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News


Penn Ranked Fourth Worldwide for Innovation, Producing 20 Million Gallons of It Per Year

After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.


Mom Makes Sure to Let Her Gay Daughter Know That the Guy Across the Hall Is Super Cute

Even though Kristen Polman (N ’22) came out as gay at the ripe age of 15, her mother, Stacy Polman, sometimes just can’t help herself—especially during this past Parents Weekend.


Shocking! Gutmann’s 'Second Year Experience' Created After Secret Collusion With Bed Bath & Beyond

When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.


BREAKING: Lindsay to Study Abroad in London

Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha. 


Freshman at Career Fair Wants to Work for The Goldman Sachs

Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.


BDSM Fanatic Appears at Champagne and Shackles in Leather Bodysuit

Sofia Walsh (C ‘22) is normally okay with an evening filled with cheap handcuffs, free booze, and questionable lifestyle choices.


Sophomore’s Seasonal Excuse for Procrastination Becomes ‘It’s Spooky Szn’

Boo, bitches. The crisp autumn air means Starbucks menus have flipped and sorority trips to Linvilla Orchards are in full swing. Though with this pleasant change of weather comes another difficult change as classes become more intense for Wharton sophomore Jessica Daniels.


It All Makes Sense: Gregory 'House' Actually A Registered Frat

Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to.


BREAKING: Student Bravely Walks Past Site of UPenn Alert

Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.


Elon Musk Tops Wharton's $50 Mil. Donation in Support of Penn Medicine Marijuana Research

Elon Musk, seeing this headline through the bottom of another Teslaquila shot, decided he could do better. Musk announced via twitter, “The single largest gift in Wharton history was my presence. Will donate 50mil and an unused submarine.”


Penn Anti-Vax Club Working to Single-Handedly Bring Back Polio

In the coming months, Parker has made it the club’s goal to bring back Polio, a virus that has been eradicated in the U.S. through vaccination. With his graduation date on the horizon, Parker says it is now or never.


Students Can Now Use LibCal to Sexile Their Roommates

Gone are the days of neckties on your doorknob and drunk texts at 2:00 a.m. kindly asking your roommate to fuck off to their friend’s couch. Students are now able to conveniently schedule their hookups directly through LibCal.


Wow! Boy Manages to Fall in Love With Entirety of Bloomers All at Once

In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group.


Frat Brothers Tell Freshmen to Take a Lap, Collectively Climax

This past Friday, freshman Michael Lucas was told to take a lap by brothers in front of the frat, who climaxed immediately after uttering the words.


Freshman Unsure If She Should Stay Friends With Hall Until After Group Halloween Costume

Now that it’s October, Halloween is probably the only thing anyone is thinking about. Besides the pressure to find a costume that is both funny and slutty, there’s the importance of having a good group costume.


Embarrassing: Over Half of Penn English Majors Can’t Spell 'Schuylkill'

A recent survey conducted by the Penn English Department found that over half of their undergraduate majors could not spell “Schuylkill,” a finding which calls into question the quality of education English majors receive at the school.


Most Lit Party This Friday?! Squirrel Orgy in Locust Garbage Can

Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can.


Epic Win: Boy Starts Crying Instead of Screaming During Consulting Case Interview

Last Monday was a big day for Wharton junior Justin Morowitz, who interviewed for yet another consulting company despite having been rejected from over 60 firms.


Wow! Meet the Remarkable Math 114 TA Who Only Slept Through Three of His Recitations!

In the past two years, Vishnevsky has received satisfactory ratings of 3.00 and 2.95 out of 4.00 on Penn Course Review, thus becoming the 56th highest rated TA at Penn.


BREAKING: Junior Marks ‘Maybe’ on Facebook Event, Attends

After two years of ghosting all of his friends and acquaintances, College junior Sean Barnett has finally attended an event he marked as “maybe” on Facebook.


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