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News


Junior Promised Paradise at Hamilton Court Gets Stuck in Construction Site Instead

Marc Ross (W ’19) is tired of getting deceived. After failing to reconnect with a friend from Quaker Days, his plan for next year's living situation was in shambles.


Entrepreneurial Win: This Wharton Student Books GSRs to Auction Off to Measly College Students

It may be finals week, but that doesn’t mean business has to stop. Justin Kanter (W '19) didn’t want to suppress his entrepreneurial spirit just because of finals, but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly profit off of the masses while everyone was studying.


Oh Shit: Dude You Were Teabagging in Fortnite Was Actually Your Chem TA

Next time you try to blow off some steam by bullying 12-year-olds on video games, make sure that the "stupid kid" isn't your Chem TA.


Decision to Not Grab Napkins With Food Proving to Be Big Mistake

With hot sauce dripping down his hands and onto his lap, Engineering sophomore William Morris is beginning to realize that his decision to forgo napkins with his food truck burrito was a big mistake.


Fraternity Philanthropy Win: Donate Your Juul To Help Support West Philly Schools

In a unprecedented display of benevolence and charity, fraternity Zeta Alpha Gamma is reaching out across campus to collected new and used Juul cartridges to donate to underserved kids in the West Philadelphia school system.


Four Ways to Make a String-And-Can Telephone to Cheat on Finals

1. Use a string from the string store and a can from the can store.


Professor Has Been Speaking Into Unplugged Mic for Entire Semester

At the start of every class, Professor Rosenberg adjusts the microphone on the podium at the front of the classroom. He taps on it twice to get the students’ attention, and then begins his lecture.


Report: PennCard Getting Way More Action Than Student

If you don’t count checkout lines, Winston Zheng (E ‘20) hasn’t been within five feet of a woman in months.


Man Books GSR to Eat Chipotle and Stare at the Wall; God Immediately Damns Him to Hell

An unidentified man recently booked a Group Study Room on the ground floor of Huntsman Hall to eat his Chipotle bowl and stare at the wall.


'This is the Hardest Week, and Then I’m Done,' Says Junior Every Week Since February

Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.


​Crafty Student Puts Avocado on Scantron Sheet to Increase Test's Value

Let’s face it: avocados are expensive. Even if you cook at home, the fruit is $2.00 at the supermarket. So Robison, realizing that avocado as an ingredient increases the value of any food item, decided to apply that same principle to her most recent statistics exam.


Senior Gets MERT'd for the First Time At Their Last Penn BYO Ever

Rachael Serra (C '18) had never been MERT'd before. She survived her first Penn BYO with flying colors. She even helped carry other freshmen back to the Quad. No formal or frat party could ever take her down. Rachael was classy as all hell.


This Sophomore Won’t Stop Picking at the Tiny Blemish on His Face

This year marks 14 years since the groundbreaking documentary Supersize Me was released into theaters. The film followed Morgan Spurlock, a filmmaker who ate nothing but for a month and put himself on track to become obese. The movie educated a whole generation of consumers on the dangers of fast food.


Didn't Get Tapped for a Senior Society? Here's How to be Better, You Fucking Loser

Didn't get tapped for a senior society? Don't worry, we've got you. Here's how you can snag that tap in no time flat. 


PSA: There's Only 3 Days Left to Befriend the Kid With a 30-Page Study Guide

Finals are fast approaching, and for the majority of students, that means one thing: time to start sucking up to the only student who paid attention this semester. 


History Major Unsure When World War I Started, Steers Conversation Towards Attitudes Around Women's Sexuality and Agency in Rural Arkansas in 1954

Cold calling is the worst. Deborah Tanner (C '19) was caught off guard earlier this semester when her professor, hoping to throw a history major a softball question, asked her what year World War I started in their seminar class. 


Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.


Boy Obsessed with Catcher in the Rye Thinks All His Friends Are Fake as Fuck

Notable loner and College sophomore Harrison Shawfield was spotted last Monday smoking a cigarette outside Saxbys during a torrential downpour. “Have you ever noticed how fake people are?” Shawfield inquired after beckoning us over through the curtain of rain.


Ego of the Week: The Mop at Rumor

The Ego of the Week this week is the Rumor nightclub mop. UTB sat down with the mop and heard all about the mop's role in the bustling Philadelphia clubbing scene, the mop's passions, and more!


Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area

Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.


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