When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated. 

From the moment he received his PennCard that sunny August 22nd, Charles Chavez (C ‘22) knew he was cut out for excellence.

The first few students said things like "the opportunity to study at this school" (nerd) or "my metabolism" (weird flex but okay).

The study accounted for the entire spectrum of clubs at Penn: from consulting groups, to service groups, to very funny satire publications, to less funny satire publications.

"Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?"

Tired of falling off your dinky little road bike every time you hit a Philly street crater?

As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).

Zoo-Pals, the beloved paper plates that double as friends, pair perfectly with the sophisticated, sometimes-good cuisine served up at Commons.

Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.

On a campus which was awash in a midterm voting rush just weeks ago, wouldn’t these students who claim to be politically active on American issues be aware of one the biggest economic events of the past decade?

According to its website, the Honor Council “is an undergraduate student body that promotes academic integrity and honorable conduct in the Penn community.” According to an eyewitness, however, the Honor Council “resembled a clan of hyenas, closely tracking the trail of an abandoned, limping gazelle fawn.”

People are advised to avoid the scene until further notice.

"I’m going to get absolutely fucked by this bio midterm regardless of how I try to prepare, and I’m not on birth control or anything, so I’d better be safe and get Plan B."

When Erin Zheng met Emily O’Byron for the first time on Quaker Days, it was love at first sight (but in, like, a completely platonic roommate sort of way). 

At this point in the semester, every Penn freshman has either learned to sneak Tupperware out of the dining halls or learned to sneak other, non-TupperwareTM plastic containers out of the dining halls.

When the Starbucks on 34th and Chestnut streets announced that it would close in early December, nearby Penn Law students were shaken to their core.

Who is that giggling across the table? Who else, but Dean of Admissions Eric Furda and your Uncle Mike, childishly saying the word "basted" over and over.

As a part of a special promotion for the Thanksgiving holiday, the University of Pennsylvania Bookstore has unveiled its new Wharton-branded, 25 lb. frozen turkey.

Starved of validation for the first time in her life, she’s beginning to wonder how much she really deserves to be at Penn.

“My girlfriend,” Jones confided, “really needs to talk to me about something. I love hearing what she has to say!”