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News


Online Classes Huge Victory for Anti-Pants Community

Numerous Undergrads Decrying wEaring-pants (NUDE) put out an official statement delineating their position on the crisis.


Help! Wendell Pritchett Just Broke Into My Apartment and Started Boxing Up My Stuff

He refused to tell me how he even entered my apartment and just told me that I need to "get the fuck out of here right now".


Faithful! For Lent, Susie Is Giving Up

Susie details her plan to “give up” as sitting in her room in bed until Easter, eating ramen, watching Netflix, and crying.


Local 14 Year Old Feels Validated Knowing God Also Plays Pandemic 2

The game has 16 million plays and its user approval rating is 98%. Said Richie, “Of course God plays Pandemic 2. He basically crafted it himself.” 


Seniors Return as Senior Citizens to Be Honored With Commencement Ceremony

Please save the date! We hope to see you for the class of 2020 Commencement Ceremony at the Amy Gutmann field house on May 17th, 2075!


“SEPTA is Not Bad,” Says Student Who Can't Leave Philly

While he could not claim to have ever even left the Philadelphia area nor will he be allowed to for quite some time, Schurr refused to believe anything could top his weekly commutes.


Embarrassing: Student Tries to Submit Question on Pizza

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.


Penn Closes in Solidarity With Fro Gro

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense.


No Hand Sanitizer, No Problem: Dave Just Stocked up on Dove for Men 3 in 1

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Dave later reported from quarantine. “How could so many shoppers be wasting their money buying hand soap, shampoo, and hand sanitizer, when you could just buy a bottle of 3 in 1 for half the price?”


Dedicated! This Student Has Been Socially Distancing Herself From Hometown Friends Since High School

Under the Button reached out to every single one of Greenfield’s high school friends, and was able to get in contact with all both.


Penn to Administer All Spring Exams Through Kahoot

Answer choices include the red triangle, blue diamond, yellow circle, and green square.


Professor Going to Be That Close to Camera Entire Zoom Call

As the conference call began for URBS 250: City Planning for Climate Change, students began to realize that Professor Stanley Markowitz was going to be that close to the camera the entire call.


Penn to Introduce Troll Under 38th Street Bridge

Professor Devito will live directly under the bridge but may come out at night and surprise students. 


Sad! My Computer Gives Me Drexel Ads Because It Knows I'm Not Smart Enough for Penn

You know what they say, “cheaters never win,” and I’m learning just how true that is. My laptop is fighting for academic integrity. In short, my computer keeps giving me Drexel ads because it KNOWS that I don’t belong here.


Penn Dining Now Takes Drexel Dining Dollars: Just Like Everywhere Else

The University declined to respond, citing the inability to hear concerns over the sound of money pouring in from freshman dining plans. 


8 Easy Classes You Can Take Senior Fall Because You Dropped a CU Every Semester

You thought that dropping a class in the middle of a party, because you didn't want to study for the midterm, was funny. You thought that it was a party trick. It became your party trick. 


Depressing: All Known Areas of Study Just Become Staring at Excel Spreadsheets Sooner or Later

“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”


Oh Fuck: Your Professor Just Said the Fuck Word

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”


Wharton Behavioral Lab Finds Penn Students Will Do “Literally Anything” for $5

"I’d do a lot of stuff for $10. Like I mean, while I do value my dignity, my valuation of it is only $6 — on a good day.”


Survey Finds Most Popular Beer Among Architecture Majors to Be Natural Light

Keystone Light came in at a close second.


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