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Freshman Destroys Writing Sem Portfolio in Homage to Banksy

Writing Seminar—a time-intensive rite of passage for freshmen (and more than a few seniors) which culminates into two portfolios of work, one for the midterm and one for the final.

Hoodie Allen Wins MacArthur Genius Grant for Song 'UPenn Girls'

Penn alum Steven “Hoodie Allen” Markowitz has been selected for a 2018 MacArthur Fellowship, commonly known as the “Genius Grant,”  the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation announced Thursday.

Student Claims Houston Hall Renovation Not Fancy Enough, Needs Swimming Pool

It’s never enough: College sophomore Jared Rivkin was extremely disappointed in the Houston Hall renovations unveiled this fall. “15.5 million dollars and not one swimming pool in sight,” Rivkin said. “I just don’t get it.”

Wharton Students Score Surprisingly High on Empathy Test

Since 2016, Penn completely overhauled its Wharton 101 curriculum. But a little-known part of this change? All Wharton freshman were required to take an empathy test.

Amy Wax Up In Arms Over Takedown of 'Perfectly Nice' Priests

After a year of wildly controversial and deeply prejudiced statements, Penn Law professor Amy Wax is up in arms again—this time over what she sees as the systemic takedown of careers of some “perfectly nice” priests throughout Pennsylvania.

Penn Law Professors Confer: Wanting to Fuck Gritty the Mascot Does Not Make You a Furry

"People who are sexually aroused by Gritty need not cross their legs in shame,' the law professors" statement reads. "By definition, a 'furry fetish' requires that object of desire is both non-human and abnormal in nature. In the case of Gritty, the evidence has shown that his sex appeal is anything but abnormal."

Gutmann Plans to Bulldoze Plaza on 38th and Chestnut to Build New New College House West North

Goodbye Koreana, hello Second Year Experience! After announcing mandatory on-campus living for all sophomores beginning in 2021, Gutmann has made moves to open yet another dorm—New New College House West North.

Student Planning to Take 8 C.U. Rescued By Administration, Now Only Taking 7.5

Alex Sanson (E ’20) doesn’t know when to stop. This deranged triple major has run amuck on the PennInTouch course selection page, slurping up courses like a tactless warthog at a buffet. But the madness ends today.

College of Arts and Sciences Receives Generous Donation of 1995 Windows PC

In an unprecedented display of charity, an anonymous donor has gifted the College of Arts and Sciences a 23-year-old Windows computer—the largest gift in the school’s history.

Wharton School Ranks #1 Charitable Cause Amongst Wharton Grads

A study from the Wharton Behavioral Lab released today concluded that the Wharton School is the most popular charitable cause amongst Wharton graduates. Many Wharton grads cited charitable donation as “at odds” with their strong capitalist values, saying it would likely be better for those less fortunate to “figure it out for themselves.” Donating to their alma mater, however, appears to be the happy medium. 

BREAKING: Penn Ranks #1 in Use of the Word 'Interdisciplinary' in Admissions Packets

US News reports that Penn used the word 79 times in their admissions packets, over 7 times more frequently of their nearest competitors. Berkeley came in second with 6, Duke with 5, followed by literally every Ivy League school with either 0 or 1 mentions of the word.

Freshman Delighted To Discover Last Page Of Six Page Reading is a Bibliography

A six page, 10 point font, single spaced behemoth of a reading laid before her. She’d been here before.

'I Chose My Frat Because It's the Least Fratty One,' Insists Frat Boy

"Other frats are definitely bad. But this frat? It's just different," Cavanaugh said, adjusting the collar on his pastel Hawaiian shirt.

Senior Who Cut 50 Students From Club Furious Over 'Impersonal' OCR Process

"I hate how they pretend to get to know you and then reject you. It just feels fake and impersonal," complained Chan, whose club cut 50 freshmen after reading through responses to insightful, personalized questions such as, "Why do you want to join DIVEST?"

Freshman Boy Who's Been 'Lifting All Week' Frustrated Pottruck Employees Still Don't Recognize Him

Derrick Thompson (C ’22) has been pumping iron all week, and for what reward? “The Pottruck employees still don’t recognize me,” Thompson lamented to UTB. “I’ve gone almost every other day for a week, and they treat me like I’m just one gym goer out of thousands. It’s offensive, honestly. Maybe they just don’t recognize me because of how swole I’ve gotten. That’s probably it.”

Kid Who Refuses to Put Phone on Silent During Lecture Awarded Medal of Honor for Bravery

Last week, the White House awarded College senior Victor Wu the Medal of Honor for his bravery in very large lecture halls. Even in his 500-person PSYC 001 lecture, Wu keeps his phone ringer on and refuses to silence it, even when someone calls him three times straight. “He has the biggest balls out of anyone I’ve ever seen,” one of his professors said. “And trust me, as an academic, I’ve seen some very large balls before.”

New Men’s Studies Major Differs From History Major By One Class

Newsflash, my dudes! Men’s rights are finally being brought to the table at Penn. After years of the powerful and exclusive Woman’s Club dominating the scene, men are rising up from the ashes to put the (M)enn back in Penn. You heard us ladies: your estrogen party is officially OVER. Say goodbye to public spaces that are dominated by women’s paraphernalia and hello to graffiti dicks on every flat surface around campus. Because at long last, the Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major at Penn has been joined by its partner, Penn Men’s Studies (PMS).

Scandal: Guy Who Made Your House a Chore Wheel Just Put His Plate in the Sink and Walked Away

Wow. Good luck explaining this one, Kyle. I don’t think anybody in your house is going to trust you again for a long, long time. Kyle Goldberg (E ’18) lives in a house with six of his friends. When they moved in, Kyle insisted they set up a chore wheel and divvy up responsibilities around the house.

Perfect Timing! In The Midst Of The Kavanaugh Hearing, Penn’s Task Force Makes Women Feel Safe Again

“Wow, thank goodness for that task force,” is probably something most Penn students are used to saying all the time. From recommending event observers to insinuating that reducing alcohol consumption will stop sexual assault, Penn’s task force has really gotten the job done. And now, they've done it again.

Shocked Wharton Senior Fulfilling Humanities Requirement Hears First Ever Criticism of Capitalism

Josh Greenberg (W ’18) concentrates in Finance and Statistics and has taken a pretty typical course load so far: Advanced Corporate Finance for his major, Intro to Marketing (received a B- despite claiming it was “common sense” the entire semester), and a Gender Studies class just to pick up chicks.