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News


Kid Who Refuses to Put Phone on Silent During Lecture Awarded Medal of Honor for Bravery

Last week, the White House awarded College senior Victor Wu the Medal of Honor for his bravery in very large lecture halls. Even in his 500-person PSYC 001 lecture, Wu keeps his phone ringer on and refuses to silence it, even when someone calls him three times straight. “He has the biggest balls out of anyone I’ve ever seen,” one of his professors said. “And trust me, as an academic, I’ve seen some very large balls before.”


New Men’s Studies Major Differs From History Major By One Class

Newsflash, my dudes! Men’s rights are finally being brought to the table at Penn. After years of the powerful and exclusive Woman’s Club dominating the scene, men are rising up from the ashes to put the (M)enn back in Penn. You heard us ladies: your estrogen party is officially OVER. Say goodbye to public spaces that are dominated by women’s paraphernalia and hello to graffiti dicks on every flat surface around campus. Because at long last, the Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major at Penn has been joined by its partner, Penn Men’s Studies (PMS).


Scandal: Guy Who Made Your House a Chore Wheel Just Put His Plate in the Sink and Walked Away

Wow. Good luck explaining this one, Kyle. I don’t think anybody in your house is going to trust you again for a long, long time. Kyle Goldberg (E ’18) lives in a house with six of his friends. When they moved in, Kyle insisted they set up a chore wheel and divvy up responsibilities around the house.


Perfect Timing! In The Midst Of The Kavanaugh Hearing, Penn’s Task Force Makes Women Feel Safe Again

“Wow, thank goodness for that task force,” is probably something most Penn students are used to saying all the time. From recommending event observers to insinuating that reducing alcohol consumption will stop sexual assault, Penn’s task force has really gotten the job done. And now, they've done it again.


Shocked Wharton Senior Fulfilling Humanities Requirement Hears First Ever Criticism of Capitalism

Josh Greenberg (W ’18) concentrates in Finance and Statistics and has taken a pretty typical course load so far: Advanced Corporate Finance for his major, Intro to Marketing (received a B- despite claiming it was “common sense” the entire semester), and a Gender Studies class just to pick up chicks.


Sophomore Who Decided Not to Join a Meal Plan Has Eaten Dinner Alone in Room for Four Weeks Straight

Engineering sophomore Eric Jayne has decided not to join a meal plan this semester and to instead save some money by eating on his own. Though the move was frugal and bold, it has resulted in a downward spiral of Jayne’s social life, as he has yet to consume a dinner in the presence of another human.


Too Much Self Love? Someone Needs to Push Jamie Down a Peg

Self-love is so important in today’s world. In a society in which individuals are able to hide behind screens and attack a person’s every flaw, it can be tough to keep up confidence. Self-love is a skill that needs to be practiced. However, as of publication, most people agreed Jamie Lister (E ’20) got too good at it and now should probably be pushed down a peg.


Student to Spend Next Four Years Rescheduling Plans with Friend

Hours before she was supposed to hang out with longtime friend Katy, Sarah Kiefer (C ’19) sent her a quick text canceling their dinner plans, saying she was “so busy UGH.” “No worries! Monday?” asked Katy. Sarah replied “Of course!” as she changed into pajamas and turned on Netflix, not even bothering to put the dinner into her schedule for Monday.


Tearful Reunion: Mark Graduated Last Year But Came Back To Represent His Company At The Career Fair

Get the tissues ready. This one’s a tearjerker. Mark Portman (C ’18) graduated last year. His younger friends thought they would not see Mark until homecoming. But then a miracle happened. Mark’s company asked him to represent their firm during On Campus Recruiting.


New CIS Course Prepares Students to Be Devoured By Oncoming Robot Overlords

Penn’s CIS department prides itself on anticipating industry trends and preparing its students to lead the technological world of tomorrow. So when department chair Vikram Singh announced the creation of CIS 435, students were eager to see what was in store for their field of study. The course, formally titled “Technological Citizenship: Preparing Yourself to be Eaten by the Robot Uprising,” will be available to students this spring.


Wawa Announces ‘All Snacks Are Free, Since You Fuckers Just Steal Them Anyway’

A spokesperson from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce announced yesterday that “all snacks that can fit in a small tote bag, or maybe a large purse” will be totally free of charge, effective immediately. Bailey Crenshaw, longtime employee and now General Manager of the beloved campus convenience store, made the statement on Wednesday to a crowd of Penn students and members of the press.


Group Project Beginning to Seriously Test Friendship

Wharton junior Casey Peterson was delighted when her best friend, Michelle Harris (C ’20), registered to join her in MKTG 205 (Intro to Subliminal buyfangstock Messaging). They only bought one copy of the textbook for the two to share and spent the first few classes blissfully mocking the boy in a suit in the front row. Neither suspected that this semester would be anything other than a sort of fun bonding experience, but then things took a dark turn.


BREAKING: Jared Wants to Know What Ethnicity You Are

Reports surfaced late last night that Jared wants to know what ethnicity you are. Curiosity peaked when you walked in the door to Sigma Omega Sigma with your five best friends, and Jared did not immediately know what your place of ancestry was.


‘I'm Really Trying to Eat Better This Year,' Says Junior Hours Before His Weekly Drunk McDonald's Visit

Mark Campbell (C ’21) is so proud of himself for sticking to his diet regimen so far. After one too many tummy pokes from his mom this summer saying how he’s so “big-boned” and seeing a bit more Commons ice cream sundaes on his thighs than he’d like, he’s finally off a meal plan and eating his fair share of fruits, veggies, and proteins.


College Sophomore Transfers to Wharton After Selling Soul for $37.48 on Free & For Sale

Talk about resourcefulness!  Damian Joseph knows a thing or two about a bargain. In his apartment, he managed to get the bigger room by only offering to pay a few hundred dollars extra. And even just last week, he managed to get a Halal chicken over rice for $4, because "the guy knows him pretty well." Now, Joseph is combining his business acumen and love of bargaining to make the most impactful transaction of his life—the sale of his soul.


BREAKING: Penn Successfully Rebrands as Most Money-Hungry Ivy

As part of its ongoing initiative to claim the title of “most money-hungry Ivy League school,” Penn announced that all sophomores will be required to live in college housing starting next year.  “Our administration has constantly strived to extract the most wealth from our students and surrounding community as possible,” a spokesperson wrote in a university-wide email. “From charging $70 for sushi at Franklin’s Table that we bought off of UberEats to gentrifying the moon, Penn has always led the charge. But today, we are confident that requiring all sophomores, regardless of financial status, to remain in Penn housing will allow our school to finally be the best at something.”


Dudes at Pregame Really Impressing Everyone by Drinking Night Before Exam

Constantly reminding all those in attendance of his impending midterm, Wharton junior Daniel Evans was the star of the pregame last Thursday, dazzling peers with his incredible display of courage, mental fortitude, and clear-cut decision making.


'I Just Like the Naked Pics,' Claims Frat Bro Passionate About Renaissance Art

Good fucking save bro. Anonymous sophomore Jack M* (name changed), a brother in Beta Omega Iota Zeta Fraternity (BOIZ) almost made a real blunder. After telling his brothers that he was going to the gym, Jack was seen by an informant at the Art Museum looking at Renaissance paintings. He had to think fast to come up with an appropriate explanation that wouldn’t make him look “weak” or “sensitive.” Quick on his feet, Jack came up with the perfect thing—he told his brothers that he just likes looking at the naked pics!


Second Year Experience Program to Offer Additional Year Of Nervously Walking Through Hallway In Towel

Earlier today, Amy Gutmann rolled out the new "Second Year Experience." The program, which will require all sophomores to live in on-campus University housing, ensures that every Penn student will be guaranteed two years of fearfully walking to the shower in just a bath towel.


Two For One! Gutmann Making Life More Difficult For Private Landlords And Students At The Same Time

Wow. Is there anything this woman can’t do? Amy Gutmann’s new Second Year Experience program, officially announced today in a campus-wide email, requires all sophomores to live in on-campus housing starting in 2021.  Of course, we expect any email coming from our President to announce changes that make life more frustrating and difficult at Penn. But to also make life more difficult for private landlords? Brilliant.


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