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News


All NSO Events Preemptively Moved to HUP Emergency Room

Citing low attendance in years past to mandatory New Student Orientation events, the University announced Monday that all events this year will be held at its hospital’s emergency room. The move is part of an effort to make attending NSO events more convenient for freshmen.


Uh Oh! New Pool Party Dress Code Excludes Jerseys, Crop Tops, and Privilege

The dress code states that, “under no circumstance are sports jerseys allowed in the vicinity. Please find hip, alternative ways to assert your stomach-churning masculinity. We have faith in you.


NSO Seminar to Teach Mechanisms for Coping With Father’s Indictment While at Penn

The “Daddy Issues: Legal Trouble in the Penn Bubble” seminar will be mandatory for all students whose family names are attached to campus buildings.


Foodie Alert! Incoming Freshman Has Already Secured 5 Zahav Reservations

The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, rather than a worm, Elizabeth Rogers (C '22) will be getting some Golden Beets and a Syrian Lamb Kabob.


Woah! Andrew Is an Incoming Finance Concentrator at The Wharton School

“I thought when I told the world 2 years in advance that I would be an Investment Banking Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs, no one could be bolder. But this, this is bold.”


Heartbreaking: "Serial Entrepreneur" Suffering Withdrawal After Not Starting a Fake Company in the Past Two Weeks

When he opened his first lemonade stand at the age of 4, Goldberg knew that he was bound to become a true business mogul. Within years, he had claimed to be the "CEO, Co-Founder, and President" of over a dozen companies.


Sad: Wharton Students Will Be the First Ones Guillotined in the Class War

For years, the people have been struggling underneath your iron boot. But, when they link arms and liberate themselves of their yokes, they are coming for Wharton students first.


Lonely Student at Penn Over the Summer BYOs Banana Leaf By Himself

One family of 4 reportedly witnessed him "slapping the bag by himself," and begging their 4 and 6-year old children to have a boat race with him.


Amy Wax Accepts New Job as General Counsel of Papa John's

"I think it will be a great fit," stated a spokesman from the company. "Professor Wax has shown to be a huge admirer of pizza in the past."


New App Helps to Find Most Convenient Ladies’ Bathrooms in DRL

"Honestly, we recommend recycling your urine like a hibernating bear, but not everyone has the biological capabilities to do this yet. Rest assured, there is a team of engineers and pre-med students working to solve this problem immediately.”


Intern From Ivy League University Holds Most Expensive Qualifications to Print and File Papers

"If he didn't get an A+ in his Advanced Quantum Computing course, there's no way we would have hired him to do this critical work for our organization."


Internships Expose Students to Full-Time Employment—‘This Sucks,’ Say Students

"How was I supposed to know I can’t just skip? Apparently, they take attendance every day. Total buzzkill."


Wow! This Frat Guy Who Played FIFA Once Knows More About the World Cup Than You!

Thomas, who has recently placed 3rd in a frat-wide FIFA tournament, harnessed his intellectual brilliance to memorize the names of as many soccer players as possible so that he could sound intelligent when discussing the World Cup.


BREAKING: Trump Selects Amy Wax as Supreme Court Pick

The two reportedly have a great deal in common, including their political views, their thoughts on the legal system, and the amount of minorities who actively support them. 


Greatest Student of All-Time Crushes Final After Mediocre Midterms

Of course all of this happened while his over-achieving peer in the College, Christian Roberts (C ’19), maintained his pristine academic performance.


SHOCKING: Amy Gutmann Wearing "I Really Don't Care Do U?" Jacket While Visiting CAPS

Gutmann insisted that there was no hidden meaning behind the jacket. "It's a jacket. There was no message. Haven't you guys been getting my emails?!"


Following in UChicago’s Footsteps, Wharton Removes Stock Pitch From Application Requirements

"We're bullish on creativity and bearish on rigid requirements," remarked Frank Harris, Dean of Wharton Undergraduate Admissions. "We have realized that it is unfair to expect applicants to successfully walk us through a discounted cash flow analysis and a comparable companies analysis."


REPORT: 73% of Incoming Penn Freshmen Only Applied Because "Elon Musk Went There"

Incoming freshman Jeff Clarke (W '22) exclaimed that his idolization of Musk encouraged him to pursue the unbelievably original academic combination of Finance AND Computer Science.


​Large East Village Apartment Smells Suspiciously Of Being Paid For By Parents

Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.


Trump Cites "Way Too Many Fucking Canadians At Penn" As Reason For Strict New Tariffs

As hoards of cold-weather loving, OVO sweater-wearing Toronto Raptors fans continue to populate every crevice of Locust Walk, some wonder that these tariffs may have come a few Canadians too late. 


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