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News


BREAKING: Piazza Response Not Entirely Passive Aggressive

"I remember asking a question about a homework problem, and a gentleman replied by asking me 'What does it mean to know?'"


Meal Prep God! Girl Puts 7 Water Bottles in the Fridge

Ashley Banks (C ‘20) really wants to save money this semester.


Stop the Presses: Girl With 178 Free T-Shirts Denounces Free T-Shirts

Carol Brown began her collection with her college house t-shirt on her first day on campus.


Senior Wants to 'Travel the World' as Long as That World is Within Western Europe

“I just feel like I have a wandering spirit. I can’t be tied down.” 


Freshman Who Has Kept Busy Workload 'Totally Under Control' Unaware that Laundry has Overflowed, Caught on Fire

Freshman Tanner Johnson (W '22) knew that when he came to Penn, the workload would be difficult.


‘Student Athlete' Misses Group's Meeting for 4th Week in a Row to Participate in Fantasy Football Game

Johnny Lawson (C '21) takes a sip of gatorade. It’s the fourth quarter, he’s down eight points and it all comes down to this.


'I Kissed a Girl at a Party Once,' Says Woman Applying to Goldman Sachs Pride Summit

It’s official: Katie Landman (W ’21) is now Penn’s female queer icon.


Amazing: Senior Just Took a Major W on Transcript

After weeks of non-stop recruiting and programming assignments, the NETS major decided he needed to take a W.


Study Finds Cocaine Usage Plummets in November Due to Increase in Icky Nose Boogers

"Frankly, we are shocked by these findings. We always thought sniffling when it gets a little chilly was a result of cocaine usage."


University Follows Penn Students’ Abbreviation Obsession: Purple Replaces Red and Blue as Official School Color

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Much of the outcry has come from alumni who had just bought red and blue apparel for their two-month-old children.


Advanced Registration Fail: Freshman Still Trying to Find Course Codes for Lunch and Recess

For Engineering freshman Jasper Tisdale, the two weeks allotted for this task still won't be enough. 


Math 508 Midterm Literally Just Getting Crushed by a Falling Anvil

With midterm season in full swing, many Penn professors are looking for innovative ways to make things more interesting for themselves.


3 (Creative!) Things to Turn Into When You See Your Tinder Match on Locust

To Tinder users who are on the app just for some thumb action, here are three things you can turn into when you (inevitably) run into that rando you super-liked for no reason at all! 


BREAKING: Girls Wearing Matching White Adidas Want You to Go to Their Sorority's Philanthropy Event

She was wearing Stan Smiths and would wave flyers in front of passersby, at times even forcing the slips of paper into victims’ mouths.


Heartbreaking: This Sophomore Only Knows What Day of the Week it is Because of 'The Daily'

For College sophomore Sofie Perez, every day is a waking temporal nightmare.


Report: Air Quality in Hotboxed VP Bathroom Better Than Average Room in Quad

The report comes after the discovery of mold in several rooms in the Quad.


Wharton Sophomore Proudly Declares No Need to Go East of Steiny-D Ever Again

Wharton sophomore Aguistin Latimer always wanted a small campus vibe.


Report: 70% of Penn Undergrads Still Can't Cook Anything Except Mushy Pasta

Although almost a full week has passed since the release of this report, President Amy Gutmann has yet to comment on the matter.


Man Tries Desperately to Absorb Sunlight Before Sun Disappears for Five Months

College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body.


Voting Along Party Lines, Student Selects 'D' for Every Answer on Econ Midterm

Bowers said on exiting Towne “I’m just hoping a lot more people made the choice I made today. Because if not, the curve is really going to fuck me over.” 


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