Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.

After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.

Even though Kristen Polman (N ’22) came out as gay at the ripe age of 15, her mother, Stacy Polman, sometimes just can’t help herself—especially during this past Parents Weekend.

When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.

Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha. 

Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.

Sofia Walsh (C ‘22) is normally okay with an evening filled with cheap handcuffs, free booze, and questionable lifestyle choices.

Boo, bitches. The crisp autumn air means Starbucks menus have flipped and sorority trips to Linvilla Orchards are in full swing. Though with this pleasant change of weather comes another difficult change as classes become more intense for Wharton sophomore Jessica Daniels.

Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to.

Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.

Elon Musk, seeing this headline through the bottom of another Teslaquila shot, decided he could do better. Musk announced via twitter, “The single largest gift in Wharton history was my presence. Will donate 50mil and an unused submarine.”

In the coming months, Parker has made it the club’s goal to bring back Polio, a virus that has been eradicated in the U.S. through vaccination. With his graduation date on the horizon, Parker says it is now or never.

Gone are the days of neckties on your doorknob and drunk texts at 2:00 a.m. kindly asking your roommate to fuck off to their friend’s couch. Students are now able to conveniently schedule their hookups directly through LibCal.

In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group.

This past Friday, freshman Michael Lucas was told to take a lap by brothers in front of the frat, who climaxed immediately after uttering the words.

Now that it’s October, Halloween is probably the only thing anyone is thinking about. Besides the pressure to find a costume that is both funny and slutty, there’s the importance of having a good group costume.

A recent survey conducted by the Penn English Department found that over half of their undergraduate majors could not spell “Schuylkill,” a finding which calls into question the quality of education English majors receive at the school.

Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can.

Last Monday was a big day for Wharton junior Justin Morowitz, who interviewed for yet another consulting company despite having been rejected from over 60 firms.

In the past two years, Vishnevsky has received satisfactory ratings of 3.00 and 2.95 out of 4.00 on Penn Course Review, thus becoming the 56th highest rated TA at Penn.