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News


​Pre-Freshman Excited To Access Over 6 Million Library Books, With Even More Available Through InterLibrary Loans

Morgan Bernstein (C ’22) is eager to access the 6,540,557 physical volumes held in the Penn Libraries collection when she arrives on campus next fall.


Junior Rejected From Summer Internships Goes Back to Starting Fake Companies Again

He created a hip new startup that was a crowdsourced way to choose your own driver, or “Tinder for Uber” as he called it. Since he was a determined, Type A, business-minded hustler, he called up a few of his more technically inclined friends to code the app, after which they were promised equity and experience for their resume.


Junior Who Thought They Were Cool for Hanging out with Only Seniors Scrambling to Lock Down Friends for Next Year

Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.


Penn to Replace All Math Professors with Cardboard Cutouts of Old Dudes and Khan Academy Videos

This move comes after several complaints from the student body regarding the performance of professors in the math department, along with a string of budget cuts from the administration.


Report: 90% of Premeds Would Definitely Eat Their Best Friends if Trapped on a Deserted Island

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 


Friend Also Bully

In a stunning show of range, local friend Josh Laby (W '18) has also established himself as a bully to his small circle of friends.


Student has Photo Booth Birds Above Head in Fake ID Picture – Frat Bouncers Still Give him Wristbands

Before arriving at Penn, Seiji Sample (C ’21) had no idea he would need a fake ID, but within the first week he already saw fellow freshmen going in on orders together. Sample, a sensitive soul, had a little trouble finding friends during NSO. As a result, he missed out these orders.


Clogs Now Required to Enter the Kelly Writers House

This rule may seem extreme; however, when it is actually enforced in the Fall, it will change very little. Studies from the last four years show that on average, 98% of people in the Writers House at any given time were sporting clogs. 


Bold! This Student Went Home to Study During Reading Days and Never Came Back

Finals season is upon us, and many students from the area are migrating home to increase their productivity while they prepare for exams. Allie Gross (E '20) is among the homeward bound, but one thing sets her apart from her peers: Allie has no intention of returning to campus this year.


DP Opinion Columnist in Critical Condition After Suffering Burns From Flaming Hot Take

It is undeniable that being a journalist comes with its risks. DP Opinion Columnist Martina Salvatore became far too familiar with this reality earlier today, when she suffered third-degree burns from the unquenchable flames of her latest "hot take." 


Group Member Roasting Senior at Arts Show Actually Meant It

“Sanjay, I’ve never despised a person more than you in my entire time at Penn," he began. "Remember when you tried to transfer to Wharton after freshman year and failed miserably? What was your GPA again—like 3.85? Idiot!”the truth hurts.


​Friends and Huntsman Automatic Sinks Stopped Noticing Student

William O’Brien (C ’18) is about to graduate, but is already feeling sad and lonely, nervous about what his new life would bring. His days are numbered and now more than ever he wants to be noticed.


Junior Promised Paradise at Hamilton Court Gets Stuck in Construction Site Instead

Marc Ross (W ’19) is tired of getting deceived. After failing to reconnect with a friend from Quaker Days, his plan for next year's living situation was in shambles.


Entrepreneurial Win: This Wharton Student Books GSRs to Auction Off to Measly College Students

It may be finals week, but that doesn’t mean business has to stop. Justin Kanter (W '19) didn’t want to suppress his entrepreneurial spirit just because of finals, but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly profit off of the masses while everyone was studying.


Oh Shit: Dude You Were Teabagging in Fortnite Was Actually Your Chem TA

Next time you try to blow off some steam by bullying 12-year-olds on video games, make sure that the "stupid kid" isn't your Chem TA.


Decision to Not Grab Napkins With Food Proving to Be Big Mistake

With hot sauce dripping down his hands and onto his lap, Engineering sophomore William Morris is beginning to realize that his decision to forgo napkins with his food truck burrito was a big mistake.


Fraternity Philanthropy Win: Donate Your Juul To Help Support West Philly Schools

In a unprecedented display of benevolence and charity, fraternity Zeta Alpha Gamma is reaching out across campus to collected new and used Juul cartridges to donate to underserved kids in the West Philadelphia school system.


Four Ways to Make a String-And-Can Telephone to Cheat on Finals

1. Use a string from the string store and a can from the can store.


Professor Has Been Speaking Into Unplugged Mic for Entire Semester

At the start of every class, Professor Rosenberg adjusts the microphone on the podium at the front of the classroom. He taps on it twice to get the students’ attention, and then begins his lecture.


Report: PennCard Getting Way More Action Than Student

If you don’t count checkout lines, Winston Zheng (E ‘20) hasn’t been within five feet of a woman in months.


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