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Wawa Announces ‘All Snacks Are Free, Since You Fuckers Just Steal Them Anyway’

A spokesperson from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce announced yesterday that “all snacks that can fit in a small tote bag, or maybe a large purse” will be totally free of charge, effective immediately. Bailey Crenshaw, longtime employee and now General Manager of the beloved campus convenience store, made the statement on Wednesday to a crowd of Penn students and members of the press.


Group Project Beginning to Seriously Test Friendship

Wharton junior Casey Peterson was delighted when her best friend, Michelle Harris (C ’20), registered to join her in MKTG 205 (Intro to Subliminal buyfangstock Messaging). They only bought one copy of the textbook for the two to share and spent the first few classes blissfully mocking the boy in a suit in the front row. Neither suspected that this semester would be anything other than a sort of fun bonding experience, but then things took a dark turn.


BREAKING: Jared Wants to Know What Ethnicity You Are

Reports surfaced late last night that Jared wants to know what ethnicity you are. Curiosity peaked when you walked in the door to Sigma Omega Sigma with your five best friends, and Jared did not immediately know what your place of ancestry was.


‘I'm Really Trying to Eat Better This Year,' Says Junior Hours Before His Weekly Drunk McDonald's Visit

Mark Campbell (C ’21) is so proud of himself for sticking to his diet regimen so far. After one too many tummy pokes from his mom this summer saying how he’s so “big-boned” and seeing a bit more Commons ice cream sundaes on his thighs than he’d like, he’s finally off a meal plan and eating his fair share of fruits, veggies, and proteins.


College Sophomore Transfers to Wharton After Selling Soul for $37.48 on Free & For Sale

Talk about resourcefulness!  Damian Joseph knows a thing or two about a bargain. In his apartment, he managed to get the bigger room by only offering to pay a few hundred dollars extra. And even just last week, he managed to get a Halal chicken over rice for $4, because "the guy knows him pretty well." Now, Joseph is combining his business acumen and love of bargaining to make the most impactful transaction of his life—the sale of his soul.


BREAKING: Penn Successfully Rebrands as Most Money-Hungry Ivy

As part of its ongoing initiative to claim the title of “most money-hungry Ivy League school,” Penn announced that all sophomores will be required to live in college housing starting next year.  “Our administration has constantly strived to extract the most wealth from our students and surrounding community as possible,” a spokesperson wrote in a university-wide email. “From charging $70 for sushi at Franklin’s Table that we bought off of UberEats to gentrifying the moon, Penn has always led the charge. But today, we are confident that requiring all sophomores, regardless of financial status, to remain in Penn housing will allow our school to finally be the best at something.”


Dudes at Pregame Really Impressing Everyone by Drinking Night Before Exam

Constantly reminding all those in attendance of his impending midterm, Wharton junior Daniel Evans was the star of the pregame last Thursday, dazzling peers with his incredible display of courage, mental fortitude, and clear-cut decision making.


'I Just Like the Naked Pics,' Claims Frat Bro Passionate About Renaissance Art

Good fucking save bro. Anonymous sophomore Jack M* (name changed), a brother in Beta Omega Iota Zeta Fraternity (BOIZ) almost made a real blunder. After telling his brothers that he was going to the gym, Jack was seen by an informant at the Art Museum looking at Renaissance paintings. He had to think fast to come up with an appropriate explanation that wouldn’t make him look “weak” or “sensitive.” Quick on his feet, Jack came up with the perfect thing—he told his brothers that he just likes looking at the naked pics!


Second Year Experience Program to Offer Additional Year Of Nervously Walking Through Hallway In Towel

Earlier today, Amy Gutmann rolled out the new "Second Year Experience." The program, which will require all sophomores to live in on-campus University housing, ensures that every Penn student will be guaranteed two years of fearfully walking to the shower in just a bath towel.


Two For One! Gutmann Making Life More Difficult For Private Landlords And Students At The Same Time

Wow. Is there anything this woman can’t do? Amy Gutmann’s new Second Year Experience program, officially announced today in a campus-wide email, requires all sophomores to live in on-campus housing starting in 2021.  Of course, we expect any email coming from our President to announce changes that make life more frustrating and difficult at Penn. But to also make life more difficult for private landlords? Brilliant.


Girl Who Did Gap Year at Le Cordon Bleu Now Only Eats Lunchables

While most students dread icebreakers, College sophomore Melanie Rosenthal has a fun fact that is hard to beat. After learning of her acceptance to Penn, Rosenthal decided to take a year off to explore her passion for cooking. One year later, she entered her freshman fall with a degree from the famed cooking school, Le Cordon Bleu.


Oboe Prodigy Plans to Graduate by Taking 72 Half-Credit Music Lessons

Curt Curtis (C ‘22) had a single dream growing up. Recognized at the age of two for his precocious musical ability, Curt found himself on track to be the greatest oboe player of our generation. But it all fell apart when Curt (who had his name legally changed at the age of seven) received a rejection letter from the Curtis Institute of Music. Bitter and defeated, he settled for Penn.


Freshman in Seminar Physically Unable to Not Raise Hand

Sarah Moretti, a College freshman in URBS 254—Gender and Power in Cities of Western Europe, was found to be physically unable to not raise her hand in seminar. Moretti’s disorder was uncovered in a yearlong study through the Perelman School of Medicine. 


Engineering Freshman Not Wearing Cargo Shorts and Free T-Shirt Forced to Transfer

Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress. Instead of conforming to wear cargo shorts and a “Venmo” or “King’s Court ‘22” tee every day, Adebayo often wears joggers in addition to his favorite PennApps shirt, or, occasionally, his $800 Supreme hoodie.


No Huntsman No Problem: The Best 24 Hour Spots to Fuck

Sure, Huntsman closing means you need to find new 24-hour study spaces. But more importantly: where on campus are you going to fuck while your roommate is sleeping?


After Foregoing Straws, Cheryl Set to be Only One Invited to Heaven When World Burns in Hellfire

For centuries, it has been clear that God has a limited number of spots in heaven, and for centuries, humans have debated who would get those spots.  Some thought the Catholics would be chosen, some thought it would be the Muslims, others thought it would be non-violent activists. All of them were wrong. Today God announced Cheryl Wineman (N '21) will be the only one going to heaven when the world burns in hellfire, because she committed to not using plastic straws.


Penn Vet in Lockdown After Humanoid Amphibian Escapes Its Tank

Penn Vet’s Secret Experimentation Center went into lockdown last night after a humanoid amphibian they were studying escaped its tank, University officials stated.


Science Explains: Homophobes Are Extra Active This Month Because Mercury Is in Heterograde

Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.


Students With No Experience or Knowledge Compete to Be Consultants Providing Companies Their Experience and Knowledge

A record number of inexperienced, unknowledgeable students are participating in on-campus recruitment for top consulting firms, positions that would pay them for their experience and knowledge. Michael Burke (E ’19) completed a second round interview with Boston Consulting Group. “I’m interested in consulting because you get to use your expertise to help companies solve their problems,” Michael said. “It’s cool because I am not an expert in anything and I’ve never solved a single problem, but they’ll still pay me to do that.”


Holy Shit! Freshman Stepped on Compass, Got Wrecked by Midterm

Kevin Jeffress (E ’22) was off to a hot start at Penn. He had a seamless move-in experience, an unforgettable NSO, and managed to go to Pottruck every single morning for close to a month. Everything changed, however, the moment Jeffress stepped on the Compass en route to the Upper Quad Gate. Six hours later, he fell victim to a Math 114 midterm. 


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