“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”

Our die-hard fans know — sometimes, UTB writers seem very sad and not ok. Our fans are not wrong! Some of our writers should get some help right now. 

The sick, twisted minds behind West and Down will be moving their establishment to an abandoned fish factory in Croatia. The owners said, “We are really excited about the new direction of West and Down, and we know our business model will flourish at Skuša-Šnjur Tvornica.”

“Kelsey just drinks a frighteningly small amount,” said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous.

The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.”

“It ultimately came down to us endorsing a candidate we thought could stay awake during a Congressional hearing,” the Center wrote in a statement. “Mr. Biden isn’t senile… but he’s not not senile.” 

She needed to drop all her old friends before she could add the new ones because they just wouldn’t fit together. Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as her plan was, it was doomed to fail. Homstaller was not paying enough attention to the add deadline and ended up dropping all of her friends just before the deadline passed.

I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.  

When pressed, Moffit admitted that she can only achieve orgasm if there is a Leuchtturm1917 college-ruled notebook in her immediate vicinity.

Everyone knows that a strut is trendier than a walk, so it should come as no shock that the highly vaunted magazine has chosen this name. The real question is, what took them so long?

McKenzie was really feeling herself that night and decided she wanted to share with her devoted Instagram followers just how great she was feeling. And what better way than with a nude on her rinsta! “Iconic!!”

"I just think that private enterprise is fundamentally corrupt," remarked Rogers, as he exited his first-class airplane seat returning from his interview which could have easily been conducted via Skype.

Joseph, a high school student with an average 5k time, is one of 10 top students in her 80-person private school class. On top of that, she did research at Penn—and not even for a family friend. 

What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know. 

In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air. 

According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.

Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again.

 “We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project.  The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances. 

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.

Canada Goose hopes this will contribute to both stopping climate change and the bad press from PETA.