“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

Beginning sometime in the near future, students must have a green PennOpen Pass if they are attending any lively gatherings hosted by Greek Life organizations. 

Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 

Don't worry, the semester isn't over yet! 

Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers. 

Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!

The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. 

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.

“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”  

You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.

I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.

But how do you pronounce it? 

“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”

One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."

Whether the gifts are just stocking stuffers or the new PS5, Wharton is taking the opportunity to teach a lesson in trickle down economics this holiday season.

Under the Button will be organizing a real, totally legitimate protest tomorrow at 3:47am in front of College Hall to demand the administration change “Reading Days” to “Days.” 

There will be labs in palm readings and blaming your bad parking on being a Pisces. Instead of a textbook, professors will assign daily readings on CoStar and group presentations assigned based on your Moon compatibility.