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News


BREAKING: Trump Selects Amy Wax as Supreme Court Pick

The two reportedly have a great deal in common, including their political views, their thoughts on the legal system, and the amount of minorities who actively support them. 


Greatest Student of All-Time Crushes Final After Mediocre Midterms

Of course all of this happened while his over-achieving peer in the College, Christian Roberts (C ’19), maintained his pristine academic performance.


SHOCKING: Amy Gutmann Wearing "I Really Don't Care Do U?" Jacket While Visiting CAPS

Gutmann insisted that there was no hidden meaning behind the jacket. "It's a jacket. There was no message. Haven't you guys been getting my emails?!"


Following in UChicago’s Footsteps, Wharton Removes Stock Pitch From Application Requirements

"We're bullish on creativity and bearish on rigid requirements," remarked Frank Harris, Dean of Wharton Undergraduate Admissions. "We have realized that it is unfair to expect applicants to successfully walk us through a discounted cash flow analysis and a comparable companies analysis."


REPORT: 73% of Incoming Penn Freshmen Only Applied Because "Elon Musk Went There"

Incoming freshman Jeff Clarke (W '22) exclaimed that his idolization of Musk encouraged him to pursue the unbelievably original academic combination of Finance AND Computer Science.


​Large East Village Apartment Smells Suspiciously Of Being Paid For By Parents

Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.


Trump Cites "Way Too Many Fucking Canadians At Penn" As Reason For Strict New Tariffs

As hoards of cold-weather loving, OVO sweater-wearing Toronto Raptors fans continue to populate every crevice of Locust Walk, some wonder that these tariffs may have come a few Canadians too late. 


Disappointing: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Greased White House Columns For Nothing

White House Press Secretary and Supreme Arbiter of Truth Sarah Huckabee Sanders was tasked this week with preparing the White House for the arrival of the Super Bowl Champions, the Philadelphia Eagles.


​Student’s Proudest Moment of Semester Getting 500 Likes on Penn Meme Page

College sophomore Justin Rankin finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA, completed writing seminar requirement, and internship at a Fortune 500 company.


​High School Reunion Uneventful: No One’s Gotten Fat Yet

Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.


‘I’m Not Abusing This Elephant, He Loves It!’ Says Clueless Graduated Senior in Thailand

CJ Hoffman (W ’18) and fourteen of his closest Upsilon Gamma brothers wanted to treat themselves after their recent graduation. You know, since the treat of an Ivy League degree fully paid by their hardworking parents while remaining wholly financially dependent just wasn’t enough.


Wow! This Cool, Professional Summer Intern Wore a Satchel Instead of a Backpack!

On his first day of his new internship, rising Senior Carl Jefferson entered the office feeling perplexed. Accustomed to crowds of students wearing similar backpacks across campus, he was shocked to see a sudden disappearance of this accessory he had come to love and respect. 


Report: 3 Residents Show Up to Free Diamond-Cutting Event Advertised in Rodin Listserv

As a study break during finals week, Rodin College House recently hosted a diamond-cutting workshop in its Rooftop Lounge. The event, held on the evening of the last day of classes, was free of charge to any Rodin resident and allowed each participant to walk away with a small but precious cut diamond. 


Penn Researchers Discover 89% of Boys Don’t Know How to Smile in Photos

This Wednesday, a interdisciplinary research team from the Penn Fine Arts Department and the School of Dental Medicine published the results of a groundbreaking study. Approximately 89.43% of individuals who identify as male don’t really know how to smile in photos.


Student Whose Dad Got Him Internship Thinks "Penn Students Are Way Too Privileged"

Victor Randal hates many things about Penn. Far too frequently, he can be spotted roaming campus and presenting his controversial opinions, regularly complaining about the privilege and entitlement amongst his peers. 


Brave! Wharton Freshman Decides to Do Finance for a Few Years Before Going Into Philanthropy

Wharton freshman Ethan Browdy has decided to enter the finance industry for a few years before launching a non-profit startup.


Girl Who Refuses to Actively Support Friend in Any Way Comments "wow u r literally perfect" on Friend's Profile Picture

No way! In a shocking turn of events, Margaret Benson (C '18), someone with a friendship track record that is shitty at best, has suddenly decided to be nice to her friend Sarah Goldstein (C '18) on social media


Death Rate of Squirrels on College Green Skyrockets; Penn Researchers Blame Toxic Environment

An alarming number of squirrels have recently been found dead on College Green. With so few showing signs of physical trauma, many assumed that this string of deaths was due to chemical poisoning.


​Pre-Freshman Excited To Access Over 6 Million Library Books, With Even More Available Through InterLibrary Loans

Morgan Bernstein (C ’22) is eager to access the 6,540,557 physical volumes held in the Penn Libraries collection when she arrives on campus next fall.


Junior Rejected From Summer Internships Goes Back to Starting Fake Companies Again

He created a hip new startup that was a crowdsourced way to choose your own driver, or “Tinder for Uber” as he called it. Since he was a determined, Type A, business-minded hustler, he called up a few of his more technically inclined friends to code the app, after which they were promised equity and experience for their resume.


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