There was simply no other explanation for scoring so abysmally. The gigantic “BAD” written across the bottom of the page? Done between self-satisfied sips of piña colada, Juarez figured.

The truck was called “FedEx,” which I assumed to be some version of Tex Mex.

Mendez proceeded to spend the rest of the recitation lightly resting his chin on the hand, leaving the X in view of quite literally everyone in the class. 

She wondered if she had been misled when she visited Penn during spring break in her junior year of high school. “There were people playing frisbee on College Green,” she said. “Their serotonin levels seemed perfectly balanced.”

Certain Alabama senators have already taken the lead, and a ban of anyone under 65 voting may be underway. Some other architects of society have proposed legislation for banning the existence of non-boomers.

Jenny Buchmann is just trying to “fuck shit up” with her “girl gang." 

“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”

We do reserve the right to refuse you service if you form a single line.

“Oops, sorry about that,” Lowell said as his gangly, spider-like appendages knocked yet another MacBook onto the dusty auditorium carpet. Unfortunately, no amount of wincing or uncomfortable squeezing could halt Lowell’s pursuit of his classroom confidante. 

“We have set up curtains and cardboard mattresses in the lecture halls and classrooms in DRL,” said Penn Facilities in a statement released to the student body, “Classes will continue to be held in DRL. Just step over the sleeping students.”

Your name’s not Michael Fassbender, dummy! Your name’s Eric!

God exists. I’ve seen him. He’s always there, in the bookshop, tip-tapping away at his little computer. The image of sage wisdom and omniscient knowledge. Peering over his glasses, looking down at his desk just as he peers down at the rest of us. What’s he doing in there, at all hours of the night? What a vigilant soldier he is, guarding his little bookstore. 

Attempts to reschedule the meeting have not proceeded smoothly. Lin has an exam on Wednesday, so she can’t spare any time before then for some reason, and reports that the other group member can’t meet anytime other than 1:30-2:00 A.M. on February 3rd, 2020.

Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.

Recent studies have shown that you should not use LinkedIn. Other studies have shown that LinkedIn is good to use; this, however, is not the case.

From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.

With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.

Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory.

The recent closure of Bobby’s Burger Palace has left many students perplexed with a complex issue. Where can they go to drown their weekly sorrows in large, chilled, probably overpriced milkshakes? Students of the “Penn Students Who Love or Appreciate Milkshakes and Other Ice Cream Based Beverages Social Group,” otherwise known as PSWLOAMAOICBBSG for short, no longer feel that their passion can be shared in the open anymore.

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore.