Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  

A difference of a half hour can be absolutely crucial.

The decision to declare a flood advisory was reached "after careful deliberation of a number of factors," chief among them being the presence of several hundred "exceptionally horny" students waiting to catch a glimpse of the Queer Eye star in the flesh.

Given the recent departures of Health and Safety Officer John Kelly and Philanthropy Chair Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, this recruitment cycle is going to be a numbers game for the administration.

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 

"That’s the pen I used to ace the SATs!"

While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.

I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together. 

If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.

I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.

Universally known to be a “gigantic fuck-up,” giving a pledge a sock calls for his immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council.

Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.

I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.

She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.

The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications. 

Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.

Frontera takes a month to make a sandwich, so really, all things considered, it's pretty impressive that they might be able to close entirely within just a few months. The scariest part about Frontera closing is that it's possible that they'll close before finishing someone's meal.

“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk.