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News


Man Books GSR to Eat Chipotle and Stare at the Wall; God Immediately Damns Him to Hell

An unidentified man recently booked a Group Study Room on the ground floor of Huntsman Hall to eat his Chipotle bowl and stare at the wall.


'This is the Hardest Week, and Then I’m Done,' Says Junior Every Week Since February

Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.


​Crafty Student Puts Avocado on Scantron Sheet to Increase Test's Value

Let’s face it: avocados are expensive. Even if you cook at home, the fruit is $2.00 at the supermarket. So Robison, realizing that avocado as an ingredient increases the value of any food item, decided to apply that same principle to her most recent statistics exam.


Senior Gets MERT'd for the First Time At Their Last Penn BYO Ever

Rachael Serra (C '18) had never been MERT'd before. She survived her first Penn BYO with flying colors. She even helped carry other freshmen back to the Quad. No formal or frat party could ever take her down. Rachael was classy as all hell.


This Sophomore Won’t Stop Picking at the Tiny Blemish on His Face

This year marks 14 years since the groundbreaking documentary Supersize Me was released into theaters. The film followed Morgan Spurlock, a filmmaker who ate nothing but for a month and put himself on track to become obese. The movie educated a whole generation of consumers on the dangers of fast food.


Didn't Get Tapped for a Senior Society? Here's How to be Better, You Fucking Loser

Didn't get tapped for a senior society? Don't worry, we've got you. Here's how you can snag that tap in no time flat. 


PSA: There's Only 3 Days Left to Befriend the Kid With a 30-Page Study Guide

Finals are fast approaching, and for the majority of students, that means one thing: time to start sucking up to the only student who paid attention this semester. 


History Major Unsure When World War I Started, Steers Conversation Towards Attitudes Around Women's Sexuality and Agency in Rural Arkansas in 1954

Cold calling is the worst. Deborah Tanner (C '19) was caught off guard earlier this semester when her professor, hoping to throw a history major a softball question, asked her what year World War I started in their seminar class. 


Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.


Boy Obsessed with Catcher in the Rye Thinks All His Friends Are Fake as Fuck

Notable loner and College sophomore Harrison Shawfield was spotted last Monday smoking a cigarette outside Saxbys during a torrential downpour. “Have you ever noticed how fake people are?” Shawfield inquired after beckoning us over through the curtain of rain.


Ego of the Week: The Mop at Rumor

The Ego of the Week this week is the Rumor nightclub mop. UTB sat down with the mop and heard all about the mop's role in the bustling Philadelphia clubbing scene, the mop's passions, and more!


Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area

Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.


Meet the Degenerate Who Pre-gamed His Professor's Office Hours

Saturdays may be for the boys, but Fridays are for FNCE100 Professor Joe Harris’ office hours.


Junior Boy Featured in 'My Strange Addiction' Ecstatic for Hey Day

Michael Coyle (C ’19) is just like any other junior. He spent the fall sweet talking recruiters in Saxbys, the winter feeding his blossoming alcoholism in order to cope with the stress of school, and the spring enjoying the sunshine on College Green.


Shocking! Girl Who Begins Every Text With Lowercase Letter Is Actually Not Chill at All

Sophomore Allison Jackman begins all of her texts with a lowercase letter. While it comes off as chill and casual, Jackman actually uses it to compensate for her abrasive attitude.


Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.


How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar.


Glow Up: Former High School NHS President Makes it to 9 A.M. On Time for the First Time in Months

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.


Sophomore Skips Class to Avoid Being Cold-Called

What people think of him matters a lot more, however, and that’s why he's willing to take the risk.


Junior Who's Watched 500 Hours of Gordon Ramsay Only Knows How to Yell at Roommates for Not Washing Dishes

With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. 


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