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News


English Major Doesn't Actually Know How to Read, Just A Dumbass Who's Good at Guessing

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read.


Plot Twist: Guy Wearing Suit to Class is Not Recruiting, Just an Asshole

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).


5 Sex Positions For Horny Freshmen Sleeping in Kings Court Lounges

Hey, you sultry Kings Court residents. Have things been getting too steamy in your bedroom? No, literally, have you resorted to sleeping on the filthy couches and floor of your first floor lounge to escape attempting to fall asleep in a puddle of your own sweat? Knew it.


Itchy Tag on New Shirt First Thing Junior Hates More Than Self

For decades, self-esteem of College junior Joelle Simmons has been low. While most in her demographic of white, upper middle class, Ivy League women have mid-level self-esteem, often referring to themselves as “fine” or “a little bloated,” Simmons’ self-esteem was far lower. One close friend noted that Simmons’ self-esteem was so low, her automatic email sign off was simply, “I’m sorry.”


PennApps' New Shower Stations Go Unused

In response to the overwhelming stench which wafted through the hallways of the Towne building during PennApps 2017, this year’s organizers decided to place fully-functional shower booths at each corner of the event space. Surprising to nobody but unfortunate to many, these booths remained empty for the entire weekend.


Freshman Excited to Live on His Own Won’t Do Laundry Until Fall Break

Ah, NSO. The sweet smell of freedom in the air. No parents, no rules, no repercussions for public intoxication. We met up with a particularly eager Wharton freshman, Aaron Abramovitz, who reflected on this new stage of life. 


What Freshmen Had to Say About the Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy

While you may have attended the toga party during your orientation week, hopefully you didn't miss out on Penn's Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy. Always a hit amongst freshmen, staff, faculty, and alumni alike, we checked in with some (anonymous) underclassmen to get their reactions on the event.


Girl Who Spent Summer Masturbating Out of Boredom Can't Wait to Masturbate to Relieve Stress

While most Penn students spent their summers at world-class internships or lamenting the fact that they didn’t get one, college sophomore Rissy Clitto, Jr. had different plans. Clitto apparently spent the “vast majority of the summer masturbating in her room, only ever coming out to eat and go to the bathroom,” her mother, Rissy Clitto, Sr. stated in an interview.


Smart: This Company Will Pay For Your College Education in Exchange for Just Your Organs

Have you ever found yourself wishing that college wasn’t so expensive? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don’t even know what half of my organs are for?" Well, if you happen to have done both of those things, you're in luck! Organic Education is offering college students the deal of a lifetime—they will pay for your college education in exchange for just your organs.


US News Ranks Penn Number One in Ability to Face Federal Prosecution Later in Life

Of the thousands and thousands of universities in the world, Penn is No. 1 in students’ ability to be prosecuted on federal charges, according to The US News and World Report.


Fintech Company Executives Actually Met at NSO Toga Party

For some, networking begins on day one. CEO Jake Howard (E '10) and CFO Adam Kaminsky (W '10) of CryptoCrack, a revolutionary fintech company that describes itself as the “Venmo, Square, and Robinhood of Crypto,” reveal the story of how they met—during New Student Orientation of their freshman year.


Sophomore Says Hi to All Her Acquaintances at Darty, Can Finally Leave

As NSO rolls around, so do all those Facebook darty invites. Of course, Carolina Cortes (C ’21), because she isn’t rude, replied ‘going’ to all of them: to panthers, to gorillas, and, yes, even to scorpions. 


Report: 85% of Freshmen Haven't Come to Penn, Still Waiting for School Bus

It’s that time of year again. While most upperclassmen have settled back in their old campus haunts, Penn’s freshman halls lie mysteriously empty.


Peer Advisor Suggests Trying 'A Little Cocaine' This Semester

Junior peer advisor Julia Cole has started reaching out to her freshman advisees.  She’s encouraged them all to contact their pre-major advisor, apply to all the clubs that interest them, and to try some cocaine. 


Senior Girl With $2,400 Rent to Literally Never Leave Smokes

Christie Satterfield (C ’19) doesn’t love her new apartment at The Brian. Sure, it has super cute granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms, the most lovely waterfall shower and multi-jet bathtub, and such a quaint planetarium off the living room. But it just doesn’t feel like home sweet home.


Freshman Drops Class Because Midterm Will Conflict With Day 2 of Her Period

Lisa Wilcox (C ’22) had everything planned out. A fresh-faced pre-med student ready to take on the world and declare her BBB major (in no particular order), Wilcox was set to knock out all of her introductory science requirements by the end of her freshman spring. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans go awry.



Huntsman Closing at 2 a.m. Gives Wharton Students First Ever Urge to be Engaged

With the calm and politically gentle year of 2017, most Wharton students had no idea anything in the world was problematic enough to be deserving of a protest. 


5 Dorm Decorations That Will Make People Think You’re Fun and Cool

If you’re not an international student or from New York, it can be hard to make an impactful first impression. 


Rising Junior Ecstatic to Return to Wearing Athleisure Every Day

According to a school-wide survey, Alex Travers (W ’20) is one of the six students excited to return to school this month.


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