, Rocks and Sand, were met by a pleasant surprise on Tuesday when they received an email from CITsender. The Grade? An A+. For everyone in the class.

Sophomore Mistakes Listening to New Brockhampton Album for Having Actual Personality

Alvin McDavid (C '21), who is best known for having listened to the 2011 smash throwback hit Pumped Up Kicks "before it was mainstream," has just discovered a new musical masterpiece upon which he can base his entire social media presence—Brockhampton's Irridescence.

Freshman Clutching Pedialyte Bottle at Hill Brunch Wants YOU To Know He Drank Alcohol Last Night!

Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself.

Sophomore Prepared to Divulge All Personal Secrets to Fill Awkward Silence

As of Saturday afternoon, Lara Simmons (C '21) came to the realization that she was prepared to divulge all personal secrets in an effort to fill an awkward silence.

Guy Who Skipped All His 9AMs Was Actually Extremely Sick

Tyler Stones (C ’21) has missed every single 9 a.m. class this semester. It’s not for the reasons you might think, though.

Man Crosses One Lane Of Street Before Crossing Sign Illuminates, Describes Living Life 2 Whole Seconds Ahead Of Peers

According to Wharton sophomore and self-proclaimed economic philosopher Chad Peters, time is the world’s scarcest resource. For those busy souls like Peters, waiting a full 30 seconds for the light to change before crossing the street is simply not an option.

Small Talk About Fall Break Only Acceptable Until Sunday

Mark your calendars for October 14th! Aside from being National Dessert Day, this Sunday marks the last day you’re allowed to make small talk with people about fall break.

Junior Thinks Frat House Next Door Is Disgusting, Also Loves Ketamine

Brian McLaughlin (C '20) has been living next door to an off-campus fraternity for the past two years. “It’s ridiculous,” said the 20-year-old PPE major, “These guys are just drinking and smoking all day every day; it’s pathetic.”

Van Pelt Study Carrels to be Renamed 'I'm Watching Netflix, Please Don't Talk to Me' Cubicles

The library, which was initially built as a space for intellectual and academic rigor, has since become a breeding ground for depressing all-nighters, peaceful poops in the third floor bathrooms, and very questionable bag-checking policies.

McAvocado Toast Last Nail in Gentrification Coffin

Like if you didn't McSee that one coming!

Fine Arts Dept. Unveils New Course: 'How to Add Little Squiggly Lines to Photos'

The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.

Sophomore Rejected From Club After Grueling Superday

“I never knew that someone could be robbed of that much time.” Daniel Garza (E ’21) noted as he drifted onto Locust Walk in his suit and tie. He looked broken and beaten—exactly what the Blockchain Consulting Group wanted.