While the COVID-19 test typically determines whether someone is positive or negative for the virus, Biden received a not-so-shocking additional result, that he is in fact a lame ass bitch nerd loser. 

Trump is usually so good at coming up with his own hoaxes so it’s just a little disappointing to see him play into someone else’s this time.

Under the Button gathered the top scientists and most powerful microscopes in the world to help find where the fuck Spring Break went. 

When you cook your Chonky Seal, you’re going to want to put virgin olive oil in the pan and let it warm. Throw a few crushed cloves of garlic and let it cook until translucent.  

”Every time I tried to get a word out, another white guy was interrupting me. I felt like a woman trying to talk in a humanities class!“

“Sure, the greater Philadelphia area faces an opioid epidemic, but the real crime is my dealer trying to charge me $100 for a gram of coke.”

“It’s more of a plan D than anything. Plans A through C fell through because they involved actually selling clothing.”

What was worst of all by far, was that the moving crew felt the need to ship Bubbles back to her in the same box as her winter coats. 

Stiller: [Gesturing wildly to the Cloisonne Lion statues] "Do you see these guys? Huh?! Do you have any idea what these bastards did to me last night?!"

This picture might look like expired milk, but what I imagine this picture smells like and what I imagine Joe Biden smells like are exactly the same. 

"I kinda felt bad about it at first because I am an Environmental Studies Major. And I feel like I'm killing the dolphins. But you know what? Fuck the dolphins. They can swim away from their family and I can't!" 

Maybe I'll just enter the call without video but put "I'm a 10, btw" in the chat.

Just accept it already: all the world’s a stage, and we are no more than John Quiñones’ unknowing play-things.

I approached the bench, unbuttoned, ready to wizz... when Ben hopped up shouting, "Enough of this shit. I'm going to make y'all as wet as my old French mistresses!" Breeches down, he soaked us with 33 years of alcohol-infused piss.

Upon hearing of the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, affectionately called "RBG," hundreds flocked to the supreme court steps to honor her memory. But one man, Barry B. Fuddled went to the supreme court steps to honor another fallen hero, or so he thought. 

Pandemic hatred is a perfect excuse to cut out all the annoying acquaintances in your life and those few unfortunate anti-mask friends that you let slide before. 

Since getting back in the swing of things, Garcia has taken great pleasure in closely examining her eyebrows throughout her statistics class.

Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards 

I waited patiently as we put eggs, milk, and butter in our cart. I watched cautiously as my mom put fruits and veggies into our cart. By the time Mom put the bread in the cart I was getting antsy. I couldn't stop thinking about my special treat.

 “So please, for the safety of the school, wear a Drexel T-shirt when you go out, and don’t forget…..Go Dragons!"